June 18, 2011 - Joe's Birthday

Joes BirthdayRecap by The Metal Wulf;
So, after the out of control insanity of last week, I figured we'd be hard pressed to follow that goofiness up for a second straight week. I was wrong, so terribly, terribly wrong... The Demon Azkath, Just Joe, and Foul Mouth Girl from The Last Exit For The Lost showed up to honor the birthday of our long-suffering host, Joe Wyatt. We celebrated by doing a variation of a Russian Roulette show. If you're familiar with The Last Exit, you know what I'm talking about. For those new to this concept, allow me to explain: In a traditional Russian Roulette show, "bullets" are chosen at random from a bag, but only when certain songs are played. These songs usually fall into the category of cheesy, overplayed stuff. Each "bullet" is actually a small slip of paper with a special action or activity printed on it. For example, if Joe had chosen the slip that said Just Joe Hugs Everybody, that's what would happen. And, as I recall, that did transpire. One of the more tolerable bullets, to be honest. Believe me, they can get pretty brutal... So, in this variation, Joe the birthday boy got to pick a random bullet during each talk break, and got to choose who got to perform the action written on that particular bullet. Much to Joe's dismay, one of the first bullets to be pulled said that Joe had to play Alice Cooper's "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)". Not one of Alice's most popular tracks on our show. Personally, I really don't mind it so much, but Joe can't stand it, so you can only imagine how that went over... But, in the end, the song was played, and Joe complained that his birthday was starting to suck. And things weren't about to get any better... The next bullet said "Randy Dances". Now, this was kind of tough, because anything with a danceable rhythm is kind of scarce on our show. However, I had a little brainstorm. There's an old classic rock song called "Black Betty" that never fails to get me moving, and thankfully Azkath had a version of it handy. Yes, that is what I danced to, and I'm thinking from here on in, that song's got to be my official dancing music. During my performance, it was suggested that I give out lap dances. Joe didn't seem very receptive, though, so I moved on to Will, Lindsey, Kasey, and Josh. Can't really say that what I was doing could best be described as a lap dance, though. More like random humping motions, in rhythm, of course. Overall, my efforts really weren't appreciated that much. Amd Joe's compaints continued... Things picked up on the next bullet. Funny thing is, Josh jumped at the chance to take one more the team when this bullet, which was called "Through The Board", was drawn. A large, and moderately thin, board was placed on the floor, held up by two cinder blocks. It was then debated as to who was going to go through the board, and how they were going to go through. After much deliberation it was decided that Azkath would actually be the one to go through. Further deliberation ensued as to HOW he would go through... Approximately five minutes later, it was finally decided that Rick and I would do a double chokeslam on Azkath. It went pretty well, all told. I mean, Azkath was able to still talk and walk about afterward, so I guess he must have been okay. Will was the subject of the next bullet, entitled "Hammer Smashed Face". Will had to lie on the floor, holding a Mac Book in front of his face. Azkath then took a VERY large hammer (and when I say large, imagine Viking weaponry...), and proceeded to smash the Mac Book over Will's face. Eventually the book was just left on the floor to be abused as we passed the hammer from person to person. I honestly thought we were going to lose Josh to a full-blown Viking Berserker Rage, and even I started to enjoy swinging that thing just a little too much. Let's face it, Azkath's got some REEEEAAAALLLLY cool toys at his disposal! Joe's birthday present from Azkath was finally revealed, much to the dismay of all. Yes, I regret to inform the Metallic Onslaught listening community that a brand new Jeffie has been created and unleashed on our show. It was all good though, because the newest Jeffie made the perfect subject for the next bullet, which was entitled "DVD Player To The Head". Now, it was around this time that an old guest of ours decided to pop in unexpectedly. UWF wrestler, Jay Flyer, showed up with his security staff, and it was actually Jay's head of security who got to swing the DVD player at Jeffie's skull. It didn't take long for the real carnage to happen. We ended up with a full-on Onslaught/Security staff brawl, and once the smoke cleared, I found myself holding that monstrous hammer, and wearing that goofy viking helmet that keeps popping up in my vicinity. Oh, have I mentioned that it seems this new "personality" is called Olaf? Go figure... Next bullet: Hugs! Yes, Just Joe made his rounds, accompanied by Jeffie, hugging everybody in their paths. To be honest, this was kind of a breath of fresh air, following everything else. Speaking of fresh, Josh got the opportunity to freshen up Just Joe, because the next bullet requred that Just Joe be bathed. Not sure how that went for Josh. I mean, there IS a shower upstairs, and the two of them went up together, and Just Joe DID come back in his boxers, and with wet hair, so.... I'm guessing it was a success? Time flies when your having fun, as the saying goes, and the final bullet of the evening once again fell on Just Joe. This one was called "Basement Time", and it was with the promise of cake that Just Joe was lured inside the door behind the basement. He was promptly shut in and told to be careful of the spiders... I really can't blame Just Joe for screaming like a little red-haired girl with skinned knees. I don't particlularly care for spiders either, which probably explains my own screams when he came out of the basement and started hugging me, allowing the spiders to leave his body and crawl all over mine... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! And so, it was on that note that Joe's birthday celebration for this year came to a close, meaning this will probably be the last time we experience the Russian Roulette fun for at least another, oh, seven weeks or so, when Bill's birthday rolls around!

Apostle Of Solitude - Coldest LoveDeath - God Of Thunder
Twisted Sister - The Fire Still Burns
Stream Of Passion - Broken
Draconian - Elysian Night
A Storm Of Light - Wasteland
Cypherseer - Lost, Plagued And Redefined
In Solitude - Demons
Metal Church - Watch The Children Pray
Alice Cooper - He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)
Metallica - ...And Justice For All
The Rods - I Just Wanna Rock
Ozzy Osbourne - Believer
Morbid Angel - Nevermore
The Black Dahlia Murder - The Raven
Polkadot Cadaver - Slaughterhouse Striptease
Deceased - Skin Crawling Process
The Untold Lies - Enemy
Novembers Doom - Buried
A Pale Horse Named Death - Devil In The Closet
Burn Everything - Ghost Of The Waves
Vanna - History On Repeat
Devin Townsend Project - Stand
Unexpect - Mechanical Phoenix
IKILLYA - Bombs Away
Anorexia Nervosa - I'll Kill You
Black Country Communion - Save Me
Rival Sons - White Noise
Seven Witches - Ragnarock
Unearth - Watch It Burn
Spater - Rat Salad
Cry To The Blind - Better Than Me
Black Stone Cherry - Let Me See You Shake
Black Tide - Walking Dead Man
Who Cares - Out Of My Mind
Slayer - South Of Heaven
Alestorm - Midget Saw
Tyr - Take Your Tyrant
Anthrax - Aftershock
Chrome Division - Zombies And Monsters

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