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2015

January 23, 2015 - Randy eats Randy...

Recap by Randy the Metalwulf...

Gotta say, this night was possibly one of the most bizarre evenings in recent Metallic Onslaught history. Really, I'm a little uncertain as to where to start...
Well, to begin with, there was absolutely no sign of Joe or Jeffie. Not that we really missed Jeffie, mind you, but considering how the previous show ended we couldn't help but wonder just what the hell the two of them were up to...or where in the world they had ended up. I mean, honestly, NOBODY expected that chair to do anything but what chairs are meant for, know what I mean?
Azkath had mentioned that the chair had been designed by Last Exit For The Lost co-host EVD (Evil Villainous Dude), and Josh proceeded to remark that EVD was a genius. Azkath then clarified further that EVD was more like a mad scientist...
Anyhow, that show ended with Joe firing that chair up and taking off for God knows where, with Jeffie barely latching onto it before takeoff. Honestly, I don't even know if we'll see them again! Although, I will say that it was somewhat of a relief to know that, wherever they were, Joe was able to get the week's newest music selections to Azkath in a timely manner.
So, at least we know he was still in one piece to be able to do that!
Azkath shared some audio from The Last Exit For The Lost, taken from a segment from my birthday show. We hadn't done a balloon room in awhile, so I spent a good portion of that evenng blowing up balloons to fill up one of the sound booths in the new WVBR studios. Thankfully, I did get some help from Justjoe, Arydaea, and Olivia, vocalist for Undead Messengers. Much appreciated, actually, 'cuz it's a bit strenuous blowing up dozens upon dozens of balloons. Good thing I'd quit smoking, otherwise I probably would have passed out in a dead faint before the real fun began...
Anyhow, we'd been taking turns going into the balloon-filled booth, with Azkath monitoring us from the main studio. Olivia and her main squeeze, Tim (drummer for Undead Messengers) were ranting about something lurking in the room with them, mentioning something about "Santa". Weirder than you'd expect to be honest, considering Christmas has been pretty much done and over for a month now. I mean, what the hell would Santa be doing hanging out in a balloon-filled booth?
So, when my turn came, I played along, not believing for a moment that there was really anything in there with me.
How wrong I was...
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January 16, 2015 - Joe and the Special Chair

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Recap by The Metal Wulf;

It was waaaaaay too damned cold to sit in the regular studio this week, so we actually found ourselves comfortably seated in Azkath's living room for this broadcast. Funny thing, too, because there was actually no sign of Azkath anywhere for the entire evening. Must have been occupied with other things, I guess.
What we DID end up with was another visitation from Jeffie, who seemed to have an unusual fascination with fisting tuna. And, yeah, I know that's a difficult image to scrub from the brain, you have my apologies...
Speaking of things that can't be unseen, I may as well put this out there officially, 'cuz I can't remember if I'd brought this up yet. The subject of No Pants Day came up, specifically the Brony incident, or what I like to sometimes think of as the Night Of The Magical Rainbow Nipples. Now, it wasn't very long ago that Seriah Azkath posted a certain video to my Facebook page, suggesting that it was time for me to "raise the bar". His words, not mine. 
So, with all that being said, I am going to give fair warning that this year, on No Pants Day, I plan on doing just that. The bar will be raised, this plan has actually been in the works since No Pants Day of last year. Allow me to apologize, PROFUSELY, in advance.
And no, I'm not going to get naked, although that would pretty much be the ultimate No Pants Day scenario. Still...never say never, right?
At some point in the evening Jeffie thought it would be amusing to cut my heart out with a pair of scissors. I forget why this seemed so entertaining, but it doesn't matter, I guess. Good thing I'm actually a clone, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this. Funny, Jeffie had even mentioned that one of the "perks" of being a clone is that all parts are optional. As a matter of fact, he cited an incident where they'd dismembered him and had a scavenger hunt to find all of his parts and put him back together. Totally fucking sorry I missed out on that, too! Sounds like a BLAST!!!
Anyhoo, I discovered, upon regaining consciousness, that my heart was not only cut from my chest, but was also among the missing. Yeah, no sign of the damned thing, I still don't know where it is, for certain. Although I do have more than a couple of suspicions...more on that in a bit, though...
The latter part of the evening saw Joe make a bizarre discovery about the chair he was sitting in. It had...control knobs and other assorted...thingies...and such. He was pretty excited, I've gotta say. Even asked how many speeds that thing had.
Honestly,  I don't even know what that thing runs on. I sincerely thought Joe was joking when he said he was going to take that chair for a spin. I mean, I'm pretty sure we ALL thought he was joking, but then he was gone! Tore outta the place like it was nothing, leaving a gaping hole in Azkath's wall, which let all that cold air into Azkath's living room, where we had all been sitting comfortably, until that moment.
Jeffie had attempted to latch on for the ride, but apparently lost his grip and stumbled blindly in the dark until he ran, head-first, into some livestock in the pasture across the road. The jackass ended up getting his head stuck up the ass...of a REAL jackass...
Karma's a crazy fuckin' thing, ain't it?
Anyhow, after Joe filled us in on that little adventure, he promptly told us that he was going to take another ride. Jeffie was able to jump into his lap just seconds before Joe zoomed off again. We've had no further contact from either of them. So, if you see a couple of goofs attempting to break the sound barrier in a recliner, just back up and slowly walk away...and be thankful they're not trying to warp into hyperspace.
And, yeah, I'm pretty sure they've got my heart with them, wherever they may be...

Playlist

Gouge - I Smell Of Rotten Death
Falloch - I Shall Build Mountains

Armageddon - Fugitive Dust
Death Rattle - Doomsday
By The Graveyard Tree - Murder Haus
Napalm Death - Stunt Your Growth
Orden Ogan - In Grief And Chains

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January 9, 2015 - Where It Tickles...

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

Azkath was the bearer of, well...uncertain...news on this particular evening. One of those half-full/half-empty things, I suppose you could say. 
Regular listeners may remember that I paid a visit to The Last Exit For The Lost late last year, back in September or so. They may also remember a little segment that saw me lying on my back (I was shirtless...) with three Twinkies resting on my stomach.
David Gee, one of the co-hosts of The Last Exit, splashed me (he was also shirtless...), pretty effectively flattening those Twinkies. A second splash assured that they were more or less inedible...as if there were any freakin' question...
Folks may ALSO remember that Sloth was visiting that night. And Sloth LOVES Twinkies...had been craving them for months upon months, and was continuously denied them after they were re-introduuced to store shelves across the world. Sloth carried on terribly over the demise of those Twinkies, attempting to lick the remains of those Twinkies that were ground into my torso.
All of this, of course, was recorded for posterity and can be viewed on YouTube.
Which brings me me back to the subject at hand. Those videos are starting to get some activity from certain circles. I believe the term is "bear-lovers", if ya know what I mean. And, let's face it, I'm kind of a bear...and Dave...well, Dave's more like a Gummy Bear, I suppose.
Dave is also used to this kind of attention, where I am not. Which is okay, I guess, as I suppose I should be flattered. After all, it's nice for one's efforts to be appreciated and recognized and such.
Just...not my cup of tea, really. Like I said...half-full/half-empty...
There was a brief discussion regarding a band called Nunslaughter...or...wait...was it...Nun's Laughter?
Shit...
I suppose the only other pertinent event of the evening came when it was revealed that I was still writhing in flaming agony every time I tried to sing. Somebody actually suggested that this is a fitting punishment, because apparently that is EXACTLY how my singing affects people.Fucking critics...
Anyhoo, Azkath decided some tweaking of my brain was in order, so he took a moment or two to fiddle around in my head again.Now, when I try to sing, I giggle until I almost pee myself. Jury's still out as to whether this can be considered trading up, to be perfectly honest. I mean, it's not so much THAT it tickles...
...it's WHERE it tickles... 
 


Playlist

Bullet - Run With The Hunted
Heaving Earth - Worms Of Rusted Congregation
Marilyn Manson - Third Day Of A Seven Day Binge

Corners Of Sanctuary - A Fist Full Of Vengeance
One Way Mirror - Neglected Skies
Ravenscroft - Cult Of The Damned
Goat Semen - Warfare Noise
Crackhouse - March Of The Crackhead

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January 2, 2015 - Best of 2014 Part 2

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

Let's see, this particular night was our first official show of 2015, and it was also the second half of our annual Best Of countdown. Azkath still seemed very confused about some aspects of this whole phenomenon. I get his point in some ways. It's really hard to choose bands that could be considered the "best" of the year, so maybe it would be more appropriate to just say these albums were our top personal FAVORITES of the year?
 
An early discussion on this evening came about because it's not particularly comfortable in our new digs once the temperatures start to plummet.. But, despite the discomfort of our new digs this time of year, we're dealing with it pretty well, taking steps to gradually improve the situation. Of course, with that being said, I'm considered a bit of a puss when it comes to colder temps. As a matter of fact, the guys have called me the girl of the group for these reasons. As a matter of fact, on this particular episode it was hypothesized that I may have, at one point in the past, watched The Notebook while bundled up in a blanket, while eating Panda Paws ice cream.The scary part is, I DO bundle up with a blanket this time of year (usually with a cat in my lap)...I actually HAVE EATEN Panda Paws ice cream...and I HAVE seen The Notebook...sad to say. And, yes, it's likely I've done most of those, if not all, simultaneously, but not completely by choice, at least when it comes to The Notebook...
 
So, after being cloned once again, I've been dealing with some unpleasant aftereffects. Truth is, I don't know if it's from the cloning, per se, or if it's from the bit of tweaking that Azkath did with my brain following the most recent cloning attempt. Long-time listeners know that I have this sometimes annoying habit of randomly breaking into song. Honestly, it just doesn't take much to connect a random thought to a song, my brain is pretty friggin' insane in that regard. Sadly, anytime I try to sing these days, I have searing pain tear through my head. It's the closest thing I can imagine to having somebody fill my skull with high octane fuel and tossing a lit match in. Yep, it really, REALLY sucks!
Pretty sure nobody's going to take steps to rectify this little issue. The guys HATE it when I sing...
 
Unfortunately, our first show of 2015 also featured a visit from Jeffie, who I like to think of as the Village Idiot of The Metallic Onslaught. He even went so far as to claim that he was the host of the show, now called "Jeffie's Metallic Onslaught".  I mean, he's said for years that he's the Superstar of the show, but he's taken things just a bit far, if ya ask me. 
Still, in the end, I'd say the show finished on  a high note, as we seem to have stumbled upon a new nickname for him. Yep, from now on, we're callin' him Boner!
 


Playlist

Arch Enemy - Never Forgive, Never Forget
Beyond Creation - Theatrical Delirium
Bloodbath - Mental Abortion
Exodus - Body Harvest
Goatwhore - Cold Earth Consumed In Dying Flesh

Gutted Alive - Endless Amounts Of Corpses
Machine Head - Eyes Of The Dead
Obituary - Back On Top
Order Of The Dead - Resistance Is Victory
Septic Flesh - Prometheus

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