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2015

April 3, 2015 - Jeffie is Sick

Randy and a Monkey

So, this week saw our long-suffering host, Joe Wyatt, return to form as he had finally conquered his bout of the plague. Yep, Joe was healthy as a horse this week, back and ready to kick ass! Rick had also overcome his own bout, and I'm happy to say that, as of this writing, Josh and I have been able to avoid getting sick.
Jeffie, on the other hand, hadn't fared quite so well. As a matter of fact, it was a fresh Jeffie clone that joined us this week, as his prior incarnation had succumbed to the plague. Yes, you read that right, we had a Jeffie death and didn't even know it!
The newest Jeffie was still sick, and spent a good portion of the evening downing bottles of cough syrup, when he wasn't sneezing all over the place and dowsing us with snot. At one point he'd sneezed so hard that he claimed that some giblets fell out. Personally, I didn't see this happen, and I'm pretty damned glad for that.
Anyhow, as you can well imagine, Jeffie on cough syrup didn't pan out so well, as he spent the majority of the night hallucinating. And not only was he hallucinating, he was playing with hammers as well, even going so far as engaging Joe in a hammer fight.
Honestly, while all that was going on, I was thinking, "Hell, better them than me!"
But, Jeffie still felt the need to abuse me toward the end of the evening when he decided it might be a fun idea to mummify my head...with a VERY long roll of measuring tape. Silly jackass almost sliced my nose off with it, too. Not one of the more comfortable experiences I've encountered, quite frankly.
And to make matters worse, they're still talking about handing me over to the clan of Bigfeets, which is just weird, anyway. I mean, there are definitely packs of coyotes roaming about our new digs, but I refuse to believe for one moment that I'm going to end up getting passed around to a bunch of sasquatches for "sexy time", as Jeffie refers to it.
Honestly, I'll worry more about bumping into those coyotes...
 
- Randy MetalWulf
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March 27, 2015 - AJ Pero Tribute

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Our opening set of music consisted mostly of Twisted Sister tracks, in honor of their late drummer, A.J. Pero, who I'm sad to say passed just one short week ago. Always had a great deal of love and respect for Twisted Sister, and his passing is a sad one for many of us
 
Our long-suffering host, Joe Wyatt, was suffering a bit more this week, as he'd come down with a case of the plague. Even shared the story about how he got sick. Seems he had a run-in with a couple of moldy pieces of marble loaf cake. Obviously, he didn't realize they were moldy at first, but it was too late. Seems he's allergic to mold, and this apparently affected his immune system in a negative manner, opening him up to all kinds of nasal ickiness.
Naturally, it was a bit of a chore for him to speak as a result, but he held up pretty well. The guy's a trooper, I'll give him that!
 
Jeffie shared an interesting story about an airplane that had to turn around after a passenger used the, ummmm...facilities...and stank the entire plane up. Y'know it's bad when they literally have to reroute a flight...
Jeffie seems to think that I was the passenger, and while, yes, I did on ONE occasion, stink up WEOS badly (it permeated the entire studio...), I can assure you all that I have NEVER in my life flown...anywhere... 
Sorry, Jeffie, I'm not the guilty party!
 
After last weeks indignities (Jeffie took a cheese grater to my head...well, BOTH my heads, actually...), I made it very clear that I'd like to beat him to the point where Azkath won't be able to send us another clone of him for at least a year.
Doesn't mean I'll get the chance, of course, but man, I sure would LOVE to do that... 
To make matters worse, Joe went so far as to suggest that I'd like to have a nail gun used on me next, and there was also something mentioned about sacrificing me to Satan...again...
In fact, it was suggested that perhaps they'd nail me to my chair, more or less effectively crucifying me, before sacrificing me to Satan... 
Really, guys? Once was enough! Bad enough you took my corpse the last time around and turned it into demon-possessed jerky...
And, on top of that, they got talking about summoning Sasquatches...in the interest of me having "Sexy Time With Bigfoot".
Honestly, why do I stick around this scene? It isn't bad enough that they want to sacrifice me or staple me to burning tables, oh hell no, now they want me to get molested by  cryptozoological monstrosities! 
Besides...everybody knows there's no such thing as Bigfoot...that's just silly...
 
- Randy MetalWulf
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March 20, 2015 - Cheese Grater for Randy

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Well, the highlights for this week were two interviews that Joe and I conducted last week when Carmine and Vinny Appice's DrumWars show rolled into Waterloo, NY. Not only did we get to sit down with Carmine and Vinny, we also got to talk for a bit with guitarist Ethan Brosh, a remarkable talent in his own right.
You can check both interviews out on my YouTube page (Randy MetalWulf), as well as some fun performance clips from that show.
 
Jeffie was once again back, doing what he does best...annoying the hell out of us...
Okay, he went above and beyond annoying on this night, to be perfectly honest. There had been a brief discussion in between talk breaks about ECW, 'cuz we're a bunch of wrestling geeks, and I'd said something about how brutal it was to see Tommy Dreamer get a cheese grater rubbed across his forehead by the Dudley Boyz. Joe brought this up in a roundabout manner by saying that I WANTED to have the same thing done to me, which is about as far from the truth as he's ever gotten.
Of course, Jeffie will believe anything that he hears, so it wasn't too much later that he came back into the studio with a cheese grater...a RUSTY cheese grater...and he proeeded to shred the bejesus out of my forehead. He'd also mentioned that he thought it may have been the same cheese grater that the Almighty Monkey had once used to circumcise himself, which really didn't make me feel better about the whole procedure. As a matter of fact, Jeffie went ahead and attempted to  circumcise ME with it...which was an exercise in futility, because that little matter had been tended to LONG ago. By the time he was done, BOTH of my heads looked like raw hamburger, and I was bleeding profusely.
To make matters worse, the damned cheese grater got stuck in my forehead at one point, and that jackass swung a cookie sheet at me to knock the freakin' thing loose. THAT little stunt peeled my scalp back like a banana, causing more bleeding, and more pain.
But wait, that wasn't all!
Jeffie then decided he needed to cleanse the wound with rubbing alcohol, and then patch my head up with duct tape.
Yeah...big help, there, jackass...
Good thing I've been cloned and can heal pretty fast now. Can you imagine the kind of scars that would actually leave?
Ewwwww...
 
I don't remember much about the rest of that final segment, aside from the fact that we were getting ready to play a track from an incredible death metal band called Alkaloid, which I'd jokingly referred to as Arkanoid, being the gaming geek that I am. Somehow Arkanoid got compared to Dig Dug, and that's where things get a bit hazy in my memory, because every time I hear the name Dig Dug, I want to start thumping bibles and preaching hellfire and brimstone sermons...
Honestly, I don't remember a damned thing above and beyond that... 
 - Randy MetalWulf
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March 13, 2015 - Friday the 13th...

Randy and Joe
 
It was Friday the 13th, so the show once again opened with Joe's favorite Alice Cooper track.
Really...don't let the guy fool ya, he's been in denial about it for years. He LOVES that freakin' song...
 
Rick and I took a moment to talk about the recent show at the Montage in Rochester featuring former Marilyn Manson and current Rob Zombie guitarist John 5. He's been out recently on his first ever solo tour, and completely blew us away. There is so much more to this guy's talent than you can hear on either Manson's or Zombie's albums. I highly recommend checking out his solo material, he is truly a gifted musician.
 
Jeffie was on hand once again, being as annoying as ever. He seemed to have it in his head that the character of Baymax in the animated film "Big Hero 6" was somehow modeled after me. Personally, I don't see the resemblance...
Things got pretty tasteless after Joe referred to Jeffie as a porch dick. Don't ask me what the hell that's actually supposed to mean, but Jeffie seemed to think it was some kind of detective. So, he took it upon himself to investigate Azkath's porch. Joe had asked him if he'd found any poop, which led to...things that just shouldn't be discussed on the air...ewwwww...
Of course, things didn't improve once we got into a discussion involving a black metal band called Anal Vomit. I'm still a bit miffed at Josh for thinking I was the one talking about eating my own anal vomit when it was clearly Jeffie who made that remark.
Dammit Josh!
 
Rick took a few moments to take part in an interview with Colin Busse of Rochester, NY's Abhor, who recently released a new album, and we've been featuring tracks from it pretty heavily over the past few weeks. Highly recommended stuff!
 
Joe and I took some time to discuss our interview with Carmine and Vinny Appice, who as of Thursday the 12th had brought their Drum Wars show to little ol' Waterloo, NY. I'm happy to say that the interview went very well, and I can't wait for everybody to hear it when it airs on next week's show! As for the show itself, all I can say is it was incredible to get to see two of my idols, both certifiable legendary musicians in their own right, in such an intimate setting. Trust me...it doesn't get much more intimate than Lizards Tailgator Lounge!
 
Things got really weird as the night wore on. I mean, that's pretty much the norm on the Metallic Onslaught. Weird is pretty much our thing, above and beyond the music. But...
Let's put it this way. Jeffie freaked us out a bit. He started tampering with aspects of the show that nobody should have influence over. 
Case in point, he made us talk backward! EVERY ONE OF US!!!! I don't know how he did it, but he did, and it was CREEEEPY! He even claimed he'd make the whole show run backward if we weren't nice to him!
And then he started making Joe's voice speed up! Absolutely no natural explanation for any of it, Joe just started sounding like he should be accompanied by David Seville, as well as Alvin, Simon, and Theodore.
Yeah, this is freakin' me out just thinking about it. Who knows what else Jeffie is capable of?
 
- Randy MetalWulf
 
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March 6, 2015 - Josh is Missing...

Randy, Rick, and Josh
 
Well, we had power again, which is a good thing! Power is important, dammit!
However, there was a price to having power, as Josh was absent on this evening. Yep, we traded him out for heat, light, and comfort.
Of course, it was also mentioned that Josh isn't really there most weeks...haven't seen that boy in forever...wonder what he's been up to?
 
Jeffie was back once again, and before the end of the night we had him believing that we were complimenting him by calling him "dink". Which, he is...a total dink...the dinkiest of dinks...
Jeffie mentioned being left alone at the new "studio" last week, during the power outage. Apparently we left the premises too early, leaving Jeffie time to include one last talk break. Having actually heard this, I can categorically say that Jeffie sounded absolutely terrified, although he denies it completely. I guess I can't blame him for being scared, I mean, he was there all alone, in the dark, and it was really cold that night...
Dammit, now I'm feeling sorry for the dink...
 
Violence ensued when Joe suggested they set a new record for the number of times we could beat Jeffie down in a single night, Joe  ended up comparing Jeffie to Cousin Luke from The Sheepherders. For those unfamiliar, The Sheepherders were the wrestling tag team that later became known as The Bushwhackers...sad, too, becuase i saw some extremely bloody Sheepherders matches before WWE (then still WWF) completely neutered them. This whole discussion led to Jeffie being described as a "whacker", which I'm pretty sure isn't that far off the mark. 
 
At one point, Joe suggested that Jeffie should put his "thinger" (I'm sure he meant "finger") into my belly button. This led to a reminder that, being a clone twice over, I have no belly button.  I DO still have a very deep divot, having traded one "inny" for another, deeper "inny".
Offers of deep divot pizza continue to be rejected, I should mention.
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February 27, 2015 - It's Cold and Dark...

IMAG0085Have I mentioned that this winter has really sucked? I mean, not only has it brought with it a larger than average snow fall, and absolutely BRUTAL low temperatures, but ...it also brought Jeffie back to the show. As a matter of fact, it was so cold that Jeffie thought we were on the ice planet, Hoth, and that we could expect the arrival of the AT-AT Walkers any time...and he also figured they may have to gut me like a Taun-Taun and crawl inside my corpse to stay warm...
We were also dealing with a power outage on this evening, but I honestly don't know whether to blame the weather...or Jeffie's return. Either way, it was a pain in the ass, and if it weren't for a well-charged laptop and a good USB mic, this show may have been drastically different.
But, we pulled it off, and that's all that matters!
 
So, as some of you may remember, I'd been singing every time I talked, for some bizarre frickin' reason. I don't know why weird things happen to me, to be honest. They never used to, but then I hooked up with this crew...
Hmmmmm...
Anyway, as the night went on I was able to stop singing, which was a relief. What wasn't a relief was that most of the night was a blur. I guess at one point I must have been feeling pretty warm, because I ended up taking off every stitch of clothing I was wearing. Which proved quite a shock, considering the temperature in our little room had dropped substantially due to the power outage. Yes, there was shrinkage...which I attempted to keep under control using Josh's scarf...
And that wasn't the only problem. I was also afraid of the dark, which is just bizarre considering my love of all things scary and horrific. But, yeah, having no power and sitting in that dark room was creepy as hell!
And, believe it or not, it got even colder in there! Honestly, I swear I was on the verge of going from mere shrinkage straight to a full-on gender change! Seriously, my boys went from walnuts to raisins in under five seconds! But, then...things warmed up again! Honestly, at one point I could almost feel a gentle tropical breeze...and I suddenly had a craving for Pina Coladas...
And then things got weird again, when I looked around to see that all the guys looked like aliens, ala They Live. The last thing I remember is completely freaking out when one of them mentioned "anal probes"...I'm guessing the soreness in my posterior is somehow related.
Winter...it's a real pain in the ass...  - The Metal Wulf
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February 20, 2015 - What to do with Randy?

Recap by Randy 'MetalWulf' - An early discussion focused on "Elan", the first single from Nightwish's upcoming new album, "Endless Forms Most Beautiful". It's also the first original material to feature newest vocalist, Floor Jansen. Now, for my money, it's not a terrible song, but I don't particularly love it. In fact, I was just a bit disappointed that they went with something that was obviously a safe choice for the new single. Really hoping the new album features some heavier material, which I know damned well this band is capable of.  In the meantime, I know more than a couple people who are starting to write Nightwish off as "Disney Metal", and I'm not so sure I can fully argue with that viewpoint.
 
Joe's obsession with boogers, spefically mine, continued. He seemed to think he'd seen me picking my boogers and attempting to shoot them into space with a slingshot.At this juncture, I just don't know what to make of these bizarre accusations. I'm starting to believe our long-suffering host has finally cracked... 
 
There was a discussion regarding a highly notable show coming around here soon. Big news, actually, because drum legends Carmine and Vinny Appice are bringing their Drum Wars show to...of all places...Lizard's Tailgator Lounge in Waterloo.
Yes, you read that right. Carmine Appice, legendary drummer who's career has spanned close to 50 years, who's played for some of the most notable names in rock, hard rock, and metal (Vanilla Fudge, Jeff Beck, Rod Stewart, Ozzy Osbourne, King Kobra, Blue Murder...the list goes on and on...) is coming to Waterloo, with his brother, Vinny. Vinny, who is also a drum legend in his own right, who is best known for his time in Dio-era Black Sabbath as well as Dio, and has most recently been recording and touring with his new band, Kill Devil Hill.
In Waterloo, people...it boggles the mind, it really does. And, the best part is, it looks like some of us are going to be in attendance at this show, and there could very well be an interview in the works!
I'll provide updates as the show draws closer!  
 
So, in recent weeks I've been avoiding singing as much as possible. Not because I don't care for it, but because for quite some time, when I did sing, it...ummmm...tickled...in certain areas...places that I probably shouldn't discuss in this forum, to be honest...Okay, guilty confession! For whatever reason, singing created a direct circuit straight to the ol' pleasure centers, so to speak. In fact, I'd stopeed singing because it almost got very awkward in situations where I was surrounded by people. I mean, I work with the public in my day job, fer Chrissakes! Do you know how uncomfortable it is to be even humming along to a tune and suddenly realize you're on the verge of pitching a tent? Good thing I wear an apron at work!
Sadly, things did get out of control on this week's show, as the guys just continued encouraging me to sing, over and over. And, well, let's just say we had a little incident toward the end of one of the talk breaks.
Enough about that... 
Honestly, there were other developments regarding my singing toward the end of the evening. I had moments once again where I'd wake up from napping, as much as I try to keep it together and stay awake. I vaguely remember being terrified for a bit when, for some reason, I couldn't remember lyrics to anything. Doesn't matter how well known the song was, I just flat-out couldn't remember the words!
Of course, in the case of a certain ditty called "Tomato Monkey" that Azkath provided, it's perfectly understandable. After all, that's got some terribly complex lyrical content! I can't even imagine how difficult that must be to perform live... 
This situation really upset me profoundly, because whether I can sing or not, I actually enjoy doing it! Not remembering lyrics was literally sucking the joy out of me...
Then, oddly enough, it wasn't a matter of forgetting the words anymore. It was a matter of singing EVERYTHING! Literally, everything that comes out of my mouth, I sing! Imagine Adam Sandler and his Opera Man character...only much, MUCH worse! Can you imagine the looks on the customers faces at work when I have to address them?
This is NOT an improvement!
 
 
Playlist
36 Crazyfists - Slivers
Nightwish - Elan
Finsterforst - Zeit Fur Hass
Dr Living Dead - Triggerkiller
Acid King - Coming Down From Outer Space
Black Star Riders - Sex, Guns & Gasoline
Lay Siege - Black Cloud
Motor Sister - Devil Wind
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February 13, 2015 - Friday the 13th and Finger Lakes Metal Fest

FLMFRecap by Randy MetalWulf; With this show falling on Friday the 13th, it only stood to reason that we once again kicked it off with Alice Cooper's "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)", one of Joe's favorite rock songs, EVER! Yeah, Joe may rant and rave that he hates the song, but this has been a tradition for at least as long as I've been involved with the show, and very likely much, much longer. 
As a matter of fact, Joe seemed very confused as to why this song ended up first on the playlist for the week, insisting that he didn't put it in there at all. He even went so far as to place the blame on Azkath, who I'm sure would never pull something as underhanded as sabotaging the playlist.
Honestly, Joe just LOVES that song, and that's all there is to it! I'm even willing to bet that he's just chomping at the bit to play it again next month!
 
Anyhow, the main subject at hand this week was the announcement of the lineup for this year's installment of Finger Lakes Metal Fest, an event that we all look forward to. Once again, the show will be held at Donselaar's in Clyde, NY and will feature twenty bands on two stages. It's a FREE show, open to all ages, and will once again be emceed by The Metallic Onslaught!
Event founder David Henninger was on hand to make the official announcement, so, without further ado, here is the much-anticipated lineup for the event this year:
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February 7, 2015 - Yesterday's Saints Interview

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Recap by The Metal Wulf;

So, once again, Azkath and Joe were going head to head over the whereabouts of the still-missing chair. I can understand Azkath's concern, because who the hell knows what kind of mayhem could come about if some poor Gurney resident finds it and accidentally finds out it's true nature?
Bad things, man...bad things...
We also featured a Skype interview with Matt Rice of Washington, D.C.-based Yesterday's Saints. We're all pretty impressed with this band and recommend them highly. Check 'em out!
Joe seemed to think he caught me actually picking boogers and eating them. Don't know where that came from, I certainly have no recollection of any such behavior, but man, he just couldn't let it go. I mean, yes, at one point of the evening, I DID have a bit of an annoying itch on the tip of my nose, and I was scratching it lightly, but there were certainly no picking and/or eating involved. 
Personally, I think Joe just spent way too much time hanging out with Jeffie in Florida. That experience will mess with anybody's perceptions...
We also discussed the appearance of what appeared to be another Josh at the recent Sons Of Sabbath show at Suzy's Tavern in Auburn, NY the previous Saturday night. In fact, this isn't the first time this has occurred. This is actually the THIRD occurrence of us finding another Josh! The last time around there was a referee at a local UWF (Ultimate Wrestling) event who looked just like him. Josh seems a little close-mouthed about this phenomenon, which makes me wonder if he's been tampering with forces beyond his understanding...as in whatever it is that Azkath uses to continue making clones of Jeffie and myself...
As a matter of fact, there's another matter that I should address here. Josh and Jeffie seem to have been bonding an awful lot lately, possibly developing into something of a "bro-mance", as it has come to be called in recent years. It's really confusing for the rest of us, because for the most part Jeffie just makes us want to pound our heads against the walls...or better yet, pound HIS head against the walls...
Of course, I have very little room to talk. Wasn't terribly long ago that I actually considered Jeffie one of my best friends as well, but a couple years ago he followed Joe to Florida (he does that a lot...) and went shark fishing without me! Still pisses me off, because I LOVE to fish, and don't get to do it nearly often enough, and I think shark fishing would be a pretty damned cool experience! But, no, Jeffie went without me, and I've been holding that grudge for a bit.
Funny how that whole debacle got twisted over the last couple years from shark fishing to shark FISTING...and then to SHART fisting...and eventually evolving into "shart fistishing"...
Anyhoo, all I can say is that Josh had better watch his back, because I think it's only going to be a matter of time before Jeffie abandons him, as well!
 

Playlist

Gehennah - Four Knuckle Facelift
Taake - Stank
Cyrax - Cockroach

Primitive Man - Downfall
Dehuman - Crypts of Blood
Frosthelm - Tomb Of Sordid Ruin
Heavydeath - Eat The Sun
Devathorn - Principles Of Chaos

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January 30, 2015 - Joe is Back...

Recap by Randy MetalWulf...
Well, the show began with us expressing more concern over the absence of our long-suffering host, Joe Wyatt. Thankfully, that concern was short-lived, as he FINALLY made an appearance during our second talk break.
So, what exactly happened with that whole debacle with the chair that was not JUST a chair?
Well, it seems that the chair made a beeline for someplace called Gurney. I should note that nobody knew precisely where Gurney was, but a bit of Google research revealed that it's actually in Wisconsin. Of course, nobody knows WHY the chair seemed to be programmed to travel to Gurney, but that's where it went, and it seems that it's also where Joe lost Jeffie.
As for Joe, he managed to make his way to Florida. Sadly, the peace of his impromptu vacation was short lived, as Jeffie arrived a couple days later. And, the crazy part is, Joe actually went on record to state that he and Jeffie ALMOST had fun!
Yeah, that boggles the mind, I know...
Apparently Jeffie proceeded to make an utter nuisance of himself while in Florida, parading around in swimwear that Joe described as being straight out of the movie, Borat. Now, that was painful enough to imagine, but he then told us that Jeffie was wearing it BACKWARD.
Makes ya want to bust out a gallon or two of Eye Bleach, doesn't it?
Other exploits included Jeffie attempting to ride a dolphin, which I have to admit would quite possibly have been amusing to watch, even somewhat cute...until you take a moment to ponder exactly what was meant by "ride". I mean, with Jeffie, you just never know. And, apparently, he also attempted to jump from a pier onto a passing mermaid, who was not a mermaid,which I can't imagine went well for either of them.
So, once the story was out, there seemed to be a bit of developing hostility between Joe and Seriah Azkath. After all, the chair was (and is) still among the missing. Hate to think that one of us may actually have to take a mid-winter trip to Wisconsin just to reclaim it. Hopefully the two of them can resolve this issue in the coming weeks!

I have some very fuzzy memories regarding some other developments that night, having to do with my bouts of gassiness. I vaguely remember moments where I'd passed a bit of gas and being utterly terrified, almost as if a million spiders had been dumped on top of me. And, regular listeners know that I am not overly fond of arachnids, so you can only imagine the terror I must have been experiencing!
But, at another moment, it seemed that I was perfectly capable of farting without fear...which didn't go over so well with the other guys. As it stands now, I'm terrified of farting at all...as if a million spiders are about to descend upon me. You can't even imagine the discomofort of holding it all in for an extended period...

The only other matter of relevance I feel I should bring up has to do with the after-effects of eating the jerky that had been made from my previous body, after it had been possessed by Satan. The previous show had ended with me seeing items rimmed with assorted shades of Hellfire, and horns starting to protrude from my chest. Well, imagine my horror when I finally got home and a twisted little form pulled itself out of my chest cavity...not to mention the horror when that little form started running around my apartment, getting into no end of mischief.
I've since named that little form Damon, and have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that I may have given birth to the Antichrist.
Yep, just when ya thought the show couldn't get any weirder!

Playlist

Generichrist - Taste Of Death
Perdition Temple - Scythes Of Antichrist
Ergot - The Weeping Willow

Savage Machine - Fifth Computerworld
Nepente - I Will Get Your Soul
Gehenna - Lead To The Pyre
Abominator - Indomitable Master
Putrid Offal - Rotted Flesh

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