Did a little outdoor recording this week, which went much better than the LAST time we tried it, as that particular instance ended with us hightailing it indoors when a massive thunderstorm passed through, threatening to blow us all to Oz... Recording outside has many perks, I must say. So much more room for carnage, as Jeffie discovered as he was continually pummelled by Joe and chased throughout the small grove of trees that is currently growing behind our new digs. The goof kept getting lost in there, too, not to mention got stuck in one of the trees. And they're not even that tall yet! He is such a dink...
Speaking of Jeffie, I actually proposed a theory as to his current weight issues. I mean, to look at him, he doesn't appear to be getting any larger. Honestly, I just think he's getting more dense. Granted, he was already pretty dense to begin with, but this could explain so much! I could be onto something here! Honestly, the guy does have his uses. Seriously, he gives a damned good back rub, good enough that I think we really need to start renting him out as a masseuse...as long as there are no Happy Endings involved, though. That would just be wrong. It was a little odd, though, when Josh started meowing like a cat when Jeffie started rubbing his back. We actually came to the conclusion that going to see The Eagles last week turned him into a pussy. And, yeah, he insists he was at Deep Purple, but we're still kinda skeptical. That whole flip phone thing and all...

Early on in the evening Jeffie had slipped me a pill when I wasn't suspecting it. At first, I thought that he had roofied me, in the interest of passing me back off to the Bigfeets. As it turned out, this was not the case at all. He had actually given me a new experimental drug that he'd been working on. He warned me that it may cause me to lose water weight, and he certainly was not wrong about that. What I DIDN'T know was that it was going to make urination an orgasmic experience for me. Literally...pissing was just as pleasurable as cumming...which made things very, very awkard as the evening continued. Once the pill started taking effect, Jeffie started proposing that Joe should sell the pill at his sex shop (for those who aren't aware, Joe works at our local porn palace...), purely convinced that there could be a potential market for such a thing. And, knowing some of the weirdos that live in our area...he may not be too far off the mark. Anyhow, after the third time urinating in the space of a couple hours, I honestly didn't think I could take anymore. There's only so much a guy can handle, and I'm not getting any younger. I actually mentioned to Jeffie that I was turning into a walking Fappucino Fountain...and amazingly he didn't jump on THAT as a marketable idea...probably for the best, I should add...

Toward the end of the evening he shoved another pill down my throat, and this time I was convinced that he had, indeed, roofied me for the Bigfeets. But, no, he actually explained that THIS was the pill that failed. Failed in the sense that it caused urination to be EXTREMELY painful. As a matter of fact, he described the sensation as somewhat like pissing spikes...from personal experience, I have to say it was more like pissing saw blades... That, of course, was the final straw for me. We'd been beating on him with a plastic lawn chair throughout the evening. It was already broken from when he'd sat in it a couple weeks prior, and there really wasn't much left to it, maybe about half a chair. I proceeded to swing the remnants of that chair at his head, connecting squarely and shattering it...along with Jeffie's skull! I also gouged the hell out of my thumb, which proceeded to bleed like a stuck pig... So, it may have hurt to piss, but we ended the show on a happy note with yet another Jeffie Death!

Don't worry, folks, Azkath will make more. He always does...

- MetalWulf

The show started with Joe, Rick, and Jeffie. Josh had gone to see Deep Purple, although Jeffie would have you think he was actually checking out The Eagles. Knowing Josh is a huge fan of Deep Purple, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt in this case. Joe was actually lamenting the fact that I was among the missing, which prompted Jeffie to activate the tracking chip he'd put inside me. He had also texted the Bigfeets...presumably to make sure that I was still actually alive. As it turned out, the Bigfeets had let me go a day earlier because apparently the smell was bothering them... Anyhow, it didn't take long for Jeffie to find me wandering about, dazed and confused, as well as scared shitless. But, on the other hand, I was wearing a fresh pair of clothes, so I guess I should be thankful for THAT much, at least... I didn't remember much, just being horribly afraid and deeply disturbed. I had good reason, as it turned out, as the Bigfeets had been sending Jeffie photo udates of my progress following the...ummmm...birth... So, yeah...about that...

I've seen some moderately recent pics...it's...bizarre...to say the least...so ugly it's somewhat cute...imagine a centaur unicorn colt...with encephalitis. Honestly, that's the closest description I can come up with. Jeffie actually described it as half-pony, half-Randy and half-Nathan. It actually resembles me the most, but has Bobbett's nose. Honestly, I just try to not think of it... I wish I could say that those are the worst of the photos, but when Jeffie started showing us pics of what the Bigfeets were doing with me following the birth and the healing process, we were all pretty mortified. Seems they're not only technologically advanced enough to use cell phones, but they've got some pretty sophisticated video recording equipment...which they were using to make some really twisted porn, with me as the main subject..Truth is, the photos that Jeffie was showing us were so disturbing that Joe went ahead and deleted almost every pic on the phone, keeping one photo of my...ummm...offspring... It also seemed that the Bigfeets had equipped me with a tracking chip of their own, presumably in the interests of finding me at a later time to do further unspeakable things to me. It was firmly attached to my ear, but being the fast healer that I am, I told Jeffie to just go ahead and cut the whole ear off. Which he did, but then the idiot turned around and fed me the ear, meaning that the Bigfeets could still track me. I promptly remedied the situation by downing an enormous amount of Ex-Lax.

It didn't take long for Joe to lament the fact that he had actually missed me, and before you knew it he was ready to send me back to the Bigfeets. He did claim to miss Josh, and he even went so far as to say that he missed my brother, Bill, (or BILL!!!), who he'd hung out with the previous weekend when Judas Priestess came to Seneca Falls to perform at our annual Women's Right 2 Rock festival. Truth is, Joe and the crew don't get to see Bill very often, as he's working nights these days. Makes it difficult for him to come out and chill with us when we record the show. Don't write him off, completely, though, we may yet get a visit from him some fine evening! As for Judas Priestess, Joe insists that I wasn't there because I'd been abducted by Bigfeets, but he knows damned well I was able to make it out to Seneca Falls, because I'm the guy who was holding the camera while we interviewed them after their show! Don't believe me? Head on over to the Randy MetalWulf channel on YouTube and see for yourself (Or Just Scroll Down)! One more thing I should mention is that it seemed like Jeffie had been gaining a great deal of weight. In recent weeks he's broken at least two chairs, very likely three. Joe thinks this is pretty hilarious, to be honest, but I get a little worried about some of the ramifications. Guess we just have to wait and see...oh joy...

This week's show ended with me (MetalWulf) starting to give birth to the monstrosity that had been growing inside of me since "Mandy" had her way with Nathan Bobbett during the No Pants Day broadcast on The Last Exit for the Lost. Things went way downhill when I suddenly had a large horn poking out of my abdominal region. Naturally, I panicked. Jeffie, on the other hand, seemed to think that everything would be fine. He even went so far as to contact the Bigfeets via text and escorted me out to the back lawn. Yes, you read that right...he TEXTED them... Bear in mind that up to this point I had thought the whole Bigfeets thing to be a load of bullshit, so imagine my surprise when I turned around to confront them in all their hairy, foul-smelling glory. I'm pretty sure my screams of terror could be heard for miles, disrupting the sleep of both humans and farm animals alike.

Not a lot in the form of insanity on this particular evening, probably due to the fact that Jeffie was afraid of Joe. Pretty understandable considering the horrific beating he'd suffered a week earlier. In fact, Azkath informed us that Jeffie had effectively trapped himself inside the remains of the refrigerator, which is where he'd decided to hide from Joe. Of course, Jeffie will eventually return. We can't get that lucky...and honestly...nobody had the foresight to bury the refrigerator with him inside it...

At some point early in the show the name Lance popped up. I vaguely remember a Lance...used to come out to visit us from time to time, been quite awhile...I wonder if that's who they were talkin' about? Of course, we're not located where we used to be, so perhaps he's just having a hard time finding us. Hmmmm... Anyhow, it seems that Josh is currently living not far from this Lance person, and it was suggested that perhaps Josh could hang out and enjoy some Bon Jovi listening sessions with Lance. Hope Josh enjoys himself with that!

I'm imagining Azkath was possibly just a little put out with me before the evening was over. After months of recording the show at his residence, I was in a position where I had no choice but to...ummmmm...desecrate his toilet. I'd been doing really well, too, hadn't had the urge to take a crap on recording nights at all...until this night... I'll spare you the full details...let's just say it was brutal and unpleasant. While I was tending to business, it was suggested that somebody should sniff the cushion of the chair where I sit, although I usually do my best to restrain any gaseous discharges until I'm outside the recording area. Of course, they'd have had the perfect victim for that particular indignity if Jeffie hadn't gotten himself trapped inside a refrigerator, but what are ya gonna do?

We'd mentioned that Judas Priestess were returning to perform for their third time at Women's Right 2 Rock, an annual event held in my hometown of Seneca Falls, NY. This is a 3-day event, and features a wide variety of rockin' ladies representing multiple genres and artistic styles, both locally and nationally. Always a good time!

Our closing discussion had to do with some photos that Joe had posted to my Facebook page, supposedly proving that Bigfeets existed. I called shenanigans, of course...and in retrospect, perhaps I shouldn't have been so skeptical, because, as of this writing, I know that they really exist...unfortunately...

- Metalwulf