Another Stuck at Home edition of The Metallic Onslaught...

Yet another pandemic edition of The Metallic Onslaught.

The Metallic Onslaught continues in it's Pandemic Shows, all together on Skype. Lots of Music, and we have to deal with that picture you see of Randy, which he claims is not him, but we all know it is... Besides that, plenty of awesome music...

We continue with our Pandemic shows, a slight bit different, but plenty of Metal and humor...

We continue with our Pandemic shows, a slight bit different, but plenty of Metal and humor...

Recap by Randy: So, this week saw some surprises...not all of them good.

    Serra, Keeper Of The Nipple Nuts, was back on hand, and assured us that Nipple Nuts are not just edible, but they also regenerate. I’m still trying not to think too hard on what exactly a fucking Nipple Nut is…

    Tim had returned, and had some dude named Josh with him. Funny, I almost think we had a Josh on the show once upon a time...pretty sure he wandered into the Dog Park, though.

    And, much to our disappointment, Jeffie had returned from his voyage to Washington. Now, bear in mind, he had initially been summoned to Washington, D.C. by President Trump, and had mistakenly ended up in Washington state...on the exact opposite side of the country.
    Apparently Trump had made a request of Jeffie, since he was in the area, to investigate Bigfoot sightings. And, according to Jeffie, it seems that Bigfoot does well and truly exist. I guess it’s no coincidence that most photographic evidence of Bigfoot is blurry...it is apparently his natural state. Like, his very molecular structure is such that you can’t view him clearly.

    Jeffie also assured us that Bigfoot is amazingly well equipped, in his own words referring to ‘foot’s genitalia as “quite a piece of machinery”. He also claims that it also drags on the ground, so there’s usually a third trail that most people don’t talk about after a sighting occurs.Quite frankly, these claims just gives rise to more questions that I really don’t feel the need to know the answer to. Like, knowing some things might just drive me into a state of Lovecraftian madness. I’d like to avoid that if at all possible!

    I guess food came in the form of nuts, berries, and ‘shrooms, which just provided even more horrific mental imagery. I must say, though, we were somewhat interested to discover that Bigfoot isn’t really as out of touch with society as we may have guessed. According to Jeffie, Bigfoot is an internet user, and even speculated that the aforementioned genitalia may also work as a WiFi hot spot.
    Impressive piece of machinery, indeed!

The first show of 2019... A Little Bit Of Background…

Thanks to my tendency to forget things, I didn’t arrive to the show prepared to take part in the proposed Randy Death Match. In turn, the room was overflowing with gratitude.

In the wake of a massive snowstorm that had recently passed through, Jeffie told us how he had attempted to make a snowman and bring it to life, ala Frosty. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work. He had even tried using a wide variety of hats, but to absolutely no avail. In frustration, he set the hats on fire, thereby melting the snowman.

The unfortunate side, more than anything, was that he’d done this on the front lawn of a school, and had stolen all the hats from school children. And then paused to wonder why the police and teachers got so angry...

Josh and Tim arrived, and Jeffie had suggested an activity that I can only think of as the Jumping Frenchmen Challenge. Apparently French lumberjacks are very ticklish, and if you startle them with a tickle, they’ll do whatever you tell them...? Don’t look at me, I’m just repeating the nonsense that Jeffie was spewing out.

In the “I Should Have Just Kept My Mouth Shut” department, I’d lamented that nobody had remembered my birthday the previous week. This resulted in a series of lap dances from Jeffie, Tim, and Eric, which further resulted in about a week’s worth of mental trauma.

Better to just age gracefully AND quietly...

Jeffie spent a pretty good chunk of time throughout the show running down some of the places he’d visited during his road trip. The running theme seemed to be the best and worst places to fun around naked.

Case in point, it seems he got kicked out of Carhenge for exactly those reasons. As it turns out, he didn’t get kicked out of Yellowstone Park, but did end up doing significant damage to his unmentionables when he tried to run through a geyser like it was a lawn sprinkler. I got the strong impression that The Rockies weren’t a good place to run around naked, and he firmly claimed that there is absolutely no good time at all for that kind of behavior in Death Valley. I guess it’s too hot during the day and too cold at night.

I can’t believe we actually offered this as a solution, but perhaps we just need to establish a nice commune for Jeffie...JUST for Jeffie...where he can run around naked to his heart’s content. A bit of climate control and a reasonably nice place to sleep, toss in a bit of food for him from time to time...he’d be fine.
In more unclothed news, it was established that at some point in the future we were going to have a Randy Death Match. Specifically meaning that I would strip down to my man-kini while Jeffie and Eric (keeper of the NippleNuts) attempted to push each other into me.
The loser being whoever I successfully latched onto...

On this edition of The Metallic Onslaught we continue through some clips from the Best of CD's, as well as commenting on some of the DVD material. Jeffie also continues to read from his list of Doctor Stories...