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2015

August 21, 2015 - Tim Binder Visits

We spent a good portion of the evening discussing some old Metallic Onslaught playlists that Joe had come across. These dated back to roughly 1999 or so, and featured music from local favorite Hate Machine, not to mention Filter, Sevendust, the Go-Go's... Yes, you read that right. Apparently Joe was fond at one point of playing something not even remotely heavy, and then killing that track with something brutal. In this case, The Go-Go's were followed by a track from Mortician. Kinda fitting! And it sounds like something we should bring back from time to time, just for shits and giggles. Azkath also had one of his Last Exit For The Metallic Onslaught "Best Of" DVD's playing in the background, so there was a bit of commentary regarding some of the bygone days of both shows.

Rick had brought up our journey to The Lost Horizon in Syracuse to see High On Fire, which was an amazing show. We only caught a little of the first band, Venomous Maximus, but we liked what we heard. Lucifer were incredible, a very pleasant surprise, as I wasn't familiar with their material at all. Highly impressed with that band! Pallbearer were a bit of a letdown, only because their forty-minute set really didn't offer a lot of variety in tempo. Slow, trudging, doomy as hell (this is a good thing!), but really not overly distinguishable from track to track. What can I say about High On Fire? This was my second time seeing them, and they are the real fucking deal. One of the loudest, genuinely heavy bands out there. They are absolutely crushing live, and I recommend the fuck out of them. 'Nuff said!

Our old friend Tim Binder had come out to join us this evening, actually the first time he'd paid a visit to the Onslaught since our final night at the old studio, all the way back in July of 2014. This was actually the night when Jeffie had offered Tim some "goodies" that had been acquired at Grassroots Fest in Trumansburg. Tim started flipping out, thinking Jeffie was a monster, and had attempted to kill Jeffie. I actually took responsibility for that kill before it was all said and done. Anyhow, we were pleased as hell that Tim had come out to join us that night...right up to the point where he mentioned the Savatage/Tran Siberian Orchestra performances at Wacken. Don't get me wrong, Tim loves Savatage, but seems to hate TSO, even going so far to say that they shouldn't have played at Wacken at all. Now, we're all pretty open-minded, and we all pretty much realize that not all of our musical tastes are compatible. But...in this regard, Joe and I took strong offense. As a matter of fact, Tim ended up getting temporarily banned from the show by Joe. Ultimately, we let him back in, though. I mean, we kinda had to. He'd parked in a particularly soggy part of Azkath's driveway, and his car had sunk so far down that it was irretrievable. I'm sure things worked out well, in the long run, though, as I called Spanky over to give Tim a ride back to Canandaigua. At least, I assume Tim made it back okay...

Azkath brought up a little game they'd played on the previous edition of The Last Exit For The Lost, encouraging us all to share our earliest memories. Now, that's really not easy for me to do, because I remember quite a ways back, but it's hard for me to place events in the proper continuity. With that being said, Josh told us how he'd swallowed a penny at the age of four, and his dad going nuclear. On the plus side, it seems that everything came out alright in the end, pun totally intended. In fact, Joe even went so far as to ask Josh if he'd kept the Poop Penny... I was actually able to recall three early memories, the first being the time I broke my left arm. I was roughly three or four, and fell while stepping out of a wading pool at my grandparents old home in Fairville, NY. I'd been carrying a plastic fish that had filled up partially with water, lost my balance while carrying it as I exited the pool, and came down on the arm, resulting in a compound fracture...and a really frightening experience for a youngster of that age group! Seriously, I distincly remember screaming in horror while being x-rayed! There were a couple others I recalled, but I won't go into further detail here. Rick recalled a time when he'd bounced a padlock off the head of a classmate who'd tried to pick a fight with him...and then shared a particularly funny memory that involved him taking bites out of a pig's head (it was cooked!), and spitting the pieces out at people in the crowd. And, hey, if that's not metal, I don't know what the fuck is! Joe had the most difficulty really coming up with anything. We ended up using his first time hearing KISS or first time seeing Star Wars as reference points. He finally did recall a fairly early memory of getting pulled out by a riptide while visiting Florida. Azkath also recalled getting pulled under by a wave while visiting Long Island sound. Actually, it's kinda interesting how some of our earliest memories are of scary encounters in the water! Just serves to remind us that nature is VERY deserving of our respect!

-Metal Wulf

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August 14, 2015 - Joe Quits.

We had to bust Josh's balls just a little bit, as his computer seemed to be stuck on 80's music that night...and not particularly good 80's music, either. In fact, you could hear A-Ha's "Take On Me" in the background during one of our final talk breaks of the evening. Still, it could be worse...it could have been Bon Jovi. Which brings me up to what was probably the main topic of the evening. This actually requires a bit of background to explain, so here goes. Josh LOVES Iron Maiden. We know this beyond a shadow of a doubt. To one degree or other, we all like Iron Maiden...except for Joe, who no longer cares for anything past the Paul Di'Anno years. Joe and I also love KISS, which isn't so surprising, considering the time frame that we grew up in. We've had some fairly intense differences of opinion regarding where we stand when it comes to both bands, mainly because Josh has, for the most part, claimed to love everything that Maiden has ever done. Joe has actually accused Josh on more than one occasion of being a total shill for Iron Maiden. He just doesn't seem to be willing to admit that they have, indeed, released some stinkers in their time. And, in all fairness, most bands have done so. Something that Joe and I are more than willing to confess to when it comes to KISS. Cases in point being the entire Unmasked album (piece of shit, there is absolutely no redeeming or forgiving that album, especially the track "Shandi"...), anything in the 80's that came after Lick It Up (although Animalize had a few decent tracks), and Psycho Circus (aside from the title track, I thought it was the worst comeback album in history). Joe and I are willing to admit that those albums actually suck, to one degree or other. So, imagine our surprise when the discussion actually made it to the airwaves, and Josh actually admitted that he hates ONE Iron Maiden album! No Prayer For The Dying, to be precise! And the craziest thing about the whole discussion was Joe's reaction...he quit the show and made me the host! Yep, Joe was so shocked by Josh's statement that he seemed to feel that he couldn't continue as host, handed me the mic, and told me I was in charge! Kinda caught me off guard, to be honest!

Of course, this almost traumatized Josh and Rick, as their biggest fears were suddenly realized. That being that I would make the show one big Jackyl-fest. Now, I like Jackyl, I really do, but I also know that they're not the greatest fit for our show. So, rest assured, should I really ever take over the hosting duties, there will be no Jackyl...no Bon Jovi...no fucking Winger, as I hate them more than any other band on the planet. No disrespect to Kip Winger, in all honesty, I just thoroughly detested their music. But, it's really not that big a deal, as Josh actually retracted his statement in order to get Joe back in the hosting seat, so to speak.

Azkath joined us about mid-show, asking how I was feeling after the previous week when he beaned me in the head with a large ceramic flower pot. I'm actually doing pretty well, thanks to the ol' clone-healing thing I've got going on, but I still get a little confused. But, that could just be me, naturally. Not gonna deny it! Azkath also wanted to know how things were going with Spanky, and wanted to know when I was going to let him move in. I reminded him that he has, in the past, seen my apartment. There is NO ROOM for a mutant unicorn/centaur at all, and I sure wouldn't be able to corral him in the back yard. Besides, train tracks run behind my building, and I think that would terrify him.
Still...I could make a little money offering rides to the neighborhood children...hmmmm...

-Metal Wulf

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August 7, 2015 - Randy and the Pot

The PotWell, imagine our surprise this week when Josh actually took initiative during the first talk break, completely taking us off goard when he started introducing himself before Joe even began speaking! Honestly...this isn't like Josh at all. We really did NOT know what to make of it! We spent some time in the early potion of the show talking about the Gutted Alive CD release that we emceed at the Montage Music Hall in Rochester. It was a pretty spectacular night, with an exceptional turnout for a local band, which is always a great thing to see! Josh was particularly taken with Tyranitar, which was really no big surprise, as he's a big fan of the pagan/viking metal. Gotta say, one of the highlights of Gutted Alive's set was their performance of "Necrophiliac Chainsaw Rapist", featuring clowns...with chainsaws! And lots of smoke, courtesy of the diesel fuel powering said chainsaws. As a matter of fact, I had to step away from the stage for a bit, because that smoke started making me feel a bit nauseous... All in good fun, though! Joe seems to think that I'd taken that moment to take a run to Canandaigua to see Bran Adams, who was performing there while we were in Rochester. I had to continually assure everybody throughout the evening that I actually can't stand Bryan Adams. Although, I will admit to liking his music over Bon Jovi any day. Still...not a big fan. I mean, really, who cares what he was doing back in the summer of '69? I was three freakin' years old, for fucks sake... We'd also discussed a historical performance that took place at Wacken Open Air the previous week. One of those things that remind me that I live in the wrong part of the fucking world when it comes to my musical tastes. Nothing like this could ever happen in the states, let's face it. So, here's the deal. Tran Siberian Orchestra performed for what I'm pretty sure was their first time at Wacken. They did a 45-minute set, followed by a much-anticipated 45-minute set from Savatage, who hadn't played Wacken in over ten years. What followed was apparently nothing short of spectacular, as BOTH bands, who were performing side by side on two adjacent stages, performed ANOTHER set of music featuring material from both bands. Here's to hoping that all of it gets released in a CD/DVD format for the rest of the metal world to enjoy!

And, offsetting that awesomeness, we also discussed the sad passing of WWE Legend, "Rowdy" Roddy Piper. We are all, to one degree or another, fans of wrestling on this show, and I know that I, for one, was, and always will be, a huge Piper fan. There will never be another like him!

Azkath arrived with plans of continuing my smoking punishment, as Joe had said the previous week that going through another table wasn't enough, and there had to be more. More turned out to be a heavy ceramic flower pot to the head. Luckily, my head turned out to be harder than the pot, so it was only the pot that shattered into a million pieces. I was, however, knocked completely loopy for the rest of the show. Actually, I was out cold for a bit. I actually awoke to the sensation of water pouring on my head. At least I sure hope it was water, considering who it was that was bringing me back to consciousness. Yeah, we'd gotten a visit from my spawn...who has apparently been dubbed "Spanky The Wonder Horse". Spanky was nice enough to give me a ride around the property for a bit as I somewhat regained my senses. I was actually concussed enough that I wasn't even sure that I was really riding the unicorn/centaur-...thing... Azkath had actually been remarking about how big he's gotten in the weeks since his birth, and suggested that we may have to take measures to keep him from breeding with the farm animals that live across the road. Which, let's face it, may be for the better in the long run. I'd rather not have any muitant grandchildren trotting around the area...

- Metal Wulf

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July 31, 2015 - Randy Goes Through Another Table

AftermathStarted this show off by affirming that Jeffie was, indeed, still dead. It's good to start things on a positive note!

We'd mentioned that as this show was being broadcast, we were actually in attendance at the Gutted Alive CD release show at the Montage Music Hall in Rochester, NY. We'd been invited up to emcee the show, and we had a blast! Like there was any doubt... Speaking of shows, we'll be hosting the End Of Summer Metal Meltdown in Clyde, NY, once agan to be held at Donselaar's! Free show, all ages, and ten bands. The lineup, as it stands, features Nazgul, Skinbound, Divinex, Ire Clad, Age Of Shadows, Never The Voiceless, Spit Nickels, Saints And Winos, Ruination, and Million Miles From Broadway. Hope to see a bunch of our local metal family in attendance!

Josh was wearing an Eagles t-shirt on this evening, although he was still trying to convince us he'd gone to see Deep Purple. I mean, the shirt even had wings on it! Had to have been The Eagles! Josh has actually sworn vengeance on Jeffie for this continuing debacle, as it was Jeffie who had mentioned that Josh had actually gone to see The Eagles. Of course, that's going to be a bit difficult until Azkath clones another Jeffie to unleash upon us. And, to be honest, I have my reservations about punishing a new Jeffie for the actions of a previous one. I mean, will it really be right to hold the new Jeffie accountable for what the old one did? I guess we'll find out!

On a less upbeat note, I was subjected to another beating for falling off of the tobacco wagon again. I guess even being an occasional social smoker is going to have it's consequences, and I was once again dropped through a table...with Azkath taking a running start and leaping from a chair, effectively putting us BOTH through... I'm happy to say that I came through with just some very minor scrapes, and absolutely no desire to light up any time soon!

-Metal Wulf

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July 24, 2015 - The Death of Jeffie... Again.

MODid a little outdoor recording this week, which went much better than the LAST time we tried it, as that particular instance ended with us hightailing it indoors when a massive thunderstorm passed through, threatening to blow us all to Oz... Recording outside has many perks, I must say. So much more room for carnage, as Jeffie discovered as he was continually pummelled by Joe and chased throughout the small grove of trees that is currently growing behind our new digs. The goof kept getting lost in there, too, not to mention got stuck in one of the trees. And they're not even that tall yet! He is such a dink...
Speaking of Jeffie, I actually proposed a theory as to his current weight issues. I mean, to look at him, he doesn't appear to be getting any larger. Honestly, I just think he's getting more dense. Granted, he was already pretty dense to begin with, but this could explain so much! I could be onto something here! Honestly, the guy does have his uses. Seriously, he gives a damned good back rub, good enough that I think we really need to start renting him out as a masseuse...as long as there are no Happy Endings involved, though. That would just be wrong. It was a little odd, though, when Josh started meowing like a cat when Jeffie started rubbing his back. We actually came to the conclusion that going to see The Eagles last week turned him into a pussy. And, yeah, he insists he was at Deep Purple, but we're still kinda skeptical. That whole flip phone thing and all...

Early on in the evening Jeffie had slipped me a pill when I wasn't suspecting it. At first, I thought that he had roofied me, in the interest of passing me back off to the Bigfeets. As it turned out, this was not the case at all. He had actually given me a new experimental drug that he'd been working on. He warned me that it may cause me to lose water weight, and he certainly was not wrong about that. What I DIDN'T know was that it was going to make urination an orgasmic experience for me. Literally...pissing was just as pleasurable as cumming...which made things very, very awkard as the evening continued. Once the pill started taking effect, Jeffie started proposing that Joe should sell the pill at his sex shop (for those who aren't aware, Joe works at our local porn palace...), purely convinced that there could be a potential market for such a thing. And, knowing some of the weirdos that live in our area...he may not be too far off the mark. Anyhow, after the third time urinating in the space of a couple hours, I honestly didn't think I could take anymore. There's only so much a guy can handle, and I'm not getting any younger. I actually mentioned to Jeffie that I was turning into a walking Fappucino Fountain...and amazingly he didn't jump on THAT as a marketable idea...probably for the best, I should add...

Toward the end of the evening he shoved another pill down my throat, and this time I was convinced that he had, indeed, roofied me for the Bigfeets. But, no, he actually explained that THIS was the pill that failed. Failed in the sense that it caused urination to be EXTREMELY painful. As a matter of fact, he described the sensation as somewhat like pissing spikes...from personal experience, I have to say it was more like pissing saw blades... That, of course, was the final straw for me. We'd been beating on him with a plastic lawn chair throughout the evening. It was already broken from when he'd sat in it a couple weeks prior, and there really wasn't much left to it, maybe about half a chair. I proceeded to swing the remnants of that chair at his head, connecting squarely and shattering it...along with Jeffie's skull! I also gouged the hell out of my thumb, which proceeded to bleed like a stuck pig... So, it may have hurt to piss, but we ended the show on a happy note with yet another Jeffie Death!

Don't worry, folks, Azkath will make more. He always does...

- MetalWulf

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July 17, 2015 - Randy Returns...

The show started with Joe, Rick, and Jeffie. Josh had gone to see Deep Purple, although Jeffie would have you think he was actually checking out The Eagles. Knowing Josh is a huge fan of Deep Purple, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt in this case. Joe was actually lamenting the fact that I was among the missing, which prompted Jeffie to activate the tracking chip he'd put inside me. He had also texted the Bigfeets...presumably to make sure that I was still actually alive. As it turned out, the Bigfeets had let me go a day earlier because apparently the smell was bothering them... Anyhow, it didn't take long for Jeffie to find me wandering about, dazed and confused, as well as scared shitless. But, on the other hand, I was wearing a fresh pair of clothes, so I guess I should be thankful for THAT much, at least... I didn't remember much, just being horribly afraid and deeply disturbed. I had good reason, as it turned out, as the Bigfeets had been sending Jeffie photo udates of my progress following the...ummmm...birth... So, yeah...about that...

I've seen some moderately recent pics...it's...bizarre...to say the least...so ugly it's somewhat cute...imagine a centaur unicorn colt...with encephalitis. Honestly, that's the closest description I can come up with. Jeffie actually described it as half-pony, half-Randy and half-Nathan. It actually resembles me the most, but has Bobbett's nose. Honestly, I just try to not think of it... I wish I could say that those are the worst of the photos, but when Jeffie started showing us pics of what the Bigfeets were doing with me following the birth and the healing process, we were all pretty mortified. Seems they're not only technologically advanced enough to use cell phones, but they've got some pretty sophisticated video recording equipment...which they were using to make some really twisted porn, with me as the main subject..Truth is, the photos that Jeffie was showing us were so disturbing that Joe went ahead and deleted almost every pic on the phone, keeping one photo of my...ummm...offspring... It also seemed that the Bigfeets had equipped me with a tracking chip of their own, presumably in the interests of finding me at a later time to do further unspeakable things to me. It was firmly attached to my ear, but being the fast healer that I am, I told Jeffie to just go ahead and cut the whole ear off. Which he did, but then the idiot turned around and fed me the ear, meaning that the Bigfeets could still track me. I promptly remedied the situation by downing an enormous amount of Ex-Lax.

It didn't take long for Joe to lament the fact that he had actually missed me, and before you knew it he was ready to send me back to the Bigfeets. He did claim to miss Josh, and he even went so far as to say that he missed my brother, Bill, (or BILL!!!), who he'd hung out with the previous weekend when Judas Priestess came to Seneca Falls to perform at our annual Women's Right 2 Rock festival. Truth is, Joe and the crew don't get to see Bill very often, as he's working nights these days. Makes it difficult for him to come out and chill with us when we record the show. Don't write him off, completely, though, we may yet get a visit from him some fine evening! As for Judas Priestess, Joe insists that I wasn't there because I'd been abducted by Bigfeets, but he knows damned well I was able to make it out to Seneca Falls, because I'm the guy who was holding the camera while we interviewed them after their show! Don't believe me? Head on over to the Randy MetalWulf channel on YouTube and see for yourself (Or Just Scroll Down)! One more thing I should mention is that it seemed like Jeffie had been gaining a great deal of weight. In recent weeks he's broken at least two chairs, very likely three. Joe thinks this is pretty hilarious, to be honest, but I get a little worried about some of the ramifications. Guess we just have to wait and see...oh joy...

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July 10, 2015 - Taken by Bigfeets....

Taken This week's show ended with me (MetalWulf) starting to give birth to the monstrosity that had been growing inside of me since "Mandy" had her way with Nathan Bobbett during the No Pants Day broadcast on The Last Exit for the Lost. Things went way downhill when I suddenly had a large horn poking out of my abdominal region. Naturally, I panicked. Jeffie, on the other hand, seemed to think that everything would be fine. He even went so far as to contact the Bigfeets via text and escorted me out to the back lawn. Yes, you read that right...he TEXTED them... Bear in mind that up to this point I had thought the whole Bigfeets thing to be a load of bullshit, so imagine my surprise when I turned around to confront them in all their hairy, foul-smelling glory. I'm pretty sure my screams of terror could be heard for miles, disrupting the sleep of both humans and farm animals alike.

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July 3, 2015 - Birthday Aftermath...

Not a lot in the form of insanity on this particular evening, probably due to the fact that Jeffie was afraid of Joe. Pretty understandable considering the horrific beating he'd suffered a week earlier. In fact, Azkath informed us that Jeffie had effectively trapped himself inside the remains of the refrigerator, which is where he'd decided to hide from Joe. Of course, Jeffie will eventually return. We can't get that lucky...and honestly...nobody had the foresight to bury the refrigerator with him inside it...

At some point early in the show the name Lance popped up. I vaguely remember a Lance...used to come out to visit us from time to time, been quite awhile...I wonder if that's who they were talkin' about? Of course, we're not located where we used to be, so perhaps he's just having a hard time finding us. Hmmmm... Anyhow, it seems that Josh is currently living not far from this Lance person, and it was suggested that perhaps Josh could hang out and enjoy some Bon Jovi listening sessions with Lance. Hope Josh enjoys himself with that!

I'm imagining Azkath was possibly just a little put out with me before the evening was over. After months of recording the show at his residence, I was in a position where I had no choice but to...ummmmm...desecrate his toilet. I'd been doing really well, too, hadn't had the urge to take a crap on recording nights at all...until this night... I'll spare you the full details...let's just say it was brutal and unpleasant. While I was tending to business, it was suggested that somebody should sniff the cushion of the chair where I sit, although I usually do my best to restrain any gaseous discharges until I'm outside the recording area. Of course, they'd have had the perfect victim for that particular indignity if Jeffie hadn't gotten himself trapped inside a refrigerator, but what are ya gonna do?

We'd mentioned that Judas Priestess were returning to perform for their third time at Women's Right 2 Rock, an annual event held in my hometown of Seneca Falls, NY. This is a 3-day event, and features a wide variety of rockin' ladies representing multiple genres and artistic styles, both locally and nationally. Always a good time!

Our closing discussion had to do with some photos that Joe had posted to my Facebook page, supposedly proving that Bigfeets existed. I called shenanigans, of course...and in retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have been so skeptical, because, as of this writing, I know that they really exist...unfortunately...

- Metalwulf

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June 26, 2015 - Joe's Birthday Present

The FridgeNathan Bobbett joined us once again this evening, and Josh declared him a hair buddy. As a matter of fact, Josh even went so far as to say he was adopting Nathan. Nice to see Josh making new friends!

Jeffie had popped in another video mix to entertain us this week, this one from a site called Whore Church. Disturbing doesn't even begin to describe some of the content, which consisted of clips from an assortment of horror and porn films, plus some other twisted things. There were moments where I was asked to describe what we were watching on the screen, and in the interest of keeping things somewhat clean for the show, I could not even begin to describe them.
Yep, it was THAT bad...

As you may recall, the previous week ended with Jeffie and I giving Joe a birthday lap dance, which resulted in a substantial amount of carnage as the show was in its' closing moments. Well, that wasn't the end of the carnage, far from it in fact. More on that in a bit, though.
Jeffie has a special song that he plays every year in celebration of Joe's birthday, and every year he claims that he's improved on it and made it more and more awesome. This has been going on for a number of years, and to be honest, the best part of the song is the second half, where we hear Jeffie being whipped into submission.
Honestly, I just cannot hear enough of that.
This year, in addition to the latest version of Joe's birthday song, Jeffie brought a special present for Joe. A LARGE present...too large to fit inside the new digs, in fact.
The gift turned out to be an old, rusted refrigerator which Joe promptly put to good use when the beatings began. In truth, Jeffie was treated to what was likely one of the worst pummelings he'd endured since we had Mean Mike and "Bad Boy" Barry Hardy on the show a few years back. Unfortunately, Nathan got caught in the middle of the chaos. Considering Nathan may weigh a total forty pounds soaking wet, we were all pretty amazed that he wasn't snapped in half like a twig before it was all over.
Sorry, Nathan, but those are the risks you're bound to take if ya wanna hang with this crowd!

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June 19, 2015 - Joe's Birthday Massacre

We're all pretty impressed with the newest release from High On Fire, entitled "Luminiferous". As a matter of fact, it was asked if I'd ever been high on fire, myself.
My response..."I was young once..." 'Nuff said!
Of course, this whole discussion completely degenerated quickly. It was actually suggested that perhaps I should be the subject of my own Burning Man festival...with me literally being set on fire. It was also speculated on whether or not I actually tasted like bacon. This led to me discussing "long pork", which nobody else had ever heard of...with good reason, as it turned out I was using the wrong term. What I'd meant to say was "long pig", a term used to reference the meat of humans among certain cannibalistic societies.
It was also suggested that perhaps, if I were shorter and weighed more, I could perhaps be Boss Hogg for Halloween this year. Quiite frankly, aside from drooling over Catherine Bach's legs, I hated the Dukes Of Hazzard...and besides, I have something else in mind for Halloween this year.
I guess you could say everything came full circle when Jeffie actually started licking the top of my head to see if I did, indeed, taste like bacon. Unfortunately for him, the day had been a bit on the humid side, so if I tasted like anything, it was sweaty human...

Things got really strange as the evening went on. Jeffie had put in a mix DVD for us to watch, and we were subjected to a random selection of crazy Japanese television content. We're talking a bit of sketch comedy, game shows, commercials...just loads and loads of odd shit that I would honestly rather have erased permanently from my brain. Of course, I'm sure they'd say the same about some of the stuff we watch, so who am I to judge?
It's a whacky world, what can I say?
Now, it had been well established that we were watching a DVD, but Joe claimed that there was absolutely nothing on the television at all, and I was just describing the random things that pop up naturally in my head. Even Josh agreed with Joe, until he pointed out some things that were taking place on the screen. This seemed to please Jeffie, who claimed that it was "spreading"...
Joe started getting really frustrated with me throughout all of this. Frustrated enough that he started dumping garbage bags full of foam rubber on top of my head. What that was supposed to accomplish, I have no earthly idea. It certainly wasn't a game changer. From there he took a ratchet and tried opening my head up to remove the part of my brain that was processing all of the insanity we were watching. Jeffie had actually mentioned something about my "belly brain", whatever the hell that was all about.
As a matter of fact, things went to completely different levels of weirdness when not only a "TV Chip" was mentioned, but also a "Tracker Chip". As it turned out, the TV Chip was located in my belly, beneath the...thing...that is growing inside of me.
So, as for the TV Chip, my head ended up getting pulled backward so Joe could reach in through my neck to find it, effectively turning me into a human Pez Dispenser until I healed.
This didn't help, to be honest, because I could still see everything that was on that television, which by now had moved on to a mix of scenes from some extreme horror flicks. If you've ever seen "Cannibal Holocaust" or "The Gates Of Hell", you know what I'm talking about.
As for the Tracker Chip...it seems that this is to help them find me after the Bigfeets abduct me. I'm personally not worried about this, because as I've stated before, there is NO SUCH THING as Bigfeets...
Josh surprised us with an aggressive display of martial arts insanity. Normally Josh doesn't lay a hand on anybody when he's demonstrating his mastery of Air Fu, but he got his hands on some of that foam and started beating the shit out of us. Literally, he was making actual physical contact with his blows! This had never happened before, in all the time he's been on the show! It was really somewhat impressive, so I guess we can now call him a master of Foam Fu.

The evening came to a close shortly after Jeffie reminded us that Joe's birthday was soon approaching. Things degenerated into pure chaos shortly after Jeffie started giving Joe a birthday lap dance, with me joining in when I noticed that Joe seemed to be enjoying himself.
From there, it became Joe's Birthday Massacre Show, with the evening ending in complete carnage.

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