Seriah Azkath

September 15, 2012 - The MO Massage Therapist

Listen to the Show - Two 15 minutes blocks are missing from the show. Sorry, out of our control.
Playlist
Testament - Man Kills Mankind
Dokken - Broken Bones
The Last Vegas - Beat To Hell
Kiss - Hell Or Hallelujah
SouthWicked - Graveyard Of Bones

Judas Priest - Screaming For Vengeance
Judas Priest - Riding On The Wind
Tracer - Too Much
Y&T - Hurricane
Graviators - Forlorn

Castle - Alcatraz
Lynch Mob - Sucka
Down - This Work Is Timeless
Dew-Scented - Thrown To The Lions
Dust Bolt - March Thru Pain
Striker - Terrorizer

As I Lay Dying - Defender
Witch Cross - Alien Savage
Acid Witch - Rabid Werewitch
Stolen Babies - Dried Moat
Mongrel - Zombies Of War
Deceit - Wolfman

Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell - Devils Island
Encrust - Cult Of The Cross
The Chariot - Tongues
I Am War - A Nightmare
Vision Of Disorder - Hard Times
The Faceless - Ten Billion Years

Devin Townsend Project - Liberation
Hirax - The Mouth Of The Beast
Kix - Midnight Dynamite
Pride Of Lions - Tie Down The Wind
Eminence - Written In Dust
Destinity - Reap My Scars

Megadeth - Hook In Mouth
Alice In Chains - Sickman
Down - Open Coffins
Meathook Seed - My Infinity
Obituary - Final Thoughts
Black Sabbath - Die Young

Pro-Pain - Bloodlust For War
Hooded Menace - Summoned Into Euphoric
Kill Ritual - Coat Of Blood
Texas In July - Bed Of Nails

Vio-lence - Calling The Coroner
Nile - Supreme Humanism Of Meglomania
Ektomorf - Never Surrender
All Hail The Yeti - Bloodguilt
Widow Sunday - Open Eyes
Vore - The Unseen Hand

Hate Machine - Bring In The Butcher
Deceased - Shrieks From The Hearse
Harm - Another Conspiracy
Vision Of Disorder - Blood Red Sun
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Recap by The Metal Wulf;

Last night pretty much drove the fact home for me. Yep, summer is pretty well dead and gone for this year, like it or not. As a matter of fact, our show next week will likely coincide nicely with the Autumn Equinox.

Not to get overly depressed at the thought, early topics rouched on the upcoming Holiday season.

First of all, Rick mentioned an upcoming Zombie Walk that will take place in Newark next month. Can't remember the specific date as of this writing, but I'll be keeping everybody up to date on this, as it seems at least a couple of us Onslaught folks will be taking part.

This event will also feature a "Thriller" dance-off contest...which, I personally guarantee, will feature absolutely NOBODY from the Metallic Onslaught. Nope, don't care how funny it may look, but it just ain't happening. No Moon-Walking for me, thanks...and certainly NO BUTT CLAPS, either, as discussed on the show...

We'd made a discovery that Oreo was releasing a limited edition cookie with a Candy Corn-inspired middle. Let's face it, when it comes to Halloween treats, candy corn really wasn't what you wanted to have a bag full of at the end of the night. I mean, personally, I never hated it, but there was better stuff to be had, for sure. The rest of the crew all agreed that they HATED candy corn.

This, of course, led to a further discussion of what exactly candy corn was made of, which I believe Josh was going to research. Unfortunately, I don't remember any further discussion on this topic, 'cuz we'd moved on to the subject of Christmas.

(Yeah, I know, nobody wants to think about it, but look around, folks, it's slowly rearing it's head, like it or not...)

So, really, how DOES Santa pack so much into that giant sack of his? We spent a good portion of a talk break discussing things that Joe had received one Christmas, mostly Star Wars toys (LARGE Star Wars toys...), and we were quite frankly amazed that Santa could carry soooooo much in that big ol' sack of his.

I should stress that there was some concern over Santa's sack being so big and red, but we also established that at least it wasn't blue...in which case, perhaps Mrs. Claus needed to take care of her man just a little better...

Jeffie had arrived following his visit to last night's 2CW show in Auburn, NY. Yes, our 2CW friends were once again setting up a ring right in the middle of Suzy's Tavern and providing a fun-filled evening of wrestling action. Crazy how they're able to do this. Bear in mind, when they were there earlier in the year, they actually had a Steel Cage match in the bar! Crazy...

But, yes, Jeffie was all pumped up, having met WWE Hall Of Famer "Hacksaw" Jim Duggan. Hell, personally, I can understand his excitement, people generally loved Hacksaw back in the day. Not one of the most innovative ring talents of his time, but definitely a highly charismatic and entertaining individual.

There was a little concern later on when Rick, Josh, and Arydaea ( aka. Foul Mouth Girl) were found to be MIA. Jeffie took advantage of this disappearance to take his place in "The Rick Hole". This eventually led to some bad things happening, which further snow-balled into catasrophic results for Jeffie later in the evening....

In a nutshell, while the others were gone, Jeffie took a moment to stuff both Rick's cell phone AND his laptop down his pants. Seriously, it's AMAZING what this guy can put in his pants. If I hadn't ever seen it for myself, I'd NEVER beleive it. It's absolutely MIND-BOGGLING, I tell you!

Anyhoo, Rick, Josh, and FMG returned, and chaos ensued as soon as Rick found out the fate of his cell phone.Yep, he pummeled the living shit out of Jeffie, one of the worst beatings I've ever seen the guy get. Honestly, I think it was on a par with the beatdown he received from "Bad Boy" Barry Hardy and "Mean" Mike.

And that was just for the cell phone!

Imagine the beatdown that occurred when Rick found out that his laptop had made it's way into that Nether Realm known as "Jeffie's Pants"!

In fact, Jeffie was so worried that Rick would find out about the laptop that he actually tried distracting Joe from sharing that info. Yep, Joe would try to say something, and Jeffie would start giving Joe a massage!

Frighteningly enough...Joe actually seemed to be enjoying it! I mean, he obviously didn't WANT to like it, but apparently Jeffie was hitting some troublesome areas, and Joe seemed to be finding it pleasurable.

Rick eventually heard the truth about the matter from me, and once again, a beatdown commenced. Yep, bad night for Jeffie...

And yet, in the end, it seemed to be a very good night for Joe, as Jeffie continued massaging him.

Ultimately it seemed that, whether he actually wanted it or not, despte his best efforts to resist, Joe was well on this way to concluding the show with a Happy Ending... courtesy of Jeffie.

At least that's what it sounded like from where I was sitting..

Rest assured that there will very likely be repercussions in the coming weeks...
 
 
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September 8, 2012 - Nine Round Visit


Listen to the Show

Playlist
 
Black Sabbath - Zero The Hero
Judas Priest - Riding On The Wind
Lynch Mob - Slow Drag
Tracer - Too Much

The Graviators - A Different Moon
Grave Digger - Medusa
Castle - Curses Of The Priests
Liv Kristine - Meet Me In The Red Sky

Jimmy Fallon - Reading Rainbow
Converge - Wolverine Blues
Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell - Mark Of The Beast
Harm - Another Conspiracy
Svolk - Painbringer

Nine Round - The Disease
Vision Of Disorder - Blood Red Sun
Pro-Pain - A Good Day To Die
Kill Ritual - Old School Thrasher
Texas In July - Bed Of Nails
I Am War - Uninvite Me To Your Facebook Party
Encrust - Engine Of Deceit

Nine Round - Lost In The Fold
Wildestarr - The Pit Or The Pendulum
Hooded Menace - In The Dead We Dwell
Serpentine Path - Bats Amongst Heathens
Candlemass - Dancing In The Temple Of The Mad Queen
South Wicked - Death's Crown

Nine Round - Soldier
Kiss - Hell Or Hallelujah
Down - Witchtripper
Widow Sunday - Faces In Glass
Vore - Doomwhore
The Chariot - Not

Hate Machine - Bring In The Butcher
Vision Of Disorder - The Enemy
Vision Of Disorder - New Order Of Ages
Sybreed - Red Nova Ignition
Napalm Death - Will By Mouth

Creeper - Where The Wild Things Roam
Ektomorf - The Cross
Sepultura - Territory
Testament - Rise Up
Thy Will Be Done - A Lion And A Lamb
Dublin Death Patrol - Blood Sirens
Autumn's End - Gallows

All Hail The Yeti - Axe Murder Hollow
Cryptopsy - Two-Pound Torch
Dead Horse Trauma - Media Showers
Obey The Brave - Live And Learn
MuckRaker - Big Box

The Glory Stompers - Bleed
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Recap by The Metal Wulf

Steve Sarratori and Tommy Dee from 9 Round sat in with us for a few hours this week, bringing us up to date on things in their camp.

Some good shows coming up, for those interested, as they'll be opening for Hed P.E. and Soil this Thursday night at the Montage Music Hall in Rochester, and then you can catch them at Suzy's Tavern alongside Cry To The Blind and Hate Machine on September 22. That show promises to be a KILLER, so get your butts up to Auburn and show some support.

As for new music, the guys are looking to return to the studio in October and hope to have something to share with us by Spring of 2013!

Unless the Aztecs are right, in which case we'll just have to hope they can have it ready by mid-December...

So, in all honesty, there's not a lot of specific craziness that stood out this week, although Jeffie was on hand. He'd been doing roofies, among other things. I'm pretty sure he'd been drowning it all down with bleach, which seems to be his drink of choice.

Jeffie, really man, try Jack Daniels and just leave it at that, okay?

Yep, Jeffie was so messed up that at one point he'd been tasting my tattoos, which was damned awkward...and gross... and slobbery...

Would prefer not to think of that any more, thank you...

And, of course, it always seems that when Jeffie's in this mindframe, he's always in the mood to provide lap dances to a room full of folks who are not even remotely receptive to the idea. Not into it, nope, nope, not at all...

The evening ended with Jeffie so messed up that he was convinced that Josh and I were nothing more than voices in his head.

So, outside of that, the only other thing that bears mention is that once again I experienced a bizarre black-out when Jeffie mentioned something...damn, what was it...some kind of bird reference...hawk?...in the...Obervatory...?...with a candlestick...Nope...not quite...

Hmmmmm...dead hawk...in the...lawn...

WWWHHHHHHHHHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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September 1, 2012 - Jeffie has a big.......

Listen to the Show

Playlist
Judas Priest - Devil's Child
Judas Priest - Bloodstone
Lynch Mob - World Of Change
Ektomorf - Black Flag
Tracer - The Bitch

Doro - Victory
Kiss - King Of the Nightime World
Down - Witchtripper
Black Sabbath - Anno Mundi

Elisium - AGV
Grave Digger - Death Angel And The Grave Digger
Hate Machine - Chainsaw Philosophy
SouthWicked - Graveyard Of Bones
Thy Will Be Done - In The Ways Of The Old

The Chariot - Cheek
Grave - Winds Of Chains
Encrust - Grime Maiden
Dead Cowboy's Sluts - Skull Crusher
Cryptopsy - Two-Pound Torch
Striker - Land Of The Lost

Widow Sunday - The Wave
Vore - The Claw Is The Law
Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell - iDeath
Svolk - Bearserk
Testament - Throne Of Thorns
Zonaria - Gunpoint Salvation

Razoryre - Nightblade
Deception Of A Ghost - Sons Of Sunlight
Castle - Corpse Candles
I Spit Ashes - Cracks In The Mirror
Red Tide Rising - Welcome To Zombietown

Loudness - Keep You Burning
Autumn's End - Gallows
Ex Deo - The Tiberius Cliff (Exile To Capri)
Dublin Death Patrol - Welcome To Hell
The Faceless - In Solitude

Dio - Like The Beat Of A Heart
Ektomorph - Private Hell
GypsyHawk - State Lines
A Hero A Fake - I Have A Knife
Dead Horse Trauma - Night Terrors
Tarja - Dark Star
Obey The Brave - It Starts Today

The Glory Stompers - King Of Emptiness
The Last Vegas - Evil Eyes
Letter To The Exiles - Open Graves
Your Memorial - Redirect
Gideon - Bad Blood
Fetus Stench - Severe Suffering

Nine Round - The Disease
Tracer - Too Much
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Recap by Fire Eater Wizard;

There was a general sense of mirth in the air as we were all incredibly happy to hear of the demise of "Jersey Shore", easily the worst television program to ever taint our home screens. Sadly, I'm sure there will be at least a Snooki spin-off, probably called "Son Of Snooki" or "Spawn Of Snooki", or...

Awwww, fuck it all, who cares...

So, the most memorable moment of the evening was provided by Jeffie, who was claiming to be feedback.

Yeah, I just kind of ignored that, figured it was probably best not to dwell upon it...

Anyhoo, Jeffie had asked if any of us had heard of G.G. Allin, and I've gotta say, it's kinda funny how one relatively simple question can lead to one of the most inappropriate topics ever to be discussed on The Metallic Onslaught.

Those of you who are familiar with G.G. Allin and his body of work know precisely what I'm talking about.

Those of you who don't, well...maybe you shouldn't read any further. Seriously, there's disgusting, and then there's G.G. Allin.

Last chance to back out...

Okay, consider yourself warned.

G.G. Allin was a punk rock artist/performance artist who was known for his utterly vile stage antics as well as highly controversial song topics.

Think Politically WRONG as opposed to Politically Incorrect...

In a nutshell, G.G. wanted to make rock and roll "dangerous" again, and his way of trying to achieve this was by taking shits on stage, throwing it at the fans, covering his body in it, licking it up and spitting it into the crowd...

(I warned you...)

G.G. also claimed that he would someday kill himself onstage, and frequently hinted that he might take one...ummm..."lucky"...fan with him.

But, that would not come to pass, because after his final show in the Big Apple he died of a heroin overdose.

So, yes, this is what Jeffie had encountered on YouTube (amazing that they even allow any of his clips on there...).

He gave us a full report, in fact, mentioning how G.G. got naked onstage, and how he had a small peepee, (Jeffie also assuring us all that his was way bigger. Didn't want to know that...)

And then we all got to hear about G.G. rubbing poop in his beard, and how it was funny that when G.G. threw the poop, some fans would run away in terror, and others would just stand there laughing.

Funny thing, I honestly think Jeffie found this all to be highly disturbing, which makes me think that maybe...just MAAAYBE...there could be a shred of hope for him...

Fuck, who am I kidding? Pfffft...

Speaking of disturbing, we got treated to some highly unwanted Jeffie contact, as he decided to expose himself.

Now, I had my eyes tightly closed for a good portion of this time, so all I can say I truly hope that he was only slapping a kielbasa on the table...and on our heads...and arms...I should probably just let it go from here...horrible memories...seriously...

Some awkwardness ensued when Jeffie mentioned seeing a dead hawk in his lawn. Funny, I just kinda blacked out for a bit every time he brought the subject up...and then the rest of the guys said that I went crazy again, this time reciting childrens' songs and nursery rhymes.

I guess I'll have to listen to the playback to see if there's any truth to to this foolishness...

So, on that note, 9 Round joins us in the studio on the next show, and we're all hopin' to talk them into playing one...JUST ONE!!!!...KISS song, as they're going to have a little acoustic jam for us. Keep your finger's crossed!
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August 25, 2012 - A Jeffie Drunk on Bleach

Playlist
Rush - Headlong Flight
Kiss - Flamin' Youth
Y&T - I Believe In You
Banshee - Taming The Beast

Katatonia - The Parting
Laestrygonia - Lo
Kyng - Trails In Veins
Stratovarius - Burn

Widow Sunday - Faces In Glass
Admiral Sir Cloudesley Shovell - Scratchin' & Sniffin'
Vore - Throne To The Wolves
Grave Digger - Hell Dog
Svolk - Painbringer

Agressive Betty - Incinerator
Woccon - Lament
Orange Goblin - Red Tide Rising
Ex Deo - Along The Appian Way

Tarja - Over The Hills And Far Away
Autumn's End - Arise From Slumber
Black Sabbath - Zero The Hero
Dublin Death Patrol - Dehumanize
Zonaria - Gunpoint Salvation

The Last Vegas - Beat To Hell
Lynch Mob - Slow Drag
Elisium - AGV
Dawn Of The Apocalypse - Ritual Of Nomads
Hate Machine - Bring In The Butcher

Dead Horse Trauma - Night Terrors
The Faceless - Ten Billion Years
Prong - Snap Your Fingers, Snap Your Neck
Fetus Stench - Meat Grinder Flesh Obliteration
Testament - Rise Up
Loudness - Comes The Dawn

Obey The Brave - Live And Learn
MuckRaker - Conman
For The Fallen Dreams - Hollow
Periphery - Luck As A Constant
Fozzy - Shine Forever

Alice In Chains - Dam That River
Letters To The Exiles - Open Graves
Your Memorial - Shipwreck
Gideon - Overthrow
Ire Clad - Little Middle Man
A Hero A Fake - Port Hole

The Chariot - Your
The Chariot - First
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Recap by The Metal Wulf

So, a couple of points to address here before I get to the subjects at hand for this week.

A. Any rumors of me being a Barry Manilow fan are highly, nay, GROSSLY exaggerated, and I can personally assure everybody that I WON'T be attending any of his shows at any point in this current lifetime.

Not fuckin' happenin'...

B. My apologies for my co-hosts for having to endure an evening of thoroughly repulsive gassiness on my part. Really, you had to be there...wait, actually, be thankful you WEREN'T there.Vile, simply vile...

So, with those being addressed, an early discussion came about regarding truck balls.

I'd never even noticed this particular phenomenon until Arydaea Insanity (aka Foul Moth Girl) pointed them out on our way to see Iron Maiden last month. Couldn't believe my eyes, quite frankly. I'm imagining it's how rednecks are currently making up for having small dicks...

Anyhow, further discussion centered around the possibility of video taping members of the Onslaught kicking these truck balls and running away, after leaving a sticker that says "Your balls have been kicked by The Metallic Onslaught".

Okay, I'm not going to go out on a limb and say this is going to definitely happen, but, Hell, keep your eyes on the YouTube channels, you never know what some of us may pull...

I should mention that we were Josh-less on this edition of the show. Josh had a very early Skype interview, literally having to be awake in time to do this at 4 a.m. Now, if Josh would allow himself the tiniest indulgence of allowing caffeine into his system, he may have been able to join us and still pulled his interview off, but he's such a damned Boy Scout sometimes. Sigh...

Seriously, Josh, would it kill ya to drink a pot of coffee every now and again, or chug a couple of Red Bulls? Hell, do like I do and take a tiny little power nap during a music break! You would have been fine!

With that being  said, we all hope his interview went well, and I'm sure we'll find out how the whole thing turned out this Friday.

Jeffie arrived, completely tanked on bleach. I mean, we're talking worse than usual. Seriously, the guy was totally fucking incoherent, mumbling something about eating a cloud, or maybe it was a clown?

There was some speculation that maybe he was eating his pillow, which prompted further speculation that maybe a clown was making him bite the pillow...

Fun imagery, isn't it?

He was also playing with a pet rabbit that he claimed to be keeping in his pouch, like a marsupial. Now, this is a strange claim, especially in light of his denial to having frog DNA. What, now he wants us to think he's a kangaroo?

Well, maybe a giant koala...?

He'd also brought up some nonsense about a fan on YouTube wanting to see my belly, but we're really not going to dwell on that.

Seriously, for those who want to see it, check out No Pants Day video from both 2011 and 2012, it's all there to behold. Just don't blame me when you get that urge to gouge your eyes out with a salad fork...

Jeffie also broke out his interview segment for the first time in quite some time. For those unfamiliar, this segment is entitled "Long And Deep With Jeffie, Filling It Up And Packing It In, Still With No Llamas"... ('cuz I, as Wulfie, ate his Llamas...) This night's victim was Tim Binder, who will soon be returning to L.A. until the holidays arrive. Jeffie grilled Tim about his music tastes, and Tim proceeded to go on and on about how he likes a lot of things, like Rick Astley and Aerosmith...and George Michael and Motley Crue...and Death Cab For Cutie...

Having gotten this dose of the world thru Tim's eyes, Jeffie promptly blinded Tim, and was subsequently covered in Tim's eye goo...

Gross...

So, with all that being said, all that's left to announce is that 9 Round will be joining us in studio in the coming weeks, and will be performing a set of acoustic numbers for us. We're all hoping that if we ask nicely, REEEEAAAALLLLY nicely, mind you...maybe they'll break out a KISS song for us...'cuz some of us love our KISS!

Here's to hopin'!
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