So, imagine my surprise on this evening when Joe actually started apologizing to me for the amount of abuse they'd been putting me through in recent weeks. As a matter of fact, Joe had gone so far as to say that maybe they needed to be more nice to me!
I was a bit shocked, really didn't know what to say...and it really didn't matter, because it didn't take long for things to return to normalcy. In fact, things went south rather quickly following Joe's apology.
It all began when Jeffie started offering me gifts to make up for harming me. Gifts like a cobweb-infested stuffed monkey...and the handset from a cordless phone...and the hat that was really a soft case meant for a laptop. This latter item, when placed upon my head, apparently made me resemble Sally Field back in her days on The Flying Nun...
Anyhoo, the abuse got under way again, seemingly due to my lack of gratitude for the gifts...and the fact that I made Jeffie cry when I got brutally honest with him about the damage he had been inflicting on me..and the fact that Jeffie got so upset that he left the building.
Ya see...somehow, all of this was MY fault...
Numerous implements of destruction were brought into play, among them a giant fly swatter that had been a gift to Azkath from my brother and his girlfriend. Just another day at the office for me, I'd been beaten with it before. I will say this, though, I hadn't expected Joe to try to make me lick the fly swatter. That little episode cost me a tooth, which Joe promptly attempted to fix with a power drill...taking two more teeth out in the process.
Joe had also found some caulk that he wanted to seal my mouth shut with, and I made it abundantly clear that I didn't want caulk anywhere NEAR my mouth.
That's right, think about it...
He also found a rather disturbing item hanging on Azkath's wall in a different room. It was a pair of ceramic heads on a board, a wolf and a bear to be precise. Honestly, it looked like an old Boy Scouts project, but c'mon...Azkath, in the Boy Scouts? Nope, there had to be a far more diabolical meaning to it all. Joe ended up placing the item on my chest, saying it was a necklace. I just took it all in stride.
Jeffie eventually returned after a bit, carrying a leather case, which he promptly bludgeoned me with. That was bad enough, but he'd put a small layer of what I hope was talcum powder in the bottom of the case. Even a small layer made a hell of a cloud in that room, in fact, Josh had to depart for greener pastures, due to allegies.
Now, Jeffie clocked me pretty hard with that thing. He actually rattled my teeth a little, so I'd had about enough. I picked the case up and started dishing out some payback...causing more powder to fill the room, making it even harder for people to breathe...it was a hell of a mess, to be honest...
But that wasn't the ultimate indignity of the evening. Oh, no...not even close...
Jeffie took a large, thick rubber band and placed it around my head like a bandana.
This actually had two effects.
The first thing it did was pull my forehead up, widening my eyes by quite a lot. I remember thinking, "Who needs Botox?"
The second thing it did was to cut the circulation to the crown of my head, causing it to turn red and swollen...and wrinkly...and gross.
I swear, the top of my head looked like a freakin' prune...and even worse, it was suggested that the top of my head looked like a nut sac! Which was actually a pretty accurate assessment, as I peeked at the photos that were taken.
All of this was recorded for posterity, so you'll all have the chance to see for yourself!
- Randy MetalWulf
Playlist
Stone Sour - We Die Young
Red Moon Architect - Cradle
Gruesome - Trapped In Hell
Arcturus - The Arcturian Sign
Red Room Ensemble - Stargrinder
Undead - Castrate Humanity
Possession (Belgium) - Ablaze
Desolation - Acid Tongue
Armored Saint - Win Hands Down
Hot Fog - Priest Of The Hill People
Michael Schenker's Temple Of Rock - Bulletproof
We Butter The Bread With Butter - Berlin, Berlin!
Sulphur Aeon - Calls From Below
The Monolith Deathcult - Der Hexenhammer
Tyrant Goatgaldrakona - Horns In The Dark
Holocaustum - Pulverizing Your Cadaver
Heidevolk - Vinland
Byzantine - You Sleep, We Wake
S.O.D. - Kill Yourself
Exciter - Pounding Metal
Anthrax - Metal Thrashing Mad
Slayer - At Dawn They Sleep
Metallica - Trapped Under Ice
Inhumatus - Existence Denied
Beyond Fallen - Concrete Lucifer
Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide
Gutted Alive - Collector Of Souls
Throne Of Wilderness - Fauna Fete
Cult Of Endtime - Discourse With The Dead
Mammoth Mammoth - Fuel Injected
Royal Thunder - The Line
Nightwish - Yours Is An Empty Hope
King Hitter - King Hitter
Whitesnake - Stormbringer
Bio-Cancer - Tormenting The Innocent
Apophys - Requiem For The Absurd
Deez Nuts - Chess Boxin'
Alkaloid - Alter Magnitudes
Impellitteri - Empire Of Lies
Continuum - The Epiphany
Cracked Alice - Misery
Station - Dressed To Kill
All That Remains - Tru-Kvlt Metal
The Agonist - Faceless Messenger
Morgoth - Voice Of Slumber
Psycroptic - A Soul Once Lost
Ranger - Black Circle (SYLS)
Theories - Landfill
Murder In Rue Morgue - Atom Smasher
Hard Action - Dead Dogs
Killer - Forever Metal
Lawless Hearts - Creature Of Habit
My Grimace - Drink Of Death
