Recap by Randy: So, this week saw some surprises...not all of them good.

    Serra, Keeper Of The Nipple Nuts, was back on hand, and assured us that Nipple Nuts are not just edible, but they also regenerate. I’m still trying not to think too hard on what exactly a fucking Nipple Nut is…

    Tim had returned, and had some dude named Josh with him. Funny, I almost think we had a Josh on the show once upon a time...pretty sure he wandered into the Dog Park, though.

    And, much to our disappointment, Jeffie had returned from his voyage to Washington. Now, bear in mind, he had initially been summoned to Washington, D.C. by President Trump, and had mistakenly ended up in Washington state...on the exact opposite side of the country.
    Apparently Trump had made a request of Jeffie, since he was in the area, to investigate Bigfoot sightings. And, according to Jeffie, it seems that Bigfoot does well and truly exist. I guess it’s no coincidence that most photographic evidence of Bigfoot is blurry...it is apparently his natural state. Like, his very molecular structure is such that you can’t view him clearly.

    Jeffie also assured us that Bigfoot is amazingly well equipped, in his own words referring to ‘foot’s genitalia as “quite a piece of machinery”. He also claims that it also drags on the ground, so there’s usually a third trail that most people don’t talk about after a sighting occurs.Quite frankly, these claims just gives rise to more questions that I really don’t feel the need to know the answer to. Like, knowing some things might just drive me into a state of Lovecraftian madness. I’d like to avoid that if at all possible!

    I guess food came in the form of nuts, berries, and ‘shrooms, which just provided even more horrific mental imagery. I must say, though, we were somewhat interested to discover that Bigfoot isn’t really as out of touch with society as we may have guessed. According to Jeffie, Bigfoot is an internet user, and even speculated that the aforementioned genitalia may also work as a WiFi hot spot.
    Impressive piece of machinery, indeed!

The first show of 2019... A Little Bit Of Background…

Thanks to my tendency to forget things, I didn’t arrive to the show prepared to take part in the proposed Randy Death Match. In turn, the room was overflowing with gratitude.

In the wake of a massive snowstorm that had recently passed through, Jeffie told us how he had attempted to make a snowman and bring it to life, ala Frosty. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work. He had even tried using a wide variety of hats, but to absolutely no avail. In frustration, he set the hats on fire, thereby melting the snowman.

The unfortunate side, more than anything, was that he’d done this on the front lawn of a school, and had stolen all the hats from school children. And then paused to wonder why the police and teachers got so angry...

Josh and Tim arrived, and Jeffie had suggested an activity that I can only think of as the Jumping Frenchmen Challenge. Apparently French lumberjacks are very ticklish, and if you startle them with a tickle, they’ll do whatever you tell them...? Don’t look at me, I’m just repeating the nonsense that Jeffie was spewing out.

In the “I Should Have Just Kept My Mouth Shut” department, I’d lamented that nobody had remembered my birthday the previous week. This resulted in a series of lap dances from Jeffie, Tim, and Eric, which further resulted in about a week’s worth of mental trauma.

Better to just age gracefully AND quietly...

Jeffie spent a pretty good chunk of time throughout the show running down some of the places he’d visited during his road trip. The running theme seemed to be the best and worst places to fun around naked.

Case in point, it seems he got kicked out of Carhenge for exactly those reasons. As it turns out, he didn’t get kicked out of Yellowstone Park, but did end up doing significant damage to his unmentionables when he tried to run through a geyser like it was a lawn sprinkler. I got the strong impression that The Rockies weren’t a good place to run around naked, and he firmly claimed that there is absolutely no good time at all for that kind of behavior in Death Valley. I guess it’s too hot during the day and too cold at night.

I can’t believe we actually offered this as a solution, but perhaps we just need to establish a nice commune for Jeffie...JUST for Jeffie...where he can run around naked to his heart’s content. A bit of climate control and a reasonably nice place to sleep, toss in a bit of food for him from time to time...he’d be fine.
In more unclothed news, it was established that at some point in the future we were going to have a Randy Death Match. Specifically meaning that I would strip down to my man-kini while Jeffie and Eric (keeper of the NippleNuts) attempted to push each other into me.
The loser being whoever I successfully latched onto...

On this edition of The Metallic Onslaught we continue through some clips from the Best of CD's, as well as commenting on some of the DVD material. Jeffie also continues to read from his list of Doctor Stories...

This show was hosted by Joe and Azkath, and they talked about the history of The Metallic Onslaught, when it started, with who, etc. They also played a LOT of early clips from the show, including the earliest recording of Jeffie, the first No Pants Day, and the first time Jeffie died. Also included below are some pictures from that time period, and if you want to watch some of the video, it can be found in the early Best of DVD's, available here! 

Before I get down to the real business at hand, I’d like to mention that Joe is actually very pleased with the truck that Jeffie had given him the previous week as a birthday gift. Having ridden in it, I must say it is quite a ride! Yeah, I know, it’s amazing. Jeffie actually got something right. Just savor the moment and mark the calendar.
Anyway, on to the subject matter concerning one of the most bizarre evenings I’ve ever experienced on the Metallic Onslaught. Actually, scratch that. This was the weirdest night EVER...
We established early that something...or someone...seemed to be among the missing, although we couldn’t seem to put our finger on who this being was. Someone who referred to themselves as KnownAs...and from there we drew a blank. I mean, there seemed to be something in the back of our minds that suggested the sound of a train whistle...but nope...just could not grasp who...or what...it could be. Hell, we’d even guessed it must be Jeffie, but we really wouldn’t miss him if he were among the missing, so there was no way that it could have been him.
The black soul-sucking Void that Jeffie had created the week before was still occupying the space beyond the door that led to the back lawn. It was even more bizarre because I swore that I could hear the occasional chirping of birds from the Void, and even music. Joe and Rick insisted that they couldn’t hear anything, and that I needed to just forget about the Void, but something like that is really hard to put out of your mind.
Jeffie did eventually show up, and he could also hear the birds and the music, although he claimed that it really wasn’t music, and that we should just not aknowledge that anything was amiss. Once again...hard to do...
Jeffie actually attempted to pin the blame on me, as opposed to his dabbling with things that were outside the realm of his understanding. Yep, he said something about my gravity well being the cause of it, but we all know that his tampering with the laws of the universe are to blame. And, his solution to the problem seems to be moving the void to the other side of the universe...or moving us to the other side of the universe...one or the other...
Things started getting weirder when the Void started distorting sound in the studio. Jeffie decided he’d take one for the team, attempting to close the back door. Problem was, the door was nowhere to be seen, being concealed by the Void. As he approached the door, he said that something was moving around in the blackness...and then the idiot stepped out into the Void. It was kinda funny. We literally forgot who Jeffie was once he disappeared, but then he showed up again, much to our surprise. Something seemed very off about him, though. This Jeffie was nowhere near as animated, and spoke in a bleak, soulless monotone.
This Jeffie assured us that the Void was actually a park, and that I should come with him. He assured me that it was a nice park, with music, and that Josh (THAT’S who was missing!) was there, waiting for us. And he said that Jackyl would be performing...which, admittedly, did spark my interest. Hey, I kinda dig Jackyl, can’t help it. My mind changed quickly when he mentioned that Bon Jovi would be headlining. Honestly, Bon Jovi is one of those bands that I would chew my own leg off to escape...
He also mentioned that there was all the blood I could drink, which really didn’t do anything to motivate me. But then, he mentioned Jackyl again, and that Doro Pesch and Lita Ford were there...he really had me interested for a bit. So interested, in fact, that Joe found it necessary to tie me to my chair using bungee chord.
Joe wasn’t buying any of it, and soon demonstrated, in brutal fashion, that this Jeffie was actually a robot...or at the very least some kind of cybernetic being from beyond. Yep, Joe cut Jeffies’ hand off at the wrist, revealing circuits and wires. Pretty, hypnotically stimulating circuits and wires...
The final straw came when Jeffie offered to make me a throne of babies if I went to the park, which is probably one of the most disturbing things to be uttered in my time on this show. The idea was actually kind of maddening, I just could not wrap my mind around the idea of a throne composed entirely of babies...
Joe was so mortified at all of this that he actually physically dragged robot-cyborg Jeffie to the Void and threw him in. Joe also took a moment to shut the door that the real Jeffie had failed to close, finally shutting off access to that black, madness-inducing pit of nothingness. Granted, that pit was still there, but it was easier to ignore once the door was shut.
To our amazement, Jeffie returned again. This time he seemed like himself, but he was claiming to have been dreaming of the park, and he pretty much ended up repeating everything the robot had said. Joe was convinced that this was another robot, so he picked up a hammer and bashed the latest Jeffies’ head in. We thought Joe’s suspicions to be be confirmed when the hammer hit metal, putting a ringing in our ears, and a large hole in Jeffie’s head...a hole that revealed steel plating...
Yep, we were sure it was another robot, right up to the point where Jeffie’s “death music” started playing, which was the tell-tale sign that Joe had, indeed, killed a real Jeffie. And Azkath wasn’t too happy with it, as he’d come in to find Jeffie’s corpse lying on the floor. Apparently we’re only supposed to kill Jeffie’s outdoors. And, as it turns out, that metal plate was all part of Jeffie’s training regimen for our still-upcoming Death Match. Seems he’d been fortifying parts of his skeleton with steel.
In the end, I guess the evening wasn’t all bad. I mean, any night that ends with a genuine Jeffie death is a pretty good one!

- Recap by The Metal Wulf

So, this episode was broadcast two days after I’d had my knee procedure done, which went pretty well, I’m happy to say. Definitely noticing a difference, and I’ll be returning to the ol’ day job pretty soon.
It was also the broadcast that fell around Joe’s birthday, meaning it was the evening that Jeffie and I were to have our Three Stages Of Hell Death Match. Obviously that didn’t happen, as the knee still needs a bit of time to heal.
Of course, the rest of the crew still were in denial about the whole knee thing. Joe had actually suggested that we could settle the Death Match with a round of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Leave it to Jeffie to completely misunderstand the meaning of that, as he immediately left to acquire a rock, some paper, and a pair of scissors to torment me with. In fact, I ended up getting a facial hair trimming for my trouble, as well as a rock to my...well, my rocks...
Jeffie was pretty damned insistent that I just let him win the match by default, which is absolutely not what I wanted at all. And Rick even offered to battle Jeffie in my place, but that wasn’t part of the plan, either. I’ll be darned if I’m going to just concede and let Jeffie have an empty victory. If he wants this, he’s gonna have to earn it. All in due time, when the knee is back up to snuff.

We’d been recording outside, but were forced back indoors thanks to some unforeseen circumstances. First of all, there’d been a loud bang from somewhere inside the usual digs. Now, you’d think an explosion from the inside would not have had us relocating into our normal recording area, but Jeffie insisted that we were actually safer there than where we’d previously been. In fact, he was pretty insistent about us not even looking outdoors. Of course, curiosity got the better of me, and what I saw was downright horrifying.
You see, Jeffie had been working on something he called a Paradox Machine, and his dabblings with the fabric of time/space forced a large void of nothingness to appear directly outside the back door of our studio. There was no way to tell how much of the back yard this void consumed, but luckily it only seemed to be hovering in that area. It was also emitting, as Jeffie put it, a very colorful smell.
So, yeah, I’d taken a moment to stare into that abyss...and it was staring back!

As we continued our attempts to ignore the void in the back yard, Jeffie decided it was time to give Joe his birthday present. Bear in mind that last year Jeffie thought a refrigerator was an awesome gift idea. Not to say we didn’t find it entertaining when Joe decided to use it to pummel the living hell out of Jeffie, but come on...a refrigerator?
Imagine our surprise when Jeffie had Joe peek out the front window, where we could see a brand new pickup truck parked in the driveway, followed by our utter astonishment as Jeffie handed Joe the keys to it.
There’s GOT to be a catch...there’s ALWAYS a catch...

- Recap by The Metal Wulf...

Recap by Randy MetalWulf: And the denial continues!
Yep, nobody believes the issues with my knee are real, nobody believes I’m having surgery (less than a day away as of this writing), and everybody believes that I’m afraid to face Jeffie in that stupid death match! Oh, and apparently I’m officially the “Eeyore” of the Metallic Onslaught...
Look, the match is gonna happen! Just not now! If all goes well, we can do this long before summer is over! Joe even insisted that I was having crying jags when he came to train me, insisted that all I did was whine about being afraid of Jeffie, blah, blah, blah...hell, he even claimed to have a jar of my tears! LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!
And then Azkath comes along and says that he may not be able to clone me in between matches (this is best of three deaths, after all), although he has a huge storage facility with tons of back-up Jeffies. But, apparently it’s more difficult to clone me, and there may be difficulties doing so this time. So, I guess they’re going to have to go with necromancy to raise me from the dead, assuming Jeffie succeeds in killing me even once...
Speaking of Jeffie, he showed up to rub his supposed training regimen in my face, part of which has been lifting a towel with his...you know. Yeah, apparently he dangles weights from the towel. What he plans on doing with that thing when we have the actual match is anyone’s guess. I cringe just thinking about it...which made it worse when he confiscated my phone and took pics of the results.
Imagine a wart on a fettuccine noodle...
He also took the time to tell us about this new game he invented...pee pinball. Literally, you control the flippers with your urinary control. I’ll just leave that thought there for your brain to process, and perhaps you’ll understand why Jeffies have been routinely killed off over the years.
Joe felt the need to really get under my nerves with some stupid business regarding my thoughts on Richie Sambora not touring with Bon Jovi. I made it quite clear that I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything to do with that band, or it’s members, or the majority of their fan base, as far as that goes. As a matter of fact, I’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty to make it abundantly clear that I hate Bon Jovi almost more than any other 80’s artist. (Of them all...I hate only Britny Fox and Winger more...).
And yes, fine, it hasn’t always been that way. There was a time when I actually liked to listen to a bit of Bon Jovi. I was never a huge fan, but there was some decent music on the first two albums. It wasn’t until Slippery When Wet came out and got smeared all over the airwaves and MTV that I really began to despise them.
But, Joe insisted on getting my opinion, and I gave it...and made it necessary for Azkath to edit some bad words from the broadcast, despite making a strong effort to not curse.
I think that Bon Jovi conversation was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I got so fed up with Joe later in the evening that I made a confession. I mean, I’m all for having this death match after I’ve healed, but I admitted that I’m glad we won’t be able to do it for Joe’s birthday. After all, my victory was going to be a birthday gift for Joe, but if he’s going to be such a complete dick, I really don’t want to give him a birthday gift!
Yep, fuck that guy, I’m GLAD this has to wait!

Recap by Randy Metalwulf: We saw the return of Nathan this week, and I was pretty quick to remind him of something that happened when he last visited. As you’ll recall, Nathan concluded that show by performing sit-ups while straddling my head...
I made sure that he knew there’s some payback in the works for that, but first I’ve gotta make sure this knee has been properly tended to.
Speaking of the knee, the Denial Game continues, as these guys still think I’m attempting to ditch out on my death match with Jeffie. That is not the case at all, it’s going to happen. It just has to wait until a bit later down the line, hopefully before the summer is over.
Joe insists that I need to begin training immediately, even going so far as to suggest I lose about 240 pounds. Unfortunately, that would put me at approximately 90 pounds, a weight that even Nathan would be able to knock over just by breathing.
Then there was the suggestion that they just trim the excess off of me with a chainsaw, which is pretty obviously not an option. Also laughable was the idea that I should race Nathan, which would be ludicrous even if I didn’t have a bum knee.
Azkath was so insistent that I was okay that he decided to test my reflexes, proceeding to knock my good knee with a hammer, and then moving on to the bad knee. Pretty sure he did me no favors.
To top it all off, because Nathan is kinda like MacGyver in this respect, a lie detector test was constructed on the spot. Normally I’d say Nathan is fully capable of pulling off something like that. Seriously, this kid is an electronics whiz. But, in this instance, he was able to construct a completely malfunctional lie detector, because I got zapped every time I told the truth. Talk about your epic fails...
Speaking of fails, Joe related a story about how he’d been craving a banana split, and coming up short when his wife went to order one, only to learn that the shop was out of bananas. She was then asked if she still wanted the banana split, which was pretty pointless when it all boiled down.

Much to my chagrin, the evening once again ended with Nathan firmly planted on my head, with more sit-ups commencing from there.
He’ll get his...just give it time...