October 8, 2011 - Just Joe's Birthday

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

So, if you were tuned in this week, you know that I was ousted from the show early. Somehow I ended up by the road with a For Free sign tied around my neck... Good thing Bill was passing by at around that time, 'cuz who the Hell knows where I may have ended up otherwise? Thanks a bunch, guys, I won't forget this one...

Anyhoo, I probably deserved it, considering I'd consumed some Zatarain's Red Beans and Rice before the show, and the results were a little worse than normal... (Worse meaning that Jeffie ended up comparing the smell to dead Sea Monkeys...25-year-dead Sea Monkeys, to be precise...) Okay, I'm kind of a gassy guy, and yeah, everybody's right, it doesn't seem to matter what I eat! Maybe I should just starve myself? Either that , or just accept things for what they are and just go for broke every week. Maybe I'll have a whole bunch of broccoli and taco dip before the next show! Mmmmm... (No worries, I'm not actually a big fan of broccoli...)

Anyway, from a music perspective, there was a bit of a mixed bag for some of us. I mean, Joe played "Mad Dog" by Anvil, a song I hadn't heard since the 80's. Seriously, the last time I'd heard that song was on Bob Appel's old show, The Rock Shop. The good old days... So, yeah, that was pretty awesome. However, Joe decided that we deserved to hear that Metallica/Lou Reed song again. Now, this collaboration has officially been dubbed LuLu...although, as much as I love Metallica (and I really do, don't get me wrong...), the majority of us on the Onslaught seem to think that the name should be changed to PuPu... Okay, the music itself really isn't terrible. It's mostly Lou Reed's involvement that turns this into a huge pile of shit, at least in my book. And face it, Lars' drumming in recent years hasn't been so great. Can't put my finger on it, but there is definitely something missing from his old sound...

Now, as if that weren't bad enough, he also tossed in some more Bulletboys from their recent cover album, as well as some Michael Schenker with Robin McCauley (a little lame, I'm sad to say, and I seem to remember that line-up of MSG actually being pretty good...), Five Finger Death Punch (hate 'em, just don't care for this band, never have...), and a truly awful track from Maylene and The Sons Of Disaster, a band that Joe actually liked an album or so ago. Oddly enough, the best song that came out of that Set Of Pain (as I have dubbed it...) was the Bulletboys track, a cover of Scorpions "Falling In Love". In fact, we all agreed that Bulletboys actually IMPROVED on the original. (Honestly, not that big of a feat, if you ask me, and I'm actually a fan of the Scorps...) Redemption for this set came a little later, as Joe played some Charred Walls Of The Damned, which features former Judas Priest vocalist Tim "Ripper" Owens, and was pretty freakin' good! He also backed that up with some classic Priest in the form of "Desert Plains", so the night really wasn't a complete bust!

On to the usual, non-musicall insanity: Jeffie showed up with FMG, as well as Justjoe (from The Last Exit For The Lost). Seems it was Justjoe's birthday, and we all got to sing "Happy Birthday" for him! As we all beat and kicked him into submission... (Seriously, we clubbed him like a baby seal!) We didn't have any water to revive him, but there was a big ol' bucket of cheese balls that he'd brought along! Oddly enough, pouring them on top of his head seemed to help. Go figure...

It was shortly after this that I was forcibly ejected to the side of the road with a For Free sign tied around my neck, so from there, I've no clue what happened...

Recap by Fire Eater Wizard;
Jeffie arrived with Just Joe in tow. It was Just Joe's birthday! Jeffie said that, instead of giving Just Joe birthday spankings, they should all sing "Happy Birthday" to him... While they all gave him a brutal beat down throughout the entire song, which they all did. Just Joe wasn't too happy with this birthday greeting for some reason. Next Jeffie said he had a new fun game for them all to play... It was called Yearbook. Jeffie would give a category of "who is most likely to...", and everyone would give their vote for the person, there, or not there, that they thought best fit. So that went on for a while, and they voted on stuff like who was the most likely to have sex and not know it, who was the most likely to get set on fire, the most likely to fall off a roof, to get really drunk and tear someone's head off in a frenzied rage in a mosh pit, things like that. Then Jeffie brought back a feature from almost a decade ago, where he tells us what he did on each day of the past week, only, in Jeffie's week, there is no Monday, he says Sunday lasts for two days. Dumbass! So Jeffie did things during this past week like get naked and see how long it took someone to start screaming (he claimed it took a bit over five minutes, but I, and no one else, believes that, we're all sure it took WAAAAAYYY less time than that, more like five seconds, and even that's a stretch!), go kite flying, walk on a beach. Then Jeffie asked Just Joe to tell us what he had done during the week... And, with the exception of his going to The Last Exit For The Lost radio program, where he is a regular co-host, from midnight to six A.M., Saturday night into Sunday mornings, all of the rest of his days were exactly the same... He worked, he took care of his spawn, he slept. Oh yeah, one of the days, between work, the spawn, and sleep, he did something really different... He took a nap. Everyone pointed out to him how much his life sucked. Just Joe became depressed and was pouting. Jeffie told Just Joe that The Demon Azkath had told him what he needed to do to make Just Joe feel better, that he had something for him that he would really like... It was a board, covered in barbed wire. Jeffie said that Azkath had told him that he needed to body slam Just Joe onto it, that that would make Just Joe feel MUCH BETTER! Just Joe seemed somewhat doubtful that this would make him feel better, but Jeffie insisted that it would. He body slammed Just Joe onto the board. Just Joe's butt and crotch were firmly impaled on the barbed wire. The screams of agony were quite something to behold, and went on and on! Jeffie kept pushing Just Joe down onto the barbed wire, making him scream more. Jeffie kept asking Just Joe which way he should push. Just Joe shrieked not to push at all. Everyone explained to Jeffie that he needed to get Just Joe's butt and crotch off the barbed wire. Finally, after much agonized howling, Just Joe was free. It came out that Azkath had told Jeffie to do that as pay back from when, a couple weeks back, on The Last Exit For The Lost, Just Joe, and Shane, had teamed up to blind side him, causing him to be impaled on the barbed wire board by Just Joe, after Shane, who had been supposed to be providing cometary of the match, had clobbered him from behind with a metal sign. So this had been his revenge on Just Joe. Jeffie asked Just Joe if he felt better now, like he was supposed to. Dumbass! Just Joe said no, he felt even worse, much worse! Jeffie asked what would make him feel better? Just Joe said a hug from Rick would, because he said he now thought of Rick as his new Dave, Dave being Just Joe's good friend. Rick actually did agree to hug Just Joe, and hug him nicely, not like in a strangle hug or anything, and it actually was helping Just Joe feel better... Until Rick smacked Just Joe across the face, which Rick said he had done because Just Joe had wiped bodily fluids, fluids from the barbed wire experience, on him. Just Joe was still feeling quite miserable. Jeffie told Just Joe he knew of something that would make him feel better, something he would really like, and, he promised, it had absolutely nothing to do with barbed wire... They would tickle Josh! Which they proceeded to do. That finally made Just Joe feel better and happy after what had been pretty much a real bummer of a birthday for him, what with the brutal beat down at the beginning of the night, then finding out just how boring his life is, and how much it sucks, then the excruciating pain of having his crotch and butt torn up on the barbed wire, and topped off by being slapped by Rick, even if that last one was due to his own stupidity. Just Joe said he really liked tickling Josh, and was going to do it some more. They tickled Josh 'til his face was purple, and he was about suffocated. So Josh was the sacrifice to salvage something of Just Joe's birthday for him, and bring some happiness into what had not been a very happy birthday for him at all. Sorry, Josh, I guess you took one for the team there.


Slipknot - Disasterpiece
EdGuy - Rock Of Cashel
Girlschool - Hit & Run
L.A. Guns - Electric Gypsy

Opeth - Face In The Snow
No Redemption - Dying Day
Anvil - Mad Dog
Kyng - Pushing & Pulling

Arch/Matheos - On The Fence
Chickenfoot - Up Next
Immolation - Still Lost
Generation Kill - Walking Dead
Vangough - The Rabbit Kingdom

Tonight We Feed - Five Finger Priest Punch
Hammers Of Misfortune - Grey Wednesday
Myrath - Braving The Seas
Blizzard - 666 Angry Barbarians
Forgotten Tomb - You Can't Kill Whos Already Dead

Michael Schenker - Lover's Sinfony
Lou Reed & Metallica - The View
Bulletboys - Falling In Love
Five Finger Death Punch - Wicked Ways
Maylene And The Sons Of Disaster - Faith Healer

Immortal Souls - Nuclear Winter
Nothing Til Blood - Stands True
Kyng - Trampled Sun
Charred Walls Of The Damned - Forever Marching On
Judas Priest - Desert Plains

Fuck The Facts - Cold Hearted
Landmine Marathon - Knife From My Sleeve
Crowned By Fire - Witch In The window
Mortal Sin - Blood Of My Enemies

Isole - Black Hours
Machine Head - Be Still And Know
Mastodon - Stargasm
Dream Theater - Build Me Up, Break Me Down
Wayne Static - Chrome Nation

Warbringer - Echoes From The Void
Anthrax - Earth On Hell
The Devil Wears Prada - R.I.T.
Megadeth - Never Dead
Hull - False Priest

Sulaco - The Approach
Misfits - Land Of The Dead
Charred Walls Of The Damned - Zerospan
Insomnium - Meandering Through The Shadows
Slayer - Post Mortem
Slayer - Raining Blood

Skeletonwitch - Erased And Forgotten
Anvil - March Of The Crabs

The Movie