April 10, 2015 - Jeffie Regenerates...


Recap by Randy "MetalWulf" Smith
So, before getting down to the meat and potatoes of this week's show, I need to backtrack to just after last week's show. We were all preparing to head home when Jeffie sank into the mud in Azkath's driveway. The last thing we saw before departing was his hand waving to us just before he disappeared for good. Honestly, I had to resist the urge to reach out and high five him before he was completely submerged.
What...you didn't honestly think I was going to pull him out, did you?
Let's face it, we knew it was only a matter of time before another Jeffie was made, so it wasn't a big deal. We'll never be rid of him...
As a matter of fact, Joe was a bit disappointed that Jeffie wasn't there to abuse me in his unique fashion. Personally, I didn't miss it at all, and was looking forward to a relatively sane evening. But, Joe decided to fill the void of not having Jeffie on hand by taking it upon himself to abuse me.
For starters, he started beating me with a plastic bucket, effectively splattering my nose across at least half of my face. That was bad enough, but Joe didn't seem to think so, as he also decided he should wing the bucket lid at me, Frisbee-style. Bear in mind, when he flung it at me, I was using one hand to try to stem the flow of blood and snot from my nose. The other hand tried to deflect the lid, but I missed,..and had my forehead split open for my troubles.
I was subjected to further indignities when Joe took a whisk broom and decided to brush my teeth with it. Apparently Jeffie had been spotted at one juncture using that very same whisk broom to clean out his dingleberries...
A milk crate was used on my knees next, which is just flat-out adding insult to injury, because my damned knees don't need help to get any worse than they already are... 
Next up was the very same cheese grater that Jeffie had used to shred my forehead just a couple weeks earlier. Joe decided to use it to shred my throat, pretty much eradicating my Adam's Apple. Gasping and choking, I soon lost consciousness and may have perished completely if Josh hadn't attempted to give me mouth to mouth. Notice i say "attempted", because I must have sensed something terrible about to happen (again...), and regained my consciousness just in time to see Josh lowering his head down to mine.
Yep, I awoke screaming...
As previously mentioned, we were well aware that another Jeffie would join us at some point. We weren't expecting the next one quite so soon, but he arrived, explaining that he had cut off one of his fingers prior to sinking into the mud, because he can now regenerate himself from severed body parts.
Which will serve as a reminder in the future...when a Jeffie dies, BURN THE BODY!!! 
So, with a fresh Jeffie once again walking in our midst, the abuse continued...
Jeffie put the plastic bucket over my head, and then decided to try knocking the bucket off using a hammer. My nose, which had been healing quite nicely up to this point, endured further trauma.
This was followed by a quick game of "My Crotch, Your Face", which is horrific enough on its own. Totally unnecessary if you ask me. I hope the blood stains NEVER wash out of his jeans...
At some point Jeffie got hold of my phone, promptly placing it in his pants, which led to Joe calling my number, leading to Jeffie experiencing a Beach Boys moment in the form of good vibrations...
Jeffie next broke out the styrofoam, which led to all-out war, as it usually does when that substance is introduced to a scenario.
Really, and I'm speaking from the heart here, you haven't lived until you've beaten the snot out of someone with huge pieces of styrofoam. I mean, yeah, it makes a HELL of a mess, but it's so much freakin' fun! Yep, Jeffie and I pummeled the hell out of each other for a good length of time. Other implements of destruction were also brought in, because these moments pretty much turn into a hardcore wrestling match. This particular bout came to a close when Jeffie turned on a Shop Vac and took the hose to my face...
And, last but not least, for some bizarre reason, Joe thought I had sprung a leak, prompting Jeffie to turn on Azkath's air compressor to reinflate me through my belly button. You can only imagine the carnage from there...just think of the restaurant scene from Monty Python's "The Meaning Of Life", but this time with rice and sausage chunks splattering the entire room.
Yep, it's a good thing us clones heal fast... 

Heidevolk - De Hallen Van Mijn Vaderen
Blackwelder - Oriental Spell
Kings Destroy - Mr. O

Between The Buried And Me - Memory Palace
The Prodigy - Nasty
Whorion - Flesh Of Gods
King Parrot - Punisher
Abiotic - Violent Scriptures

Shawn James & The Shapeshifters - Strange Days
Blacklist Union - Alive And Well Smack In The Middle Of Hell
Freaks Like Me - All In A Lie
Airstream - House Of Pain
Cracked Alice - Ninth Paradigm

Agnostic Front - Social Justice
Prong - Goofy's Concern
In Other Climes - Dead Man's Fingers
Shroud Of Despondency - Underbelly
Tribulation - In The Dreams Of The Dead

Awe - Clotho
Sworn In - Pins And Needles

Cult Of Endtime - Funeral Voyagers
Bio-Cancer - Obligated To Incest
Apophys - The Red Planet
Gift Giver - Scumbag pt 2
Byzantine - Schold's Bridle

Full Devil Jacket - Valley Of Bones
King Hitter - Drone Again
Mammoth Mammoth - Sick (Of Being Sick)
Deez Nuts - Pour Up
Minsk - To The Garish Remembrance Of Failure

Sir Mix-a-Lot - Iron Man
Ratt - Sweet Cheater
Raven - Mind Over Metal
Omen - Teeth Of The Hydra
Black Task - Kill Your Enemies

Nightwish - Weak Fantasy
Royal Thunder - Ear On The Fool
Whitesnake - Stormbringer
Quor - Human Paradigm
All That Remains - No Knock

Dodheimsgard - The Unlocking
Alkaloid - Cthulhu
Impellitteri - Time Machine
Ranger - Phantom Soldier
Santa Cruz - We Are The Ones To Fall

Judas Priest - Metal Gods
Carach Angren - Possessed By A Craft Of Witchery

Throne of Wilderness - Victorious Revelry
Beyond Fallen "Concrete Lucifer"
Order of the Dead "322"

Ire Clad "Feeds on Them"


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