January 23, 2015 - Randy eats Randy...
Recap by Randy the Metalwulf...
Gotta say, this night was possibly one of the most bizarre evenings in recent Metallic Onslaught history. Really, I'm a little uncertain as to where to start...
Well, to begin with, there was absolutely no sign of Joe or Jeffie. Not that we really missed Jeffie, mind you, but considering how the previous show ended we couldn't help but wonder just what the hell the two of them were up to...or where in the world they had ended up. I mean, honestly, NOBODY expected that chair to do anything but what chairs are meant for, know what I mean?
Azkath had mentioned that the chair had been designed by Last Exit For The Lost co-host EVD (Evil Villainous Dude), and Josh proceeded to remark that EVD was a genius. Azkath then clarified further that EVD was more like a mad scientist...
Anyhow, that show ended with Joe firing that chair up and taking off for God knows where, with Jeffie barely latching onto it before takeoff. Honestly, I don't even know if we'll see them again! Although, I will say that it was somewhat of a relief to know that, wherever they were, Joe was able to get the week's newest music selections to Azkath in a timely manner.
So, at least we know he was still in one piece to be able to do that!
Azkath shared some audio from The Last Exit For The Lost, taken from a segment from my birthday show. We hadn't done a balloon room in awhile, so I spent a good portion of that evenng blowing up balloons to fill up one of the sound booths in the new WVBR studios. Thankfully, I did get some help from Justjoe, Arydaea, and Olivia, vocalist for Undead Messengers. Much appreciated, actually, 'cuz it's a bit strenuous blowing up dozens upon dozens of balloons. Good thing I'd quit smoking, otherwise I probably would have passed out in a dead faint before the real fun began...
Anyhow, we'd been taking turns going into the balloon-filled booth, with Azkath monitoring us from the main studio. Olivia and her main squeeze, Tim (drummer for Undead Messengers) were ranting about something lurking in the room with them, mentioning something about "Santa". Weirder than you'd expect to be honest, considering Christmas has been pretty much done and over for a month now. I mean, what the hell would Santa be doing hanging out in a balloon-filled booth?
So, when my turn came, I played along, not believing for a moment that there was really anything in there with me.
How wrong I was...
Read more...
January 16, 2015 - Joe and the Special Chair
Recap by The Metal Wulf;
It was waaaaaay too damned cold to sit in the regular studio this week, so we actually found ourselves comfortably seated in Azkath's living room for this broadcast. Funny thing, too, because there was actually no sign of Azkath anywhere for the entire evening. Must have been occupied with other things, I guess.
What we DID end up with was another visitation from Jeffie, who seemed to have an unusual fascination with fisting tuna. And, yeah, I know that's a difficult image to scrub from the brain, you have my apologies...
Speaking of things that can't be unseen, I may as well put this out there officially, 'cuz I can't remember if I'd brought this up yet. The subject of No Pants Day came up, specifically the Brony incident, or what I like to sometimes think of as the Night Of The Magical Rainbow Nipples. Now, it wasn't very long ago that Seriah Azkath posted a certain video to my Facebook page, suggesting that it was time for me to "raise the bar". His words, not mine.
So, with all that being said, I am going to give fair warning that this year, on No Pants Day, I plan on doing just that. The bar will be raised, this plan has actually been in the works since No Pants Day of last year. Allow me to apologize, PROFUSELY, in advance.
And no, I'm not going to get naked, although that would pretty much be the ultimate No Pants Day scenario. Still...never say never, right?
At some point in the evening Jeffie thought it would be amusing to cut my heart out with a pair of scissors. I forget why this seemed so entertaining, but it doesn't matter, I guess. Good thing I'm actually a clone, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this. Funny, Jeffie had even mentioned that one of the "perks" of being a clone is that all parts are optional. As a matter of fact, he cited an incident where they'd dismembered him and had a scavenger hunt to find all of his parts and put him back together. Totally fucking sorry I missed out on that, too! Sounds like a BLAST!!!
Anyhoo, I discovered, upon regaining consciousness, that my heart was not only cut from my chest, but was also among the missing. Yeah, no sign of the damned thing, I still don't know where it is, for certain. Although I do have more than a couple of suspicions...more on that in a bit, though...
The latter part of the evening saw Joe make a bizarre discovery about the chair he was sitting in. It had...control knobs and other assorted...thingies...and such. He was pretty excited, I've gotta say. Even asked how many speeds that thing had.
Honestly, I don't even know what that thing runs on. I sincerely thought Joe was joking when he said he was going to take that chair for a spin. I mean, I'm pretty sure we ALL thought he was joking, but then he was gone! Tore outta the place like it was nothing, leaving a gaping hole in Azkath's wall, which let all that cold air into Azkath's living room, where we had all been sitting comfortably, until that moment.
Jeffie had attempted to latch on for the ride, but apparently lost his grip and stumbled blindly in the dark until he ran, head-first, into some livestock in the pasture across the road. The jackass ended up getting his head stuck up the ass...of a REAL jackass...
Karma's a crazy fuckin' thing, ain't it?
Anyhow, after Joe filled us in on that little adventure, he promptly told us that he was going to take another ride. Jeffie was able to jump into his lap just seconds before Joe zoomed off again. We've had no further contact from either of them. So, if you see a couple of goofs attempting to break the sound barrier in a recliner, just back up and slowly walk away...and be thankful they're not trying to warp into hyperspace.
And, yeah, I'm pretty sure they've got my heart with them, wherever they may be...
Playlist
Gouge - I Smell Of Rotten Death
Falloch - I Shall Build Mountains
Armageddon - Fugitive Dust
Death Rattle - Doomsday
By The Graveyard Tree - Murder Haus
Napalm Death - Stunt Your Growth
Orden Ogan - In Grief And Chains
January 9, 2015 - Where It Tickles...
Recap by The Metal Wulf;
Azkath was the bearer of, well...uncertain...news on this particular evening. One of those half-full/half-empty things, I suppose you could say.
Regular listeners may remember that I paid a visit to The Last Exit For The Lost late last year, back in September or so. They may also remember a little segment that saw me lying on my back (I was shirtless...) with three Twinkies resting on my stomach.
David Gee, one of the co-hosts of The Last Exit, splashed me (he was also shirtless...), pretty effectively flattening those Twinkies. A second splash assured that they were more or less inedible...as if there were any freakin' question...
Folks may ALSO remember that Sloth was visiting that night. And Sloth LOVES Twinkies...had been craving them for months upon months, and was continuously denied them after they were re-introduuced to store shelves across the world. Sloth carried on terribly over the demise of those Twinkies, attempting to lick the remains of those Twinkies that were ground into my torso.
All of this, of course, was recorded for posterity and can be viewed on YouTube.
Which brings me me back to the subject at hand. Those videos are starting to get some activity from certain circles. I believe the term is "bear-lovers", if ya know what I mean. And, let's face it, I'm kind of a bear...and Dave...well, Dave's more like a Gummy Bear, I suppose.
Dave is also used to this kind of attention, where I am not. Which is okay, I guess, as I suppose I should be flattered. After all, it's nice for one's efforts to be appreciated and recognized and such.
Just...not my cup of tea, really. Like I said...half-full/half-empty...
There was a brief discussion regarding a band called Nunslaughter...or...wait...was it...Nun's Laughter?
Shit...
I suppose the only other pertinent event of the evening came when it was revealed that I was still writhing in flaming agony every time I tried to sing. Somebody actually suggested that this is a fitting punishment, because apparently that is EXACTLY how my singing affects people.Fucking critics...
Anyhoo, Azkath decided some tweaking of my brain was in order, so he took a moment or two to fiddle around in my head again.Now, when I try to sing, I giggle until I almost pee myself. Jury's still out as to whether this can be considered trading up, to be perfectly honest. I mean, it's not so much THAT it tickles...
...it's WHERE it tickles...
Playlist
Bullet - Run With The Hunted
Heaving Earth - Worms Of Rusted Congregation
Marilyn Manson - Third Day Of A Seven Day Binge
Corners Of Sanctuary - A Fist Full Of Vengeance
One Way Mirror - Neglected Skies
Ravenscroft - Cult Of The Damned
Goat Semen - Warfare Noise
Crackhouse - March Of The Crackhead
January 2, 2015 - Best of 2014 Part 2
Recap by The Metal Wulf;
Let's see, this particular night was our first official show of 2015, and it was also the second half of our annual Best Of countdown. Azkath still seemed very confused about some aspects of this whole phenomenon. I get his point in some ways. It's really hard to choose bands that could be considered the "best" of the year, so maybe it would be more appropriate to just say these albums were our top personal FAVORITES of the year?
An early discussion on this evening came about because it's not particularly comfortable in our new digs once the temperatures start to plummet.. But, despite the discomfort of our new digs this time of year, we're dealing with it pretty well, taking steps to gradually improve the situation. Of course, with that being said, I'm considered a bit of a puss when it comes to colder temps. As a matter of fact, the guys have called me the girl of the group for these reasons. As a matter of fact, on this particular episode it was hypothesized that I may have, at one point in the past, watched The Notebook while bundled up in a blanket, while eating Panda Paws ice cream.The scary part is, I DO bundle up with a blanket this time of year (usually with a cat in my lap)...I actually HAVE EATEN Panda Paws ice cream...and I HAVE seen The Notebook...sad to say. And, yes, it's likely I've done most of those, if not all, simultaneously, but not completely by choice, at least when it comes to The Notebook...
So, after being cloned once again, I've been dealing with some unpleasant aftereffects. Truth is, I don't know if it's from the cloning, per se, or if it's from the bit of tweaking that Azkath did with my brain following the most recent cloning attempt. Long-time listeners know that I have this sometimes annoying habit of randomly breaking into song. Honestly, it just doesn't take much to connect a random thought to a song, my brain is pretty friggin' insane in that regard. Sadly, anytime I try to sing these days, I have searing pain tear through my head. It's the closest thing I can imagine to having somebody fill my skull with high octane fuel and tossing a lit match in. Yep, it really, REALLY sucks!
Pretty sure nobody's going to take steps to rectify this little issue. The guys HATE it when I sing...
Unfortunately, our first show of 2015 also featured a visit from Jeffie, who I like to think of as the Village Idiot of The Metallic Onslaught. He even went so far as to claim that he was the host of the show, now called "Jeffie's Metallic Onslaught". I mean, he's said for years that he's the Superstar of the show, but he's taken things just a bit far, if ya ask me.
Still, in the end, I'd say the show finished on a high note, as we seem to have stumbled upon a new nickname for him. Yep, from now on, we're callin' him Boner!
Playlist
Arch Enemy - Never Forgive, Never Forget
Beyond Creation - Theatrical Delirium
Bloodbath - Mental Abortion
Exodus - Body Harvest
Goatwhore - Cold Earth Consumed In Dying Flesh
Gutted Alive - Endless Amounts Of Corpses
Machine Head - Eyes Of The Dead
Obituary - Back On Top
Order Of The Dead - Resistance Is Victory
Septic Flesh - Prometheus
December 26, 2014 - Part 1 of the Best of 2014
Recap by The Metal Wulf;
this was the first of two installments focusing on our top albums of 2014. This is what happens when we decide to switch from Top 10's to Top 20's, as there is way too much good music to just get tucked by the wayside with no mention. Generally a quiet evening, but there was mention of some recent exploits from The Last Exit For The Lost that will have lasting repercussions for both shows. I had been in the studio for the Last Exit's semi-annual We Love Satan show, and somehow I got to be the poor schmoe that got to channel El Diablo himself. After being duct-taped to a chair...you know, for everybody's protection..., Azkath summoned Satan, who promptly entered my body. And wow, was he PISSED! And can you blame him? I'm sure it's not every day that he's duped so easily, and then to be subjected to tickling...I mean, who the hell actually TICKLES the Devil?The crew from The Last Exit For The Lost, that's who... Anyhoo, that's when things went really, REALLY wrong for me. Satan was so put off by being tickled that my head ended up exploding.
Meaning, of course, that I have been cloned for a second time. Crazy process, actually. I mean, I remember most of the important things that happened to previous...versions...of me, but, it's really a sketchy process at first. Seriously, I have no idea what the coming weeks are going to be like as I get a feel for this...again...
Playlist
Apostle Of Solitude - Die Vicar Die
Bog Oak - The Resurrection Of Animals
Exodus - Honor Killings
Fu Manchu - No Warning
Hanzel und Gretyl - Burning Witches For Satan
Ire Clad - Feeds On Them
Northern Crown - A Perfectly Realized Torment
Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide
Septic Flesh - Order Of Dracul
Throwdown - Suffer, Conquer
December 19, 2014 - Eric from Ire Clad Visits...
Recap by The Metal Wulf;
Eric Rodriguez, bassist for Ithaca, NY's Ire Clad, has the distinct honor of being our first guest on the show since all the changes late last summer. Of course, some may consider that a dubious honor for us, as Eric is a...well...UNIQUE individual. I mean, only Eric would show regret over me losing my scalp and not being album to lick my skull. I believe he even went so far as to describe it as cranialingus...
Gotta say, the holidays had been taking a bit of a toll on me by the time this show came along. Anybody who's ever worked any type of retail job around Christmas knows what I'm talking about. Something about this kinda work that just sucks the holdiay spirit right out of you. And I'd literally only been home from work mere minutes before having to head out with the guys to do that show.
So, being dead tired with no time to recharge the batteries, I fell asleep during a talk break...until Seriah Azkath assured that I'd stay wide awake by dumping handfuls of snow down my back. Yes, it sucked, and yes, I stayed awake the rest of the night!
We were a bit put out with Josh toward the end of that show, as it's pretty much his fault that we got a visit from Jeffie to ruin our holiday. To make matters worse, Jeffie continued a relatively new Metallic Onslaught tradition by performing the Pantsless Santa dance. This actually led to a disturbing segment of the show that not only saw me getting a lap dance from Jeffie, as well as getting violated by Eric...and a power vac. Then Eric violated Gary, our resident stuffy. It was...painful...to watch...to say the least...
Poor, poor Gary...
Playlist
King Diamond - No Presents For Christmas
Fight - Christmas Ride
Venom - Black Xmas
Anacrusis - Twisted Cross
Morbid Angel - Maze Of Torment
Seducer - No Contract
Heathen - Mercy Is No Virtue
Marduk - Sex With Satan (Piledriver cover)
December 12, 2014 - Fun with Super Glue
Recap by The Metal Wulf;
On our most recent show, we discussed last Saturday nights' Metallic Onslaught Fest, which was a blast, with some awesome performances from some incredible local bands. Had a pretty good turnout, with some really good energy! Lookin' forward to working with the Montage crew again in the future!
Of course, the guys just couldn't let me get away without a good deal of ribbing regarding the prior week's wine-tasting debacle. Is it unusual to still be hungover after a week? I mean, really?
I also somehow ended up getting super-glued to my chair as the night went on. Not only was I glued to the chair, but my feet were also glued to the floor. I'm not completely sure how this occurred, I must have dozed off for a bit, and of course if one of the other guys is actually responsible, they'll NEVER admit to it. In fact, Azkath took advantage of my compromised mobility by kicking me repeatedly in the...well, you know...all the while asking me why I wasn't blocking his kicks...
Of course, things got really bad when I dozed off again and awoke to find my hands glued to my head. Bit confusing, really, because I also think I realized that my hands really weren't glued to my head, and I should have just been able to remove my hands from my head. Crazy as it sounds, though, it wasn't that easy a task, and as the evening wore down...I ended up pulling my scalp directly off of my skull.
Have you ever actually FELT your own skull? Yeah, it's pretty friggin' creepy...
If that wasn't bad enough, to make matters worse, the guys left me that way as they departed the premises. With WHAM's "Last Christmas" closing out that particular show...I blocked the horrendous holiday music out the best as I could, knowing I'd have to somehow untie my boots, not an easy task as chunks of my head were stuck to the palms of my hand...and my fingers...Ya know those tales of animals who chew their own legs off to get out of traps? Well, I had to gnaw chunks of my own forehead from my fingers in order to untie my boots. And if that's not metal, I don't know what the fuck is...
Of course, in the meantime, I just handled the whole situation like I handled it the last time somebody glued me to a chair...almost a year ago, in fact. As some may recall, I simple went home and changed my skin. No biggie, easiest thing in the world. Frankly, I'm amazed that more people can't seem to do it.
Playlist
Pantera - Cowboys From Hell
Pantera - Mouth For War
Pantera - I'm Broken
Pantera - Becoming
Pantera - Drag The Waters
Fight - Christmas Ride
Obduktion - Demonic Methods
AC/DC - Dogs Of War
December 5, 2014 - Wine Tasting
Recap by The Metal Wulf (Randy)...
I was a little worried as the show started, because Joe was claiming to be Batman right out of the starting gate. Coming just a handful of weeks after he claimed to be King Diamond, I'd say I had a bit of room to be worried. And to top it off, Josh claimed to be "The Doctor". Josh is, of course, a huge fan of Doctor Who, so go figure...
Any worries were set aside pretty quickly, however, as Joe seemed to be merely joking around. Still, ya can't be too sure...
We dabbled in a bit of wine tasting that night, which proved to be interesting, especially in light of the fact that Josh doesn't drink, AT ALL, and Rick quit drinking a little over a year ago. This left Joe and I to sample the multitude of varieties that were at our disposal.
It didn't help, as the night went on, that I had offered to drink Rick's share for him. As a matter of fact, in retrospect, that was a very, very bad idea. What also didn't help was Josh contributing to the problem by handing me full bottles of wine instead of a small sampling from each bottle.
Truth of the matter is, I'm really not a drinker. Hell, even in my younger "wild" days I was never a huge drinker. Don't get me wrong, I could tie one on with the best of them if the mood struck me, but it was never honestly that big of a deal. With that being said, I really do love a nice glass of wine on occasion, with a particular fondness for Red Cat. And, thanks to Josh, I started pounding the Red Cat down bottle by bottle as the night went on.The repercussions were...unpleasant...and I should take a moment to apologize to Azkath for puking on the floor...
Speaking of Azkath, he seems unusually interested in my job. I mean, it is what it is, I've been stuck in retail Hell for quite some time. But, even with all the weird changes, Ames is still a pretty decent place to work. Still, I can't seem to shake the feeling that Ames is no longer around...but that can't be true, 'cuz I've been steadily working there for...well...hmmmmm...
Hurts the ol' brain, just thinking about it. Screw this...
Playlist
Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide
Gutted Alive - Cadaver Haver
Ire Clad - Sinnerstone
Blue Snaggletooth - Gawkers
Carcass - A Wraith In The Apparatus
The Skull - Send Judas Down
Lord Dying - A Wound Outside Of Time
Canedy - Cult Of The Poisoned Mind
January 17, 1992
The second oldest show that still exists. Only about 90 minutes worth, decent sound quality, mostly music.
Playlist
Pungeant Stench "Happy Re-Birthday"
Suffocation "Mass Obliteration"
EvilDead "The Underworld"
Drop Hammer "Pull the Rug Out"
Meshuggah "Cadaverous Mastication"
Metallica "Killing Time"
Armed Forces "Hard as Nails"
The Mighty Mighty Boss Tones "Sweet Emotion"
Sodom "Sodomy and Lust / Stalinorgel"
Exodus "Verbal Razors"
King Diamond "Halloween"
Venom "In League with Satan"
D.A.M. "My Twisted Mind"
C.O.C. "Damned for All Time"
Holy Moses "Two Sides Terror"
Death "Suicide Machine"
Gorguts "Innoculated Life"
Immolation "Those Left Behind"
Carcass "Corporal Jigsore Quandary"
November 28, 2014 - Reverend Horace
Recap by The Metal Wulf aka Randy...
This was one of those nights where I just flat-out had no idea what was going on.
For one thing, I was bleeding like a stuck pig from a big gash directly in the middle of my forehead. Don't ask me WHY I was bleeding, because I have no earthly idea.
I know one thing, though, I can't say I was overly thrilled when Jeffie decided to play a game of "My Crotch, Your Gash"...
And the guys may as well have been talking in a foreign language for all the sense they were making. I just don't get it, I honestly think some of them are losing their minds, especially Azkath.
I mean, first of all, he seemed to think that I had worked Black Friday at Ames, but that store has been closed for going on twenty years! And, honestly, I didn't work Black Friday at all. It was actually quite relaxing this year, as my brother and I didn't do our traditional trip to the mall of our choice to observe the insanity.
On top of that, Jeffie was using a taser on me...yeah, you read that right, a FREAKIN' TASER!!!! Apparently he was trying to shock me back to reality, because I had supposedly been claiming to be an evangelical minister by the name of Reverend Horace.
Reverend HORACE? They've gotta be busting my balls, right?
C'mon, I don't buy into that Hellfire and Brimstone b.s., never have! I mean, to each their own, but I've been pretty comfortable in my existence as a pagan-leaning agnostic over the past several years.
And on top of all of that, they even said I'd referred to Gary (our resident stuffy) as a demon from Hell! C'mon, Gary may be cute as hell, but FROM Hell? I think not...
I don't know, it's starting to look like I may be the only sane person left on the show, as scary as that may sound to some!
But, hey, at least Joe has gone two weeks without thinking he's King Diamond!
Playlist
Megadeth - Good Mourning/Black Friday
Order Of The Dead - Sucking The Marrow
Ire Clad - Death In Disguise
Gutted Alive - Endless Amounts Of Corpses
Downfall Of Gaia - Whispers Of Aeon
Skalmold - Med jotnum
The Skull - Till The Sun Turns Black
Riot - Bring The Hammer Down
Blue Snaggletooth - Nameless Cults
Combat - Devastation
Evil Spirit - Let The Dragon Be My Guide
Rise Of The Northstar - Dressed All In Black
Canedy - Ride Free Or Die