Seriah Azkath

May 1, 2015 - The Great Outdoors

Outside

So, due to the nice weather, The Metallic Onslaught broadcast from outside in Azkath's yard. The yard is a little creepy. There are birds, owls, deer, coyotes, raccoons, bats, and perhaps bigfoots. It was very Metal. Randy was missing, and stories as to exactly where he was were confused. He was apparently arrested, then bailed out, then taken back to jail, and eventually a new Jeffie went to free him. Turns out, RJ decapitated Jeffie the previous week, and threw the head through a neighbor's window. That brought the cops, unlike other Jeffie deaths. They arrested Randy, but Azkath pinned a note explaining it all to a new Jeffie and sent him to free Randy. This was the last they knew as of this broadcast. This should have been No Pants Day, but due to the change in studio, and with Randy and Jeffie missing, no celebrations occurred. All pants stayed on. No Pants Day was instead celebrated the next night on The Last Exit for the Lost. 

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April 24, 2015 - RJ frames Randy

RJ Visits

Recap by Randy "MetalWulf" Smith
 
An early topic of discussion centered around some recent shows that were attended by us.
First case in point was the Nightwish show in Buffalo that Josh and I attended at the Town Ballroom that also featured Sabaton and Delain. Can't describe how awesome that show was, although we only really got to hear Delain as they wrapped up the last few songs of their set. They sounded pretty tight from where we were, though! Sabaton were incredible, and got an amazing response from the Buffalo crowd. Honestly, the guys seemed very humbled by the fans reaction. Nightwish were just flat-out amazing. Probably one of the best live bands on the planet, and I highly recommend seeing them if they ever roll through your town! 
Of course, Joe had to get a bit of ball-busting in by suggesting we'd actually gone to see Nightwish On Ice, a joking reference to the band's reputation for performing "Disney Metal". He'd even gone so far to refer to me as a "Pretty Disney Princess", but I just take it with a grain of salt, mostly. I know Nightwish isn't everybody's cup of tea, and that's okay!
While Josh and I were in Buffalo, Rick was at the Rapids Theater in Niagara Falls with my brother Bill and his awesome girlfriend, Annie, where they took in Testament and Exodus, along with Shattered Sun. Testament's been performing both The Legacy and New World Order in their entirety on this tour, and I have it on good faith that that, also, was a solid show from all bands involved!
A couple nights later, Joe, Rick, Josh, and myself were all in Rochester to catch Death Angel and Corrosion Of Conformity Blind at the Montage Music Hall. Great sets from both bands, and we were fortunate enough to get interviews with both Ted Aguilar from Death Angel, and Karl Agell from CoC Blind, both of which you can currently view on my YouTube page (Randy MetalWulf).
 
For months we'd been anticipating the evening when Azkath fired up the old Intellivision that's set up in our new digs, and this was the night we got to get our game on! Yep, we delved into some old-school 4-bit awesomeness with Kool-Aid Man, Masters Of The Universe, and Astrosmash...none of which I seemed to be able to excel at, but it was still damned fun!
 
RJ from Thirteen South had dropped in for a visit, which had Jeffie in a bit of a panic. As a matter of fact, Azkath had been hanging with us for a bit, and had mentioned that Jeffie was hesitant about coming out, knowing that RJ was possibly making an appearance. But, when it seemed like RJ may have been a no-show, Jeffie showed up and was enjoying some Intellivision time of his own.
But, RJ showed up, making Jeffie a little uncomfortable. Some may remember that Jeffie had the crap beaten out of him by RJ awhile back while we were still at WEOS. This happened because Jeffie had touched RJ's chin, not a good idea as it turned out. Well, RJ has since grown a beard, and Jeffie just couldn't keep his hands to himself, which is often the case. He touched the beard, and RJ started throwing Jeffie around the room like a ragdoll. 
Gotta say, the evening ended on a bit of a mixed blessing. On the plus side, RJ pulled a knife and dragged Jeffie outside, screaming at us on the way out the door, "YOU GUYS DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING!!!"
A few moments later, RJ came back in alone, wiping blood from the knife...before putting it into my hand, making sure my fingerprints were all over it...
And, to make matters worse, Joe, Rick, and Josh all left the building in a hurry, as I was left holding the knife, with the sound of the Hamster Dance (the music that usually accompanies a Jeffie death) playing, followed soon thereafter by the sound of sirens.
Yep, I got out of Dodge damned quick, and have been layin' low, hoping this all blows over... 
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April 17, 2015 - A Rubber Band on Randy's Head...

Rubber Band on Randy's Head

So, imagine my surprise on this evening when Joe actually started apologizing to me for the amount of abuse they'd been putting me through in recent weeks. As a matter of fact, Joe had gone so far as to say that maybe they needed to be more nice to me!
I was a bit shocked, really didn't know what to say...and it really didn't matter, because it didn't take long for things to return to normalcy. In fact, things went south rather quickly following Joe's apology.
It all began when Jeffie started offering me gifts to make up for harming me. Gifts like a cobweb-infested stuffed monkey...and the handset from a cordless phone...and the hat that was really a soft case meant for a laptop. This latter item, when placed upon my head, apparently made me resemble Sally Field back in her days on The Flying Nun...
Anyhoo, the abuse got under way again, seemingly due to my lack of gratitude for the gifts...and the fact that I made Jeffie cry when I got brutally honest with him about the damage he had been inflicting on me..and the fact that Jeffie got so upset that he left the building.
Ya see...somehow, all of this was MY fault... 
Numerous implements of destruction were brought into play, among them a giant fly swatter that had been a gift to Azkath from my brother and his girlfriend. Just another day at the office for me, I'd been beaten with it before. I will say this, though, I hadn't expected Joe to try to make me lick the fly swatter. That little episode cost me a tooth, which Joe promptly attempted to fix with a power drill...taking two more teeth out in the process.
Joe had also found some caulk that he wanted to seal my mouth shut with, and I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want caulk anywhere NEAR my mouth.
That's right, think about it... 
He also found a rather disturbing item hanging on Azkath's wall in a different room. It was a pair of ceramic heads on a board, a wolf and a bear to be precise. Honestly, it looked like an old Boy Scouts project, but c'mon...Azkath, in the Boy Scouts? Nope, there had to be a far more diabolical meaning to it all. Joe ended up placing the item on my chest, saying it was a necklace. I just took it all in stride.  
Jeffie eventually returned after a bit, carrying a leather case, which he promptly bludgeoned me with. That was bad enough, but he'd put a small layer of what I hope was talcum powder in the bottom of the case. Even a small layer made a hell of a cloud in that room, in fact, Josh had to depart for greener pastures, due to allegies.
Now, Jeffie clocked me pretty hard with that thing. He actually rattled my teeth a little, so I'd had about enough. I picked the case up and started dishing out some payback...causing more powder to fill the room, making it even harder for people to breathe...it was a hell of a mess, to be honest...
 
But that wasn't the ultimate indignity of the evening. Oh, no...not even close...
 
Jeffie took a large, thick rubber band and placed it around my head like a bandana.
This actually had two effects.
The first thing it did was pull my forehead up, widening my eyes by quite a lot. I remember thinking, "Who needs Botox?"
The second thing it did was to cut the circulation to the crown of my head, causing it to turn red and swollen...and wrinkly...and gross. 
I swear, the top of my head looked like a freakin' prune...and even worse, it was suggested that the top of my head looked like a nut sac! Which was actually a pretty accurate assessment, as I peeked at the photos that were taken.
All of this was recorded for posterity, so you'll all have the chance to see for yourself! 
- Randy MetalWulf
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April 10, 2015 - Jeffie Regenerates...

Everyone...

Recap by Randy "MetalWulf" Smith
 
So, before getting down to the meat and potatoes of this week's show, I need to backtrack to just after last week's show. We were all preparing to head home when Jeffie sank into the mud in Azkath's driveway. The last thing we saw before departing was his hand waving to us just before he disappeared for good. Honestly, I had to resist the urge to reach out and high five him before he was completely submerged.
 
What...you didn't honestly think I was going to pull him out, did you?
 
Let's face it, we knew it was only a matter of time before another Jeffie was made, so it wasn't a big deal. We'll never be rid of him...
As a matter of fact, Joe was a bit disappointed that Jeffie wasn't there to abuse me in his unique fashion. Personally, I didn't miss it at all, and was looking forward to a relatively sane evening. But, Joe decided to fill the void of not having Jeffie on hand by taking it upon himself to abuse me.
For starters, he started beating me with a plastic bucket, effectively splattering my nose across at least half of my face. That was bad enough, but Joe didn't seem to think so, as he also decided he should wing the bucket lid at me, Frisbee-style. Bear in mind, when he flung it at me, I was using one hand to try to stem the flow of blood and snot from my nose. The other hand tried to deflect the lid, but I missed,..and had my forehead split open for my troubles.
I was subjected to further indignities when Joe took a whisk broom and decided to brush my teeth with it. Apparently Jeffie had been spotted at one juncture using that very same whisk broom to clean out his dingleberries...
A milk crate was used on my knees next, which is just flat-out adding insult to injury, because my damned knees don't need help to get any worse than they already are... 
Next up was the very same cheese grater that Jeffie had used to shred my forehead just a couple weeks earlier. Joe decided to use it to shred my throat, pretty much eradicating my Adam's Apple. Gasping and choking, I soon lost consciousness and may have perished completely if Josh hadn't attempted to give me mouth to mouth. Notice i say "attempted", because I must have sensed something terrible about to happen (again...), and regained my consciousness just in time to see Josh lowering his head down to mine.
Yep, I awoke screaming...
 
As previously mentioned, we were well aware that another Jeffie would join us at some point. We weren't expecting the next one quite so soon, but he arrived, explaining that he had cut off one of his fingers prior to sinking into the mud, because he can now regenerate himself from severed body parts.
Which will serve as a reminder in the future...when a Jeffie dies, BURN THE BODY!!! 
 
So, with a fresh Jeffie once again walking in our midst, the abuse continued...
 
Jeffie put the plastic bucket over my head, and then decided to try knocking the bucket off using a hammer. My nose, which had been healing quite nicely up to this point, endured further trauma.
This was followed by a quick game of "My Crotch, Your Face", which is horrific enough on its own. Totally unnecessary if you ask me. I hope the blood stains NEVER wash out of his jeans...
At some point Jeffie got hold of my phone, promptly placing it in his pants, which led to Joe calling my number, leading to Jeffie experiencing a Beach Boys moment in the form of good vibrations...
 
Jeffie next broke out the styrofoam, which led to all-out war, as it usually does when that substance is introduced to a scenario.
Really, and I'm speaking from the heart here, you haven't lived until you've beaten the snot out of someone with huge pieces of styrofoam. I mean, yeah, it makes a HELL of a mess, but it's so much freakin' fun! Yep, Jeffie and I pummeled the hell out of each other for a good length of time. Other implements of destruction were also brought in, because these moments pretty much turn into a hardcore wrestling match. This particular bout came to a close when Jeffie turned on a Shop Vac and took the hose to my face...
And, last but not least, for some bizarre reason, Joe thought I had sprung a leak, prompting Jeffie to turn on Azkath's air compressor to reinflate me through my belly button. You can only imagine the carnage from there...just think of the restaurant scene from Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life", but this time with rice and sausage chunks splattering the entire room.
Yep, it's a good thing us clones heal fast... 
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