It was waaaaaay too damned cold to sit in the regular studio this week, so we actually found ourselves comfortably seated in Azkath's living room for this broadcast. Funny thing, too, because there was actually no sign of Azkath anywhere for the entire evening. Must have been occupied with other things, I guess.
What we DID end up with was another visitation from Jeffie, who seemed to have an unusual fascination with fisting tuna. And, yeah, I know that's a difficult image to scrub from the brain, you have my apologies...
Speaking of things that can't be unseen, I may as well put this out there officially, 'cuz I can't remember if I'd brought this up yet. The subject of No Pants Day came up, specifically the Brony incident, or what I like to sometimes think of as the Night Of The Magical Rainbow Nipples. Now, it wasn't very long ago that Seriah Azkath posted a certain video to my Facebook page, suggesting that it was time for me to "raise the bar". His words, not mine.
So, with all that being said, I am going to give fair warning that this year, on No Pants Day, I plan on doing just that. The bar will be raised, this plan has actually been in the works since No Pants Day of last year. Allow me to apologize, PROFUSELY, in advance.
And no, I'm not going to get naked, although that would pretty much be the ultimate No Pants Day scenario. Still...never say never, right?
At some point in the evening Jeffie thought it would be amusing to cut my heart out with a pair of scissors. I forget why this seemed so entertaining, but it doesn't matter, I guess. Good thing I'm actually a clone, otherwise I wouldn't be typing this. Funny, Jeffie had even mentioned that one of the "perks" of being a clone is that all parts are optional. As a matter of fact, he cited an incident where they'd dismembered him and had a scavenger hunt to find all of his parts and put him back together. Totally fucking sorry I missed out on that, too! Sounds like a BLAST!!!
Anyhoo, I discovered, upon regaining consciousness, that my heart was not only cut from my chest, but was also among the missing. Yeah, no sign of the damned thing, I still don't know where it is, for certain. Although I do have more than a couple of suspicions...more on that in a bit, though...
The latter part of the evening saw Joe make a bizarre discovery about the chair he was sitting in. It had...control knobs and other assorted...thingies...and such. He was pretty excited, I've gotta say. Even asked how many speeds that thing had.
Honestly, I don't even know what that thing runs on. I sincerely thought Joe was joking when he said he was going to take that chair for a spin. I mean, I'm pretty sure we ALL thought he was joking, but then he was gone! Tore outta the place like it was nothing, leaving a gaping hole in Azkath's wall, which let all that cold air into Azkath's living room, where we had all been sitting comfortably, until that moment.
Jeffie had attempted to latch on for the ride, but apparently lost his grip and stumbled blindly in the dark until he ran, head-first, into some livestock in the pasture across the road. The jackass ended up getting his head stuck up the ass...of a REAL jackass...
Karma's a crazy fuckin' thing, ain't it?
Anyhow, after Joe filled us in on that little adventure, he promptly told us that he was going to take another ride. Jeffie was able to jump into his lap just seconds before Joe zoomed off again. We've had no further contact from either of them. So, if you see a couple of goofs attempting to break the sound barrier in a recliner, just back up and slowly walk away...and be thankful they're not trying to warp into hyperspace.
And, yeah, I'm pretty sure they've got my heart with them, wherever they may be...
Gouge - I Smell Of Rotten Death Falloch - I Shall Build Mountains
Armageddon - Fugitive Dust Death Rattle - Doomsday By The Graveyard Tree - Murder Haus Napalm Death - Stunt Your Growth Orden Ogan - In Grief And Chains
This was one of those nights where I just flat-out had no idea what was going on.
For one thing, I was bleeding like a stuck pig from a big gash directly in the middle of my forehead. Don't ask me WHY I was bleeding, because I have no earthly idea.
I know one thing, though, I can't say I was overly thrilled when Jeffie decided to play a game of "My Crotch, Your Gash"...
And the guys may as well have been talking in a foreign language for all the sense they were making. I just don't get it, I honestly think some of them are losing their minds, especially Azkath.
I mean, first of all, he seemed to think that I had worked Black Friday at Ames, but that store has been closed for going on twenty years! And, honestly, I didn't work Black Friday at all. It was actually quite relaxing this year, as my brother and I didn't do our traditional trip to the mall of our choice to observe the insanity.
On top of that, Jeffie was using a taser on me...yeah, you read that right, a FREAKIN' TASER!!!! Apparently he was trying to shock me back to reality, because I had supposedly been claiming to be an evangelical minister by the name of Reverend Horace.
Reverend HORACE? They've gotta be busting my balls, right?
C'mon, I don't buy into that Hellfire and Brimstone b.s., never have! I mean, to each their own, but I've been pretty comfortable in my existence as a pagan-leaning agnostic over the past several years.
And on top of all of that, they even said I'd referred to Gary (our resident stuffy) as a demon from Hell! C'mon, Gary may be cute as hell, but FROM Hell? I think not...
I don't know, it's starting to look like I may be the only sane person left on the show, as scary as that may sound to some!
But, hey, at least Joe has gone two weeks without thinking he's King Diamond!
Megadeth - Good Mourning/Black Friday Order Of The Dead - Sucking The Marrow Ire Clad - Death In Disguise
Gutted Alive - Endless Amounts Of Corpses Downfall Of Gaia - Whispers Of Aeon Skalmold - Med jotnum The Skull - Till The Sun Turns Black Riot - Bring The Hammer Down
Blue Snaggletooth - Nameless Cults Combat - Devastation Evil Spirit - Let The Dragon Be My Guide Rise Of The Northstar - Dressed All In Black Canedy - Ride Free Or Die
Not much to speak of on this particular evening. The most interesting thing, outside of the usual kick-ass music, was a little contest that Jeffie and Eric Rodriguez (Ire Clad bassist and frequent co-host on The Last Exit For The Lost).
Yep, throughout the evening Jeffie and Eric went head to head in assorted competitions such as arm wrestling, breath holding, and massage. I'm sure there were others as well, but I certainly can't remember them at the moment.
Now, to the untrained eye it may have seemed like Eric came out on top each time, but to be perfectly honest, Jeffie actually one each and every challenge. Eric may have pushed Jeffie's arm all the way to the table, but that wasn't the real goal of the challenge. In fact, the winner was the person who hit the floor the hardest.
Jeffie definitely got that win!
And although Eric may have held his breath longer, the real objective was to turn as deep a shade of purple as possible and pass out first.
Once again, the round went to Jeffie!
Can't remember the objective of the massage challenge, but I'm pretty sure the win went to the one who creeped the rest of us out the most.
Outside of that, I honestly can't remember much worth mentioning. In all honesty, my mind has probably blocked it out...or maybe Azkath's tampering with my brain did more damage than we originally thought...
Paradise Lost - Forging Sympathy Babayaga - Haggard Lord Dying - Descend Into External Newsted - Soldierhead
Annihilator - Deadlock Annihilator - Alison Hell Annihilator - Word Salad David "Rock" Feinstein - Here Comes The Night Trouble - Hunters Of Doom
Activator - Bedside Manor Fates Warning - Firefly Horseback - Broken Orb Onslaught - Children Of The Sand Gretchen Menn - Scrap Metal
The Winery Dogs - Six Feet Deeper Vista Chino - Sweet Remain Nekrogoblikon - Nothing But Crickets Tyr - Hel Hath No Fury Fleshgod Apocalypse - Warpledge Scythe - Nights Of Terror
Leaders - Walkers Argus - Four Candles Burning Born Of Osiris - The Origin DevilDriver - Back Down To The Grave Death Hawks - Blind Daughter Of Death Primitive Man - Black Smoke
Duskmachine - Bloodshed Soundgarden - Into The Void Chimaira - Spineless Watain - The Wild Hunt Temple Of Thieves - Mr. Hixx Doyle - Headhunter Spirits Of The Dead - Wheels Of The World
Metal - Fighting For Metal End Of Green - Final Resistance Terrifier - Metal Of Death Pathology - Empire O'Brother - Disillusion
Emblazoned - Bound By Eternal Penance Counterparts - Ghost Norma Jean - Sword In Mouth, Fire Eyes Dream Death - Them We Butter The Bread With Butter - Pyroman & Astronaut Leaders - Nightmares
Stryper - No More Hell To Pay Rubicon Cross - Bleed With Me Fit For An Autopsy - Still We Destroy _______________________________________________
Recap by The Metal Wulf
Don Weeks had once again joined us in the studio, fresh from his latest leg of the Yes tour. For those who may not remember, Don was a host of the show many years ago, before it was even the Metallic Onslaught, and is now a lighting technician. Always cool to have him on, as he's always got some fun stories to share.
We briefly discussed our trip to Ithaca to see The Rods perform at The Haunt. They hadn't played locally in quite some time, actually, so it was really cool to get down there and check them out once again.
And to add to the fun, we even paid a visit to The Last Exit For The Lost later in the evening, since we were in the area anyway. Bear in mind, this is only the second time in almost two and a half years that ALL of us made it down there. 'Tis a rare occurrence, to be sure. Anyhow, for those who missed out listening to the show that night, there's some video clips accessible through The Last Exit's website. You'll get to see BILL!!! receiving a birthday lapdance from Porno Joe (with me caught amidst the chaos...), and you'll get to hear me and JustJoe singing Happy Birthday...as Bill weeps.
It's pretty damned funny, to be honest...
Jeffie joined us again, much to our dismay. He was commenting on how much he misses his llamas. Now, for those who have no blooming idea of where the llamas came from...let's just say, back in the days when I was still PRETENDING to be a werewolf (you know, before Jeffie cloned my dead body and threw some wolf DNA into the mix, making me a REAL werewolf...), Jeffie had some llamas roaming the studio during a special interview segment. And I ate them...
And it wasn't just me, Arydaea Insanity was all over those fuzzy critters as well. It was a fucking BLOOD BATH. I mean, we were literally plastered in plasma. Kinda gross in retrospect, especially when you consider that I wasn't really a werewolf at that time...
But, yeah, he was missing his llamas, not that there was much we could do about it. Really didn't feel sorry for him...
The evening concluded with me dropping a huge bombshell. Truth is, this is quite likely going to have serious repercussions in the future, but I really feel I had no choice.
I mean, I thought long and hard about things over the past few months, and I've come to the conclusion that Jeffie is right. He saved me back on No Pants Day from being a Brony. My salvation came as a direct result of the beating and humiliation I suffered at the hands of Jeffie and JustJoe, and as a result, I have now accepted Jeffie as my personal Lord and Savior.
Philip H. Anselmo and The Illegals - Music Media Is My Whore
Witch Cross - Axe To Grind
Church Of Void - Son Of A Witch
Havok - It Is True
Moon Curse - Medicinecoma
A Sound Of Thunder - Hello Nurse
Sirenia - Cold Caress
Lord Dying - Descend Into External
Tank - Conflict Primeval
They Might Be Zombies - Headshot
Speedtrap - Battle Cry
UnSaid Fate - Our Addiction
Powerwolf - Nightcrawler
Mercia - Misery Dispenser
Goatess - Tentacles Of Zen
Deep Purple - Perfect Strangers
Tear Out The Heart - Only Posers Die
Terror - Live By The Code
Spirts Of The Dead - Song Of Many Reefs
Butcher Babies - In Denial
Queensryche - Vindication
Max Pie - Earth's Rules
Judas Priestess - You Got Another Thing Coming
As They Burn - When Everything Falls Apart
The Burial - Wretched Reckless Forms
Scorpion Child - Antioch
Brutus - Mystery Machine
Colossus - Superficial Savior
Venom - Leave Me In Hell
Huntress - Spectra Spectral
Orphaned Land - The Simple Man
Into The Flood - Sacrificing The Worm
Venomous Maximus - The River
Kalmah - windlake Tale
Trouble - When The Sky Comes Down
Gorguts - Oceans Of Wisdom
Witch Cross - Demon In The Mirror
Stone Magnum - Lonely God
Psychopath - A Myth For The Ages
Ramming Speed - Under The Monolith
Pasadena Napalm Division - All Of A Sudden Dead
Satan - Time To Die
Recap by The Metal Wulf
It was just Joe and I in the early going of the show, as Rick and Josh had gone to check out the Mercia CD release party at Water Street Music Hall, meaning they'd be joining us later in the evening.
An early discussion centered on the return of Judas Priestess to Seneca Falls, where they were to perform for their second year straight at the Women's Right To Rock Festival. Naturally, we were all pretty pumped up for the return of these ladies, especially considering that they were bringing along a new guitar player.
We were also intrigued by the fact that Judas Priestess would be followed up by a burlesque act to close out the evening.
Joe seemed a little worried that perhaps I wouldn't be able to restrain myself during the burlesque portion of the evening, and he didn't seem at all convinced when I told him I had better self control than that.
As a matter of fact, he had this image in his head of me running up to the stage in my mankini, and ultimately ending the evening by getting arrested.
Then he went on to mention how cool it would be for that to happen, and that I'd be able to give them an interview from my jail cell. He also mentioned something about me becoming a human Oreo, but I honestly don't want to think about that...
Anyhoo, I'm happy to say that none of that happened. We had a good time, got our second interview with the ladies, and hung out chatting with them for a bit afterward.
It was also very cool to have Dream Theater's John Petrucci in Seneca Falls, as well, as he was on hand to support his wife, Rena, who just so happens go be the previously mentioned new guitar player in Judas Priestess.
Azkath dropped in briefly. Very briefly, in fact.
To be perfectly honest, he seemed to have dropped in just long enough to interrogate some of us as to our whereabouts on the night of July 6. Seems that some goof in a mask (calling himself Darksyde), broke into The Last Exit For The Lost that night and wreaked some form of havok, possibly abducting Justjoe...I can't remember, really...
Anyhoo, whatever form of mischief it was, Azkath proceeded to beat the crap out of me, to make sure that I wasn't Darksyde. I assured him (over and over again...) that I had gone to Gigantour that night, and that it wasn't me behind the raid. Fact is, Rick, Josh, Bill, and myself were all at Gigantour, so it couldn't have been any of us.
Whoever it was, I sure wouldn't want to be him...
Jeffie had dropped by once again, looking for revenge for the beatdown he'd gotten with all that styrofoam he'd brought with him the week before.
This time he brought along an implement of violence that most of us dread. Not because it's overly brutal or intimidating...it's just...very...very...
So, it was with Dickbat (literally, a Whiffle bat with a plastic penis duct-taped to it...) that Jeffie attempted to deliver retribution. Thankfully I was able to get it away from him (because it's just weird having that thing flying at any part of your body...), and proceeded to pummel him back. During the scuffle, Jeffie proceed to wrench the dick from the bat, which really didn't make the situation any less awkward, because now Jeffie was running around with a small plasic cock in his hand...
So, if that weren't bad enough, Jeffie also mentioned that he was charging me for services rendered on No Pants Day.
Yeah, he's CHARGING me for the beatdown he and JustJoe gave me, if you can believe that. He wants $50.00 for enacting that hate crime upon my person, all because he claims to have been SAVING me from my Brony-ism.
I guess I just have to wait and see what happens when I don't pay...
The Things They Carry - A Million Different Places
Satan - Personal Demons
Kalmah - Pikemaster
Scorpion Child - Liquor
Orphaned Land - Our Own Messiah
Beyond Creation - Social Disability
Amon Amarth - Father Of The Wolf
A Sound Of Thunder - Trashed
Moon Curse - Brontis
Extol - Ministers
Brutus - Crystal Parrot
High On Fire - 10,000 Years
Continents - Regrets
Queensryche - Spore
Into The Flood - By Way Of The Snake
Venomous Maximus - Path Of Doom
Lonewolf - Raise The Flag
Snow White's Poison Bite - Count Dracula Kid!
Angel Dust - To Dust You Will Decay
Recap by The Metal Wulf
Started the evening out getting Hell from Joe. Seems that he was serious about me posing as his body double for a certain birthday party, which he ended up missing because of a banana that he ate. Guess it didn't agree with him...
Hey, what can I say? I thought he was just joking around about that whole body double thing, I swear!
Anyhoo, to placate him, I went ahead and told him my plans regarding No Pants Day 2014. I assured him that he wouldn't have to show up, I'd take his spot, and that by doing so, there was no chance of me ruining the night by running around half-naked again, because I'd actually be HIM, and not me...
He seemed very intrigued by the whole idea, so we'll see how things develop.
Jane Evile joined us in the studio to promote her upcoming gig this Friday night at Women's Right 2 Rock 2014, held in Seneca Falls, right by the canal. Jane's band, A Taste Of Evil, will go on at 10:00 p.m., closing out the first night of the three-day event.
Speaking of Women's Right 2 Rock, Judas Priestess will return on Saturday night, hitting the stage at 9:00 p.m. We're hoping to get another chance to talk with some of the ladies before the show, so keep your eyes peeled for a YouTube interview.
We also had members of both Mercia and Order Of The Dead drop by. They were promoting Mercia's CD release party at the Water Street Music Hall in Rochester this Friday night.
Seriously, between the Onslaught, Women's Right 2 Rock, and the Mercia CD release... that's plenty of things to keep you occupied on a Friday night! If you're not enjoying one, you should take in one of the others, without a doubt!
The only other notable happening of the evening happened when Jeffie returned to get revenge on me for not saving him from floating down the canal in Joe's birthday cake...
Really? Revenge? ON ME? After what he and JustJoe did to me on No Pants Day? That shithead's lucky I didn't stuff him in a crate and toss him in the canal again...
Unfortunately, what DID happen wasn't nearly as cool as that. Instead, there was a very messy beatdown with styrofoam. Lots and lots of styrofoam...hard as hell to clean up, to be honest...
So, I'm pretty sure there will be plenty of discussion on Gigantour, as more than a few of us were present when it rolled into Canandaigua this past Saturday. Honestly, it was a damned good show, and I'm looking forward to hearing what some of the rest of the guys thought!
Dio - Fever Dreams Queens of The Stone Age - I Sat By The Ocean Jorn - I Came To Rock Moon Curse - Black Elk Metallica - Trapped Under Ice Havok - Worse Than War Darkane - Collapse Of Illusions Brutus - Square Headed Dog Amon Amarth - We Shall Destroy Kalmah - Pikemaster Extol - Behold The Sun The Black Dahlia Murder - Phantom Limb Masterbation Alice In Chains - Lab Monkey Huntress - Destroy Your Life Dream Death - Bludgeon Wolf - A Dangerous Meeting Scorpion Child - Salvation Slave August Burns Red - Count It All As Lost Anger As Art - Speed Kills Satan - Time To Die Into The Flood - Sufferer Children of Bodom - Damaged Beyond Repair A Pale Horse Named Death - The Needle In You Evile - Skull Anvil - Call Of Duty The Quill - Freak Parade Spirits Of The Dead - Song Of Many Reefs Mumakil - Fresh Meat For The Grinder King Kobra - The Crunch Battlecross - Wage A War Gutted - Collector Of Souls Beyond Creation - Omnipresent Perception White Wizzard - Kings Of The Highway Queensryche - X2 Queensryche - Where Dreams Go To Die Zed - Settle The Score Megadeth - Kingmaker Demon Lung - Eyes Of Zamiel Pasadena Napalm Division - 100 Beers With A Zombie Svartcrown - Genesis Architect Colossus - Beacons Disfigured Dead - Deranged Concecration Yellowtooth - '75 Black Pontiac Venomous Maximus - Father Time Venomous Maximus - Dream Again Revelation's Hammer - Buried As Filth Kalmah - Windlake Tale The Black Dahlia Murder - Control
Havok - Living Nightmare
Recap by The Metal Wulf
Birthdays are a sure guarantee of carnage and chaos on the Onslaught, with our long-suffering host Joe Wyatt being the most recent celebrant.
Joe had mentioned the previous week that he'd like a visit from Sloth for his birthday, and Sloth didn't disappoint. Of course, in addition to Sloth, Seriah Azkath, Arydaea Insanity, and JustJoe (from The Last Exit For The Lost) had also joined us for the evening.
As a matter of fact, according to Azkath, Arydaea was supposed to emerge from a cake. Joe was unconvinced, however, insisting that the cake probably had Jeffie in it. Azkath countered with assurances that the cake was too small to have Jeffie in it...but in the end, that's exactly who was in it...
Odd, I would have sworn Jeffie NEVER would have fit inside that thing...yet, he did...sort of...
Truth is, he almost made it out of the cake before he got stuck...and I mean FIRMLY stuck. There was absolutely NO getting him out without a lot of effort on our part.
Which, in the long run, really felt like way too much trouble and energy to expend on his stupid ass, so we just relocated him to another room and let him fend for himself. Truth is, last time I saw him, he'd somehow repositioned himself in the cake so that only his feet were sticking out. I think he may have been trying to eat his way free.
He's fine, though, no worries! I'm almost positive he'll be back without needing to clone him again...
Thanks to Bill throwing me under the bus, word got back to Azkath that I had once again snuck in a cigarette. This led to an attack with the Pooh stick. That didn't sit well with me, because anybody who saw the last video segment to feature the Pooh stick knows where the thing had ended up. Yep, that same Pooh stick that Sloth violated himself with months ago on The Last Exit ended up getting shoved in my face, in and around my nose and mouth area, among other places that I'd rather not discuss.
Yeah, it was pretty bad...
Further birthday shenanigans included a mouse trap toss. Literally, taking loaded mouse traps and tossing them at Sloth's tush. This eventually led to covering a portion of the floor in loaded mouse traps and tossing Sloth into them.
Alice In Chains - Breath On A window U.D.O. - Never Cross My Way Doctor Butcher - Season Of The Witch Zed - Killing Machine
Megadeth - Kingmaker Queensryche - Where Dreams Go To Die Black Star Riders - Kingdom Of The Lost Feed Her To The Sharks - Buried Alive
Spater - Here & Gone Spirits Of The Dead - Red Death Havok - Give Me Liberty... Or Give Me Death Witch Cross - Axe To Grind The Black Dahlia Murder - Raped In Hatred By Vines Of Thorn
Spater - Pummeled Corrosion Of Conformity - Tell Me Disfigured Dead - Cauterized Kylesa - Long Gone Thinning The Herd - Sludge Horseface - Drown (The Siren Song) Tormented - Funeral Fire
Alice In Chains - Stone A Pale Horse Named Death - Devil Came With A Smile Howl - Your Hell Begins Dio - Like The Beat Of A Heart Blinded By Faith - Shrivilled wings Kings Destroy - A Time Of Hunting
HateFX - Play It By Fear Lacrimas Profundere - Head Held High Pamela Moore - Desperate By Design Tristania - Cathedral Anvil - Fire At Will Lowkey - Devastation Satan - Cenotaph Morgengrau - The White Death
Ire Clad - God Of War Queens Of The Stoneage - My God Is The Sun Demon Lung - Hex Mark The Isotopes - Odd Particle Gama Bomb - Wrecking Ball Meth Leppard - Rock N Roll Relapse
The Monolith Deathcult - s.A.D.M. My Dying Bride - Only Tears To Remember Black Cowgirl - Roadmaster Orchid - Nomad Kadaver - Doomsday Machine
The Organization - Bringer Immolation - God Complex Eviction - Struggle With Society Svartcrown - Genesis Architect ____________________________________________
Recap by the Metal Wulf
Anyhoo, we'd previously left off anticipating Finger Lakes MetalFest, which we once again got to emcee on May 18 at Donselaar's in Clyde.
I know, I've said this the past two years running, but it always bears repeating: It's an HONOR to be part of this every year, we can't possibly thank Dave and the rest of Spater enough for allowing us to intoduce the bands, and it's always a good time.
This year's line-up was one of the best in recent memory, not that any have been bad by any stretch. And I've also gotta say, overall, this year's turnout seemed to be better than other years as well, as more people are attempting to come out and hang for at least a couple of hours, if not for the whole event. That just makes me all the more excited for future editions of MetalFest, and I know I speak for the rest of the guys when I say that we can't wait to come back next year!
This night also saw the return of Jeffie, who was really pushing his luck when you think about it. I mean, only a week earlier I had sworn vengeance on both him and JustJoe for the beatdown I'd been given at the end of our No Pants Day show.
In fact, that idiot had the audacity to suggest that I actually owe him money for SAVING me! Yeah, no shit, I OWE HIM MONEY! HAH!!! Yup, good ol' Jeffie is claiming that he "saved" me from my Brony-ism, and that I now owe him money for his services. Which is a load of crap, because if anyone is owed restitution, it's me, and I plan on receiving it, in huge quantities of flowing crimson...
Truth is, his little game of "My Crotch, Your Face" is gonna turn into a round of "My Fist, Your Face". I even told him that I'd be glad to pay them both back. JustJoe will get paid back in Jeffie's blood, and Jeffie will get paid back in JustJoe's blood.
Hey, sounds fair to me! I even suggested juicing them with a wine press, just to be sure I got every little drop...