Nathan Bobbett joined us once again this evening, and Josh declared him a hair buddy. As a matter of fact, Josh even went so far as to say he was adopting Nathan. Nice to see Josh making new friends!

Jeffie had popped in another video mix to entertain us this week, this one from a site called Whore Church. Disturbing doesn't even begin to describe some of the content, which consisted of clips from an assortment of horror and porn films, plus some other twisted things. There were moments where I was asked to describe what we were watching on the screen, and in the interest of keeping things somewhat clean for the show, I could not even begin to describe them.
Yep, it was THAT bad...

As you may recall, the previous week ended with Jeffie and I giving Joe a birthday lap dance, which resulted in a substantial amount of carnage as the show was in its' closing moments. Well, that wasn't the end of the carnage, far from it in fact. More on that in a bit, though.
Jeffie has a special song that he plays every year in celebration of Joe's birthday, and every year he claims that he's improved on it and made it more and more awesome. This has been going on for a number of years, and to be honest, the best part of the song is the second half, where we hear Jeffie being whipped into submission.
Honestly, I just cannot hear enough of that.
This year, in addition to the latest version of Joe's birthday song, Jeffie brought a special present for Joe. A LARGE present...too large to fit inside the new digs, in fact.
The gift turned out to be an old, rusted refrigerator which Joe promptly put to good use when the beatings began. In truth, Jeffie was treated to what was likely one of the worst pummelings he'd endured since we had Mean Mike and "Bad Boy" Barry Hardy on the show a few years back. Unfortunately, Nathan got caught in the middle of the chaos. Considering Nathan may weigh a total forty pounds soaking wet, we were all pretty amazed that he wasn't snapped in half like a twig before it was all over.
Sorry, Nathan, but those are the risks you're bound to take if ya wanna hang with this crowd!

We're all pretty impressed with the newest release from High On Fire, entitled "Luminiferous". As a matter of fact, it was asked if I'd ever been high on fire, myself.
My response..."I was young once..." 'Nuff said!
Of course, this whole discussion completely degenerated quickly. It was actually suggested that perhaps I should be the subject of my own Burning Man festival...with me literally being set on fire. It was also speculated on whether or not I actually tasted like bacon. This led to me discussing "long pork", which nobody else had ever heard of...with good reason, as it turned out I was using the wrong term. What I'd meant to say was "long pig", a term used to reference the meat of humans among certain cannibalistic societies.
It was also suggested that perhaps, if I were shorter and weighed more, I could perhaps be Boss Hogg for Halloween this year. Quiite frankly, aside from drooling over Catherine Bach's legs, I hated the Dukes Of Hazzard...and besides, I have something else in mind for Halloween this year.
I guess you could say everything came full circle when Jeffie actually started licking the top of my head to see if I did, indeed, taste like bacon. Unfortunately for him, the day had been a bit on the humid side, so if I tasted like anything, it was sweaty human...

Things got really strange as the evening went on. Jeffie had put in a mix DVD for us to watch, and we were subjected to a random selection of crazy Japanese television content. We're talking a bit of sketch comedy, game shows, commercials...just loads and loads of odd shit that I would honestly rather have erased permanently from my brain. Of course, I'm sure they'd say the same about some of the stuff we watch, so who am I to judge?
It's a whacky world, what can I say?
Now, it had been well established that we were watching a DVD, but Joe claimed that there was absolutely nothing on the television at all, and I was just describing the random things that pop up naturally in my head. Even Josh agreed with Joe, until he pointed out some things that were taking place on the screen. This seemed to please Jeffie, who claimed that it was "spreading"...
Joe started getting really frustrated with me throughout all of this. Frustrated enough that he started dumping garbage bags full of foam rubber on top of my head. What that was supposed to accomplish, I have no earthly idea. It certainly wasn't a game changer. From there he took a ratchet and tried opening my head up to remove the part of my brain that was processing all of the insanity we were watching. Jeffie had actually mentioned something about my "belly brain", whatever the hell that was all about.
As a matter of fact, things went to completely different levels of weirdness when not only a "TV Chip" was mentioned, but also a "Tracker Chip". As it turned out, the TV Chip was located in my belly, beneath the...thing...that is growing inside of me.
So, as for the TV Chip, my head ended up getting pulled backward so Joe could reach in through my neck to find it, effectively turning me into a human Pez Dispenser until I healed.
This didn't help, to be honest, because I could still see everything that was on that television, which by now had moved on to a mix of scenes from some extreme horror flicks. If you've ever seen "Cannibal Holocaust" or "The Gates Of Hell", you know what I'm talking about.
As for the Tracker Chip...it seems that this is to help them find me after the Bigfeets abduct me. I'm personally not worried about this, because as I've stated before, there is NO SUCH THING as Bigfeets...
Josh surprised us with an aggressive display of martial arts insanity. Normally Josh doesn't lay a hand on anybody when he's demonstrating his mastery of Air Fu, but he got his hands on some of that foam and started beating the shit out of us. Literally, he was making actual physical contact with his blows! This had never happened before, in all the time he's been on the show! It was really somewhat impressive, so I guess we can now call him a master of Foam Fu.

The evening came to a close shortly after Jeffie reminded us that Joe's birthday was soon approaching. Things degenerated into pure chaos shortly after Jeffie started giving Joe a birthday lap dance, with me joining in when I noticed that Joe seemed to be enjoying himself.
From there, it became Joe's Birthday Massacre Show, with the evening ending in complete carnage.

Jeffie made what I suppose was meant to be an ominous announcement early on in the evening, stating, "The Bigfeets are active."
There are NO Bigfeets...so I'm not worried...end of story.

We were also being attacked throughout the evening by what we first thought to be Mothra...but actually turned out to be a very large, annoying cicada...

We had a special guest with us this evening, as Nathan Bobbett joined us.
Nathan is one of Azkath's newest co-hosts on The Last Exit For The Lost. Nathan is a Brony...and also, weird as this may sound...the father of my...well, Mandy's...yeah, you get the picture...
Yes, Nathan was the unfortunate victim of Mandy's out of control hormones on No Pants Day and he is technically the baby daddy of this...thing...growing inside of me...and I really don't want to discuss this overly much. It's insane to think about, especially when Jeffie throws out little tidbits like, "How are you going to deliver the baby?", and "Are you going to have to turn back into Mandy when it's time to have the baby?"
Neither of those questions, of course, have any real answer...at least none that I care to speculate about. All I know is this kid is growin' unbelievably fast, and I have no clue as to how we're going to get it out. As a matter of fact, I think something may have been mentioned about a "Chainsaw C-Section"...which just makes me wanna find a cave to hide in for the next couple months...
Interesting side note: When Joe found out Nathan's last name was Bobbett, hilarity ensued as the "Lorena" jokes started spewing forth. Now, Nathan assured us that the spelling is different, but Joe's not buying it for a second.

We kicked the show off with a few classic tracks from the legendary Ronnie James Dio. Hard to believe that five years have already passed since his death, but what's not so hard to believe is the musical legacy he left behind. He'll never be forgotten!

Sadly, Joe and I weren't able to share our memories of that Septic Flesh/Moonspell show in Rochester, as our interview didn't pan out. Instead, he and I went out to Donselaar's for the first night of Finger Lakes Metal Fest. Honestly, probably the right choice, considering the awesome performances we were able to check out that night!

Yep, Finger Lakes Metal Fest 2015 has come and gone, and what a great time it was! I mean, there were certainly no doubts, because Metal Fest is always a blast, but I will now go on record to say that the 10th anniversary was among the best of them!

Randy (or RJ as he likes to be called) from Thirteen South even came out to share some of his memories of the day. As a matter of fact, we dubbed him Mr. Metal Fest, due mostly for his involvement not only with his band, but also because he joined Blood Snot on stage to provide vocal support. For the record, Blood Snot doesn't actually have a regular vocalist, and RJ was improvising lyrics off the top of his head. Pretty fucking impressive, when ya think about it... He also paid a visit to the stage during Ire Clad's set to provide some backing vocals to "Force It Down", which is always a blast to watch! So, yes, many fond memories of Finger Lakes Metal Fest 2015 were shared, and we all agree that we're looking forward to seeing it continue another ten years and beyond!

That was the happy portion of the show...

Unfortunately, things took a turn for the worse when I was once again thrown under the bus for smoking. Now, I've actually been pretty good about keeping the habit under control, but as I've said before, I tend to crave tobacco strongly when I'm in social settings. Don't know why this is, really, but in the interest of not being a mooch, I will usually purchase a pack to float me by, especially when I know there are a number of shows coming up in a short period. And, I get the fact that the guys are really just looking out for my well-being, I really do! But, come on... I mean, I've heard of tough love, but these guys take it to a whole new level, as was already proven when Joe clotheslined me through a table last November. (Yes, the video is on our website...) This time was perhaps a bit less brutal... or not... hard to say. It certainly wasn't pleasant. First off, Azkath bloodied me up with a rusty chain, and I would have said that was punishment aplenty... but, these guys LOVE to go to extremes, so in the interest of "cleaning the wound", he liberally poured peroxide into the wound... and followed it up with rubbing alcohol... and, because that must not have seemed like it was good enough, he poured on some lighter fluid next. He then struck a match, and turned me into Ghost Rider for about 30 seconds...

I hate to sound like a broken record, but I sure am glad that clones heal quickly.

- Randy Metalwulf