We’d seen the return of Joe this week, and I was still in mourning over the murder of Spanky by our resident idiot, Jeffie. Joe seemed really confused over the whole incident, which he’d missed, although he insisted that he was there the previous week. We assured him that he had been among the missing on that evening, but he was just not having it. Rick took a moment to announce an upcoming show we’re hosting at the Eagle Hotel in Lodi, NY for our birthdays. He and I, along with Josh, all have birthdays within roughly a month of each other, and Rick and I will both be celebrating landmarks, as he’ll be turning 40 and I’ll be hitting...ugh...50... Anyhow, that show will be held on December 12 and will feature Never The Voiceless, Revival, Order Of The Dead, UnDead Messengers, Ruination, Age Of Shadows, and Inhumatus. Quite a diverse line-up, and should be a lot of fun! Joe had actually gotten Josh to denounce Iron Maiden, believe it or not. Of course, if I know Josh, he probably wasn’t completely serious, but he did actually denounce them. And it was like pullin’ teeth to get him to do it, too. Threat of the anvil dropped on his nuts? Nope, wouldn’t denounce them. Threat of a sweaty jock strap held to his nose, after I wore it while doing squats and lunges for an hour? (Yeah, that’s gonna happen...) Nope, still wouldn’t denounce them. As a matter of fact, we’d pretty much acknowledged that Josh was a Superfan, until Joe suggested using said jockstrap on Josh’s girlfriend. He immediately denounced Iron Maiden and proclaimed Black Sabbath to be his new favorite band. Gotta give the guy credit, he sure didn’t cave in easily! Jeffie returned once again, now that he’s established that I hadn’t killed him. Josh acknowledged that Jeffie seemed to be more bad-ass, although the better description was that he’d been “jerkified”...and he certainly is a jerk! As if I needed any more proof of his jerkiness, he made a confession regarding some itchiness I’d been experiencing. As it turns out, it wasn’t actually jock itch powder he’d doused himself with the week before. Seems that whatever it was had a number of bizarre spores contained in it, which had started growing on me. Not so evident as of the night we recorded this show, but it’s become a real pain in the ass afterwards. I’d pretty much described it as being like “Day Of The Triffids” in my nether regions. Jeffie mentioned that I was like Stephen King’s character in Creepshow, which really isn’t far off the mark. And, of course, showering just makes it worse, and Jeffie made a point not to shower, so the spores never started maturing and growing on him. Joe, being the smartass that he is, suggested that I might turn into Groot from Guardians Of The Galaxy. References were made to me possibly peeing sap. Threats were made in the form of weed whackers. On the plus side, Josh acknowledged that by turning into a plant, I’ll be producing oxygen, meaning that I’ll actually become useful...gee, thanks... The evening closed out with Jeffie leaving me a little gift in a box. Obviously I was skeptical, but he insisted that I open it, so I did. Big mistake, as he’d cut off Spanky’s...ummmm...other head...and presented it to me, with the promise of more gifts to come. Really not looking forward to it, to be honest...

-Randy Metal Wulf

So, not only was Nathan not on hand this week, but our long-suffering host, Joseph Wyatt, was also among the missing. And, if that wasn’t weird enough in and of itself, Azkath had mentioned that he’d been hearing some strange things out back. In fact, he was pretty certain that there was something roaming around behind the building, but hadn’t caught sight of whatever it may be. Of course, my first thought was that it was likely Spanky, but Azkath insisted that he hadn’t seen any sign of our centaur/unicorn hybrid all day. And he also insisted that it was NOT Jeffie. My theory on the matter was that perhaps Spanky was roaming around out back, looking for Joe, and perhaps Nathan was riding Spanky as they both searched. At one point, Azkath was so convinced that he heard something outside that he had Rick and Josh join him while he took a peek. I tried to take a moment to share some details about a show that Joe and I had gone too the previous weekend, but Jeffie took that moment to reveal himself to me, right there in the studio. Naturally, I flipped, and Azkath, Rick, and Josh came running back in to see what was wrong. Of course they didn’t believe a word I said about Jeffie being right there, saying he was coming to get me. It wasn’t too much later when Azkath heard something again, this time going outside on his own to investigate. We heard a loud “thud”, followed by what sounded like Azkath calling for help. Of course, Azkath and Jeffie sound almost identical, so who the hell knew what I was getting myself into when I stepped outside? I’d only been out there a matter of seconds when a white, ghostly figure came dashing at me from the darkness...and caught me in a huge bear hug. It was, well and truly, Jeffie. He’d doused himself in a ton of what was probably jock itch powder, and glomped the living hell outta me, causing an enormous white cloud to puff out from the impact. Yes, there is YouTube content down below, and it’s a sight to behold... So, yeah, Jeffie was back, and had never actually been dead in the first place. He’d been haunting me and plotting his revenge for weeks, not to mention planning on reinstating himself as the “star” of the Metallic Onslaught. Yep, the guy is still delusional as ever!

The evening came to a particularly shocking conclusion after I’d mentioned to Jeffie that he’d missed out on me becoming a parent, although he insisted that he had, indeed, met Spanky. And, at the end of the show, he provided evidence of this as he left a large plastic case in the middle of the table...with Spanky’s severed head inside of it...

- Recap by Randy Metalwulf

Honestly, for the most part, this was a fairly uneventful week, and that doesn’t happen very often! Which is okay by me, because this also generally means that nobody’s at risk of getting demolished! We saw the return of Nathan, after he missed a week, which really seemed to tick Joe off. Joe seems to have taken a bit of a liking to Nathan... either that or he just enjoys having fresh blood to torment. But, who am I to say? You can be the judge of that! Nathan’s return coincided with another week where Azkath decided to subject us to yet another video full of wrongness, this one entitled “Retard-O-Tron”. Fitting, to be honest, considering the content. The worst thing about these videos is that we really can’t describe what we’re watching during talk breaks, and we end up needing an ample supply of eye bleach to cleanse ourselves after watching. Not fun. Then Nathan was actually kind enough to share some fun stories with us that, had they been filmed for posterity, may very well have been fit for inclusion on a “Retard-O-Tron” collection! But, then, who are we to judge, we’ve all done some fairly idiotic things on this show. Azkath had asked me if I’d been having any further Jeffie sightings, and as it turns out, I indeed had been. As a matter of fact, I shared one very specific example where I’d awoken during the night to find Jeffie staring down at me. This little episode startled me enough that I actually fell out of bed, bumping my head on the night stand. And when I finally got myself situated he was no longer there. This actually freaked me out quite a bit, because the locks on my door had recently been changed, and I’m the only one who currently has a key to my apartment. But, that didn’t freak me out nearly as much as getting a phone call from him during the show! Yeah, that was pretty bizarre, and nobody believed me when I said that it was Jeffie, and that he was coming to get me...

- Recap By Randy

There was a bit of concern in the early running regarding the absence of Nathan. We honestly didn’t know if he just wasn’t there, or if he’d gotten so skinny that we could no longer see him. It was also speculated that perhaps he was out riding Spanky, but considering his prior little adventure didn’t work out so well, I had my doubts. There was even an attempt at calling him, to no avail. I guess he just wasn’t able to join us this week!

For some odd reason, Azkath seemed to think that I’d jumped off the barn the previous week, but I had no memories of anything like that, despite some strange evidence that was found around the backyard area. A mark on the ground where I could have potentially landed...blood splotches on the stairs to the barn...and also what Joe suggested was a hole out behind the barn, but who the hell knows what that came from? Unexplainable things aside, I was actually battling a touch of the plague on this evening. Damned late summer/early autumn colds suck, but it’s to be expected, I suppose. Of course, it probably didn’t help that I’d been packed like a sardine in a sea of people at a Gwar show just a few nights prior. Go from a hot and sweaty environment like that and into the chilly night air, you’re just asking to get sick. The show itself was a blast, featuring openers Battlecross and Butcher Babies. Solid night of music from start to finish, and it was my first time actually seeing Gwar. Sad that it took me so long to have my first Gwar experience, to be honest, would have loved to have seen them while Oderus was still with us. Still, the current lineup is pretty amazing, and the show itself was the most over the top night of craziness I’ve ever experienced. And yeah, I was close enough to get a full-on drenching, I wouldn’t have had it any other way!

Anyhow, Azkath decided that feeding me some of the enormous mushrooms that are growing in his lawn might make me feel better. I really didn’t see where this was a good idea, but before I knew it, there were mushrooms being shoved into my mouth, and I found myself swallowing them. It wasn’t long before my skin started turning fuschia and my hands began to blister. Then the chills started...and the vomiting...so much vomit... And it wasn’t like a regular session of puking. This was turbo-projectile puking. And also highly acidic, as it began eating through the grass...and the trees...not to mention my leg. And, oh yeah, one particularly large blast caught Josh full on, eating through his clothing, forcing him to remove every stitch that he was wearing. Azkath, being the standup guy that he is, found some old Worm shirts for Josh to cover himself in. Which is cool, because those things have been sitting around for ages. Nice to have found a use for them! Everything else after that kinda becomes a blur, though. I just remember becoming progressively more and more sick as the evening went on...and it’s all a blank after that. Still, once again, it must not have been so bad if I’m able to sit here and type this out now!

-Metal Wulf