So, this show was initially introduced by the Puckered Starfish of the show as Jeffie's Metallic Onslaught... he was promptly reprimanded... It was a difficult show to get through, and not just because the recording process for the evening was utterly plagued with technical difficulties. I'll get to the meat and potatoes of the evening soon enough. This show was initially broadcast on what was the first night of Finger Lakes Metal Fest, meaning Rick was to be emceeing that while Joe and I tended to some business at the Montage Music Hall in Rochester, NY, where we had an interview scheduled with Septic Flesh. In fact, it was even suggested that I may have perhaps ended up getting sacrficed by Septic Flesh...or Moonspell...possibly even both! Obviously that was not the case...

We'd reminded Jeffie of his sudden departure the week before, after playing two tracks from Deez Nuts. Sadly, the mere mention of that incident prompted a sudden round of "My Crotch, Your Face", resulting in the teabagging of my ear by Jeffie. Ewwwwwww...

Joe discussed his difficulties in being able to escape the grasp that the plague has had on him in recent months. Apparently once that crud settles in, it's a pain in the ass to get rid of. Jeffie felt that he had just what Joe needed in the form of a high protein infusion. In fact, he presented Joe with what he called a "fapaccino". Note I did not say FRAP-accino... He did, indeed, specify FAP-accino... Guess we all know where the protein was coming from, huh? Jeffie's insistence that it was cherry-flavored AND made with love (yep...I'm sure it was...) didn't really do much to encourage Joe to try drinking it. Jeffie, however, did take a drink of it after adding a bit of bleach to it for flavor. Which, hey, that's fine if he's into that kinda thing... sadly, I am not, but I couldn't seem to convey that sentiment fast enough to prevent him from forcing some of it down my throat. It's a small miracle that I didn't actually puke... actually, it was more like a curse, because to be honest, I WANTED to puke...

It was only a matter of time before Joe's wrath was unleashed on Jeffie, this week in the form of a very large wrench. As a matter of fact, Jeffie ended up with some visible dents in his skull, although he didn't seem to feel a thing. As a matter of fact, a little bit of duct tape seemed to patch things up nicely. It was even suggested that some of the dents looked vaguely "punk", which seemed to please Jeffie. I even told him that I could use some nuts and bolts to make him look even MORE punk...

Things almost got terribly out of hand, though, when Joe broke out the Black Anvil Of Doom. It had actually been quite some time since we'd seen the anvil. In all seriousness, I can't remember when I last encountered it. I DO remember that there was a challenge for all of us to see how far we could lift it... and that I couldn't lift it past waist level... Joe seemed to have different memories, claiming that I'd actually gotten it over my head. Which is not even remotely true. Joe, however, HAS gotten that thing over his head, and how he did it without blowing his testes out completely... well, that is a complete mystery. Honestly, if you want to see something very impressive regarding the anvil... watch Necro Zombies From Beyond Space, where you'll see Ire Clad's Eric Rodriguez actually run while CARRYING it. 

But, I digress...

 

Joe seemed to think it would be amusing to pick the anvil up and hand it to me, which pretty much resulted in my rib cage coming close to imploding. Honestly, that freakin' thing is HEAVY... Jeffie thought it would actually be fun to have Joe toss the anvil... as in playing a game of "catch" with it. In fact, Jeffie went one better, suggesting that it would be more fun to have Joe toss the anvil and bounce it off of my belly. I saw only one way that scenario would end, and it included the splattering of my entrails as they blew out of my asshole... So, imagine how surprised we all were when Joe tossed the anvil, and it bounced off my belly, and then was caught by Jeffie, who used his teeth. Crazy how we're able to completely defy the laws of physics on this show...

-Randy Metalwulf