Seriah Azkath

December 19, 2014 - Eric from Ire Clad Visits...

Poor Randy

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

Eric Rodriguez, bassist for Ithaca, NY's Ire Clad, has the distinct honor of being our first guest on the show since all the changes late last summer.  Of course, some may consider that a dubious honor for us, as Eric is a...well...UNIQUE individual. I mean, only Eric would show regret over me losing my scalp and not being album to lick my skull.  I believe he even went so far as to describe it as cranialingus... 
Gotta say, the holidays had been taking a bit of a toll on me by the time this show came along. Anybody who's ever worked any type of retail job around Christmas knows what I'm talking about. Something about this kinda work that just sucks the holdiay spirit right out of you. And I'd literally only been home from work mere minutes before having to head out with the guys to do that show.
So, being dead tired with no time to recharge the batteries, I fell asleep during a talk break...until Seriah Azkath assured that I'd stay wide awake by dumping handfuls of snow down my back. Yes, it sucked, and yes, I stayed awake the rest of the night!
We were a bit put out with Josh toward the end of that show, as it's pretty much his fault that we got a visit from Jeffie to ruin our holiday. To make matters worse, Jeffie continued a relatively new Metallic Onslaught tradition by performing the Pantsless Santa dance. This actually led to a disturbing segment of the show that not only saw me getting a lap dance from Jeffie, as well as getting violated by Eric...and a power vac.  Then Eric violated Gary, our resident stuffy. It was...painful...to watch...to say the least...
Poor, poor Gary...

Playlist
King Diamond - No Presents For Christmas
Fight - Christmas Ride
Venom - Black Xmas

Anacrusis - Twisted Cross
Morbid Angel - Maze Of Torment
Seducer - No Contract
Heathen - Mercy Is No Virtue
Marduk - Sex With Satan (Piledriver cover)

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December 12, 2014 - Fun with Super Glue

Recap by The Metal Wulf;
On our most recent show, we discussed last Saturday nights' Metallic Onslaught Fest, which was a blast, with some awesome performances from some incredible local bands. Had a pretty good turnout, with some really good energy! Lookin' forward to working with the Montage crew again in the future!

Of course, the guys just couldn't let me get away without a good deal of ribbing regarding the prior week's wine-tasting debacle. Is it unusual to still be hungover after a week? I mean, really?  

I also somehow ended up getting super-glued to my chair as the night went on. Not only was I glued to the chair, but my feet were also glued to the floor. I'm not completely sure how this occurred, I must have dozed off for a bit, and of course if one of the other guys is actually responsible, they'll NEVER admit to it. In fact, Azkath took advantage of my compromised mobility by kicking me repeatedly in the...well, you know...all the while asking me why I wasn't blocking his kicks...

Of course, things got really bad when I dozed off again and awoke to find my hands glued to my head. Bit confusing, really, because I also think I realized that my hands really weren't glued to my head, and I should have just been able to remove my hands from my head. Crazy as it sounds, though, it wasn't that easy a task, and as the evening wore down...I ended up pulling my scalp directly off of my skull.

Have you ever actually FELT your own skull? Yeah, it's pretty friggin' creepy...

If that wasn't bad enough, to make matters worse, the guys left me that way as they departed the premises. With WHAM's "Last Christmas" closing out that particular show...I blocked the horrendous holiday music out the best as I could, knowing I'd have to somehow untie my boots, not an easy task as chunks of my head were stuck to the palms of my hand...and my fingers...Ya know those tales of animals who chew their own legs off to get out of traps? Well, I had to gnaw chunks of my own forehead from my fingers in order to untie my boots. And if that's not metal, I don't know what the fuck is...

Of course, in the meantime, I just handled the whole situation like I handled it the last time somebody glued me to a chair...almost a year ago, in fact. As some may recall, I simple went home and changed my skin. No biggie, easiest thing in the world. Frankly, I'm amazed that more people can't seem to do it. 

 

Playlist

Pantera - Cowboys From Hell
Pantera - Mouth For War
Pantera - I'm Broken

Pantera - Becoming
Pantera - Drag The Waters
Fight - Christmas Ride
Obduktion - Demonic Methods
AC/DC - Dogs Of War

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December 5, 2014 - Wine Tasting

Recap by The Metal Wulf (Randy)...

I was a little worried as the show started, because Joe was claiming to be Batman right out of the starting gate. Coming just a handful of weeks after he claimed to be King Diamond, I'd say I had a bit of room to be worried. And to top it off, Josh claimed to be "The Doctor". Josh is, of course, a huge fan of Doctor Who, so go figure... 
Any worries were set aside pretty quickly, however, as Joe seemed to be merely joking around. Still, ya can't be too sure...
We dabbled in a bit of wine tasting that night, which proved to be interesting, especially in light of the fact that Josh doesn't drink, AT ALL, and Rick quit drinking a little over a year ago. This left Joe and I to sample the multitude of varieties that were at our disposal. 
It didn't help, as the night went on, that I had offered to drink Rick's share for him. As a matter of fact, in retrospect, that was a very, very bad idea. What also didn't help was Josh contributing to the problem by handing me full bottles of wine instead of a small sampling from each bottle. 
Truth of the matter is, I'm really not a drinker. Hell, even in my younger "wild" days I was never a huge drinker. Don't get me wrong, I could tie one on with the best of them if the mood struck me, but it was never honestly that big of a deal. With that being said, I really do love a nice glass of wine on occasion, with a particular fondness for Red Cat. And, thanks to Josh, I started pounding the Red Cat down bottle by bottle as the night went on.The repercussions were...unpleasant...and I should take a moment to apologize to Azkath for puking on the floor...
Speaking of Azkath, he seems unusually interested in my job. I mean, it is what it is, I've been stuck in retail Hell for quite some time. But, even with all the weird changes, Ames is still a pretty decent place to work. Still, I can't seem to shake the feeling that Ames is no longer around...but that can't be true, 'cuz I've been steadily working there for...well...hmmmmm...
Hurts the ol' brain, just thinking about it. Screw this...


Playlist

Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide
Gutted Alive - Cadaver Haver
Ire Clad - Sinnerstone

Blue Snaggletooth - Gawkers
Carcass - A Wraith In The Apparatus
The Skull - Send Judas Down
Lord Dying - A Wound Outside Of Time
Canedy - Cult Of The Poisoned Mind

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November 28, 2014 - Reverend Horace

IMG 20141125 214628Recap by The Metal Wulf aka Randy...

This was one of those nights where I just flat-out had no idea what was going on.
For one thing, I was bleeding like a stuck pig from a big gash directly in the middle of my forehead. Don't ask me WHY I was bleeding, because I have no earthly idea. 
I know one thing, though, I can't say I was overly thrilled when Jeffie decided to play a game of "My Crotch, Your Gash"...
And the guys may as well have been talking in a foreign language for all the sense they were making. I just don't get it, I honestly think some of them are losing their minds, especially Azkath.
I mean, first of all, he seemed to think that I had worked Black Friday at Ames, but that store has been closed for going on twenty years! And, honestly, I didn't work Black Friday at all. It was actually quite relaxing this year, as my brother and I didn't do our traditional trip to the mall of our choice to observe the insanity.
On top of that, Jeffie was using a taser on me...yeah, you read that right, a FREAKIN' TASER!!!! Apparently he was trying to shock me back to reality, because I had supposedly been claiming to be an evangelical minister by the name of Reverend Horace.
Reverend HORACE? They've gotta be busting my balls, right?
C'mon, I don't buy into that Hellfire and Brimstone b.s., never have! I mean, to each their own, but I've been pretty comfortable in my existence as a pagan-leaning agnostic over the past several years. 
And on top of all of that, they even said I'd referred to Gary (our resident stuffy) as a demon from Hell! C'mon, Gary may be cute as hell, but FROM Hell? I think not...
I don't know, it's starting to look like I may be the only sane person left on the show, as scary as that may sound to some!
But, hey, at least Joe has gone two weeks without thinking he's King Diamond! 


Playlist

Megadeth - Good Mourning/Black Friday
Order Of The Dead - Sucking The Marrow
Ire Clad - Death In Disguise

Gutted Alive - Endless Amounts Of Corpses
Downfall Of Gaia - Whispers Of Aeon
Skalmold - Med jotnum
The Skull - Till The Sun Turns Black
Riot - Bring The Hammer Down

Blue Snaggletooth - Nameless Cults
Combat - Devastation
Evil Spirit - Let The Dragon Be My Guide
Rise Of The Northstar - Dressed All In Black
Canedy - Ride Free Or Die

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