June 19, 2015 - Joe's Birthday Massacre

We're all pretty impressed with the newest release from High On Fire, entitled "Luminiferous". As a matter of fact, it was asked if I'd ever been high on fire, myself.
My response..."I was young once..." 'Nuff said!
Of course, this whole discussion completely degenerated quickly. It was actually suggested that perhaps I should be the subject of my own Burning Man festival...with me literally being set on fire. It was also speculated on whether or not I actually tasted like bacon. This led to me discussing "long pork", which nobody else had ever heard of...with good reason, as it turned out I was using the wrong term. What I'd meant to say was "long pig", a term used to reference the meat of humans among certain cannibalistic societies.
It was also suggested that perhaps, if I were shorter and weighed more, I could perhaps be Boss Hogg for Halloween this year. Quiite frankly, aside from drooling over Catherine Bach's legs, I hated the Dukes Of Hazzard...and besides, I have something else in mind for Halloween this year.
I guess you could say everything came full circle when Jeffie actually started licking the top of my head to see if I did, indeed, taste like bacon. Unfortunately for him, the day had been a bit on the humid side, so if I tasted like anything, it was sweaty human...

Things got really strange as the evening went on. Jeffie had put in a mix DVD for us to watch, and we were subjected to a random selection of crazy Japanese television content. We're talking a bit of sketch comedy, game shows, commercials...just loads and loads of odd shit that I would honestly rather have erased permanently from my brain. Of course, I'm sure they'd say the same about some of the stuff we watch, so who am I to judge?
It's a whacky world, what can I say?
Now, it had been well established that we were watching a DVD, but Joe claimed that there was absolutely nothing on the television at all, and I was just describing the random things that pop up naturally in my head. Even Josh agreed with Joe, until he pointed out some things that were taking place on the screen. This seemed to please Jeffie, who claimed that it was "spreading"...
Joe started getting really frustrated with me throughout all of this. Frustrated enough that he started dumping garbage bags full of foam rubber on top of my head. What that was supposed to accomplish, I have no earthly idea. It certainly wasn't a game changer. From there he took a ratchet and tried opening my head up to remove the part of my brain that was processing all of the insanity we were watching. Jeffie had actually mentioned something about my "belly brain", whatever the hell that was all about.
As a matter of fact, things went to completely different levels of weirdness when not only a "TV Chip" was mentioned, but also a "Tracker Chip". As it turned out, the TV Chip was located in my belly, beneath the...thing...that is growing inside of me.
So, as for the TV Chip, my head ended up getting pulled backward so Joe could reach in through my neck to find it, effectively turning me into a human Pez Dispenser until I healed.
This didn't help, to be honest, because I could still see everything that was on that television, which by now had moved on to a mix of scenes from some extreme horror flicks. If you've ever seen "Cannibal Holocaust" or "The Gates Of Hell", you know what I'm talking about.
As for the Tracker Chip...it seems that this is to help them find me after the Bigfeets abduct me. I'm personally not worried about this, because as I've stated before, there is NO SUCH THING as Bigfeets...
Josh surprised us with an aggressive display of martial arts insanity. Normally Josh doesn't lay a hand on anybody when he's demonstrating his mastery of Air Fu, but he got his hands on some of that foam and started beating the shit out of us. Literally, he was making actual physical contact with his blows! This had never happened before, in all the time he's been on the show! It was really somewhat impressive, so I guess we can now call him a master of Foam Fu.

The evening came to a close shortly after Jeffie reminded us that Joe's birthday was soon approaching. Things degenerated into pure chaos shortly after Jeffie started giving Joe a birthday lap dance, with me joining in when I noticed that Joe seemed to be enjoying himself.
From there, it became Joe's Birthday Massacre Show, with the evening ending in complete carnage.


High On Fire - The Dark Side Of The Compass
Vattnet Viskar - Impact
Slaughter To Prevail - Death

Powerwolf - Army Of The Night
Edge Of Paradise - Children Of The Sea
Bullet For My Valentine - No Way Out
Ken Mode - A Passive Disaster
Bone Gnawer - Untold Story: Human Pork Bun

Alkaloid - Funeral For A Continent
Kataklysm - Thy Serpents Tongue
Shrapnel Storm - Combat High
Mantar - Astral Cannibal
Million Miles From Broadway - Eye Equals One

Sun And Sail Club - Dresden Fireball Freakout Flight
Divinex - Reinventions
The V - Again
Ghost - Cirice
Doomentor - Nocturniae Monumentalis

Johnny B. Morbid - Future In Flames
Myrkur - Haevnen
Skinless - Serpenticide
Sideburn - The Seer (Angel Of Death)
The Great Discord - The Aging Man

Thy Art Is Murder - Light Bearer
Demon Lung - Deny The Savior
Lucifer - Purple Pyramid
Lorna Shore - Wretching In Torment
Nekrogoblikon - We Need A Gimmick

Leprous - Triumphant
Wrvth - Ongoing Dissension
We Butter The Bread With Butter - Zombiebitch
Battlecross - Not Your Slave
Age Of Shadows - Prophet's Warning

Agent Steel - Still Searchin'
Prong - Beg To Differ
Edge Of Sanity - Blood Of My Enemies
Type O Negative - Black No. 1
UFO - Lights Out

Beyond Fallen - Valhalla Rising
Armored Saint - An Exercise In Debauchery
Helloween - Creatures In Heaven
Our Transfixion - Harlotry
Turbowolf - Solid Gold

Cattle Decapitation - Manufactured Extinct
E-Force - State Of Delusion
Entrails - Abyss Of Corpses
George Kollias - Treasures Of Nemesis
Haste The Day - Take

Lamb Of God - Still Echoes
Paradise Lost - Punishment Through Time
White House Burning - Your Pain
Cradle Of Filth - Right Wing Of The Garden Triptych
The Rods - Great Big Fake Ones

Caustic Method - Six Feet


The Movie