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January 23, 2015 - Randy eats Randy...

Recap by Randy the Metalwulf...

Gotta say, this night was possibly one of the most bizarre evenings in recent Metallic Onslaught history. Really, I'm a little uncertain as to where to start...
Well, to begin with, there was absolutely no sign of Joe or Jeffie. Not that we really missed Jeffie, mind you, but considering how the previous show ended we couldn't help but wonder just what the hell the two of them were up to...or where in the world they had ended up. I mean, honestly, NOBODY expected that chair to do anything but what chairs are meant for, know what I mean?
Azkath had mentioned that the chair had been designed by Last Exit For The Lost co-host EVD (Evil Villainous Dude), and Josh proceeded to remark that EVD was a genius. Azkath then clarified further that EVD was more like a mad scientist...
Anyhow, that show ended with Joe firing that chair up and taking off for God knows where, with Jeffie barely latching onto it before takeoff. Honestly, I don't even know if we'll see them again! Although, I will say that it was somewhat of a relief to know that, wherever they were, Joe was able to get the week's newest music selections to Azkath in a timely manner.
So, at least we know he was still in one piece to be able to do that!
Azkath shared some audio from The Last Exit For The Lost, taken from a segment from my birthday show. We hadn't done a balloon room in awhile, so I spent a good portion of that evenng blowing up balloons to fill up one of the sound booths in the new WVBR studios. Thankfully, I did get some help from Justjoe, Arydaea, and Olivia, vocalist for Undead Messengers. Much appreciated, actually, 'cuz it's a bit strenuous blowing up dozens upon dozens of balloons. Good thing I'd quit smoking, otherwise I probably would have passed out in a dead faint before the real fun began...
Anyhow, we'd been taking turns going into the balloon-filled booth, with Azkath monitoring us from the main studio. Olivia and her main squeeze, Tim (drummer for Undead Messengers) were ranting about something lurking in the room with them, mentioning something about "Santa". Weirder than you'd expect to be honest, considering Christmas has been pretty much done and over for a month now. I mean, what the hell would Santa be doing hanging out in a balloon-filled booth?
So, when my turn came, I played along, not believing for a moment that there was really anything in there with me.
How wrong I was...
Imagine my surprise when balloons started billowing up from the floor, revealing Justjoe who had been hiding on the floor beneath them. Scared the bejesus outta me, no lie. There was genuine concern that I was perhaps going to have a heart attack, but it was all good. No worries!
What I really wasn't prepared for was what came next. Azkath started playing music that triggered Justjoe's transformation to Porno Joe.
Have you ever had a lapdance...from a guy...in a room filled with balloons? Well, I have! Yep, chalk that one up to life's more bizarre and highly disturbing experiences...
That's okay, though, because there's a fun little side story to all of this. Fact is, my parents had given me a bit of cash for my birthday, which I used to order a Meaty Calzone from Mark's Pizzeria. Now, it's been suggested that I may be a bit lactose intolerant, although I really haven't had that confirmed. I will say this, though: By the time it was time to start the balloon room festivities, I had been resisting the urge to fart for the better part of an hour. I've been taking great pains to not just let them rip in a room fulll of people, so by the time I got into that booth, I was more than ready to let loose some of that pent-up pressure in my bowels. Hey, who was in there to smell it but me, right?
Of course, I had no clue that Justjoe was in there. Good thing for him warm air rises, and he probably couldn't smell a lot by the time he stood up and scared the crap outta me. However, it was confirmed that he heard ALL of it!
I don't know, I think that could almost be chalked up to pre-emptive Karma...if that even makes sense...
There was another birthday surprise that I was supposed to receive that night, courtesy of Tim from Undead Messengers. Azkath forgot to give it to me that night, though,  so he passed it my way during our most recent show.  
And, I must say, it was VERY tasty jerky!
However, there was a very disturbing story about where that jerky had come from...
Folks may remember that I'd gone to Ithaca just before Christmas to emcee The Last Exit For The Lost's Holiday Apocalypse show at The Haunt. Following that show, a bunch of us went back to WVBR for that night's broadcast of The Last Exit, which was their semi-annual We Love Satan show. Anyway, I'd ended up duct-taped to my chair, and Azkath proceeded to summon Satan to possess me. It all went blurry after that, of course. I don't remember a thing, in fact. Anyway, Satan was summoned, and apparently he was pretty pissed to find himself possessing a body that was restrained by yards of duct tape. From there, the Last Exit crew proceeded to tickle Satan, which caused his...I mean, caused MY...head to explode. This was the event that led me to being cloned for a second time.
Now, Tim Binder was supposed to have disposed of my remains, but that wasn't quite the way it played out. What ended up happening was that Tim from Undead Messengers ended up eating a bit of my Satan-possessed flesh before being killed off in some horrific manner in his own right.
However, apparently Tim was able to survive, and now the jury seems to be out as to whether he's a demon...or a zombie...maybe a dombie? Or perhaps a zemon?
Really, who knows, things just get sillier and sillier as time goes on...
So, getting back to the most recent show, Tim had sent some jerky along, and I ate it...not knowing it had been made from my remains following the exploding of my head.
Yeah, turns out I'd been cannibalizing myself, in a manner of speaking. And, thanks to the fact that the jerky had been made from my Satan-possessed flesh, there were repercussions.
That's okay, though, because the world actually looks quite stunning rimmed in multi-colored bursts of hellfire! The real pain in the ass was coping with the enormous horns that started growing from my chest, but even that was short-lived, and now there have been further repercussions...but we'll discuss that on the next show... 

Playlist

Sylosis - To Build A Tomb
Morbid Evils - South Of Hell
Lord Dying - Suckling At The Teat Of A She-Beast

Adrenaline Mob - Black Sabbath Medley
Misery Kills - Poltroon
The German Panzer - Hail And Kill
Pound Of Flesh - Army Of Me
The Last Ten Seconds Of Life - Sacrifice (The Prince)

Undivided - Before I Die
The Agonist - Follow The Crossed Line
Marilyn Manson - Cupid Carries A Gun
Bloodbath - Total Death Exhumed
Dead City Ruins - Blue Bastard

Acherontas - Copper Arcana
Solefald - Future Universal Histories
Gouge - Chaos And Horror
Sodom - Sacred Warpath
London - Vicarious Lover

Bullet - Tornado
Kill Ritual - Drop Dead Gorgeous
VholdGhast - Walk With Fire
Trial - Where Man Becomes All
Orden Ogan - Sorrow Is Your Tale

The Project Hate - Behold As I Become The Great Cold Betrayer
Armageddon - Thanatron
Huetensil - King

Bathory - For All Those Who Died
Slayer - Chemical Warfare
Heathen - Mercy Is No Virtue
Therion - Thor The Powerhead (Manowar Cover)
Znowhite - Thunderdome

Falloch - For Life
Creation's End - Part Of You
Furyon - Wiseman
Heaving Earth - Doomed Before Inception
Napalm Death - Hierachies

The Oxford Coma - Morphine
Night Demon - Satan
Mammoth Rider - Visigoth
Goat Semen - Genocidio
Cold Snap - Monster

Iron Lamb - Center Of The Universe
Ravenscroft - Cult Of The Damned
Marduk - Between The Wolf-Packs
Crypt Sermon - The Master's Bouquet
Lich King - Predator

Raised Fist - Ready To Defy
Shadowspawn - Sins Of The Deciever
Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide

Undead Messengers "Never Fall - Live"