June 10, 2016 - Nathan Returns for More Sit Ups!

  • Published in 2016

NathanRecap by Randy Metalwulf: We saw the return of Nathan this week, and I was pretty quick to remind him of something that happened when he last visited. As you’ll recall, Nathan concluded that show by performing sit-ups while straddling my head...
I made sure that he knew there’s some payback in the works for that, but first I’ve gotta make sure this knee has been properly tended to.
Speaking of the knee, the Denial Game continues, as these guys still think I’m attempting to ditch out on my death match with Jeffie. That is not the case at all, it’s going to happen. It just has to wait until a bit later down the line, hopefully before the summer is over.
Joe insists that I need to begin training immediately, even going so far as to suggest I lose about 240 pounds. Unfortunately, that would put me at approximately 90 pounds, a weight that even Nathan would be able to knock over just by breathing.
Then there was the suggestion that they just trim the excess off of me with a chainsaw, which is pretty obviously not an option. Also laughable was the idea that I should race Nathan, which would be ludicrous even if I didn’t have a bum knee.
Azkath was so insistent that I was okay that he decided to test my reflexes, proceeding to knock my good knee with a hammer, and then moving on to the bad knee. Pretty sure he did me no favors.
To top it all off, because Nathan is kinda like MacGyver in this respect, a lie detector test was constructed on the spot. Normally I’d say Nathan is fully capable of pulling off something like that. Seriously, this kid is an electronics whiz. But, in this instance, he was able to construct a completely malfunctional lie detector, because I got zapped every time I told the truth. Talk about your epic fails...
Speaking of fails, Joe related a story about how he’d been craving a banana split, and coming up short when his wife went to order one, only to learn that the shop was out of bananas. She was then asked if she still wanted the banana split, which was pretty pointless when it all boiled down.

Much to my chagrin, the evening once again ended with Nathan firmly planted on my head, with more sit-ups commencing from there.
He’ll get his...just give it time...


September 18, 2015 - Jumping off the Barn Happy Fun Time Show!

  • Published in 2015

JoshandNathanThis show came along following the End Of Summer Metal Meltdown in Clyde, NY. Happy to say it was a solid event, with a great turnout, which really comes as no surprise, considering the fan base in our area. Always good to see people coming together to support local music!

Josh and I had been sharing out some Archway cookies on this evening, although Nathan seemed to be feeling guilty about indulging himself. Honestly, considering that he weighs less than 50 pounds and could potentially get blown all the way to Oz in a stiff breeze, I don't think a few cookies were going to really be a problem for our Brony friend. Joe did take a bit of offense when Nathan started eyeing his cherry pie, even making the obvious Warrant reference. Joe wasn't havin' it, though, and suggested that perhaps Nathan could eat the box...as it turns out, this was likely one of the dirtiest double-entendres in Metallic Onslaught history. Pretty sure none of us have a problem eating the box, Joe!

We were actually a little concerned about Nathan's well-being, considering all the damage he'd been put through in recent weeks. I mean, between getting Spanky's horn rammed up his ass (yes, it's confirmed, that horn went straight into the ol' starfish...), and then all the punishment we'd dealt him the prior week, well, it's only natural that the guy may not have been feeling up to snuff. I think we all felt bad for an entire two minutes, and then got on with the show...

Somehow Babymetal got mentioned, and we were reminded that Joe has still not been exposed to them. Luckily, Josh is almost never without his laptop, so we found some YouTube content. Sadly, the video just sat there buffering, so Joe was unable to take in said YouTube content. Which is a shame, because love 'em or hate 'em, you really need to see it to fully appreciate it.

Azkath had gotten it into his head that I would show my skills as a stuntman on this evening by throwing myself off the top of the barn. As a matter of fact, the way he put it was that we were going to have "Shove-You-Off-The-Roof-Happy-Fun-Time". I think it should go without saying that I wasn't buying it for a second. Oddly enough, and I don't remember how this happened, I ended up taking a warm-up plunge from the roof of our current recording space. I believe I ended up landing on a metal table, and was pretty sure I'd broken a number of bones. In fact, my right arm in particular seemed to have been damaged horrifically...yet I was in no pain. In fact, it was only a short time before it seemed like the arm was completely healed! Weird how that happens...but not as weird as Azkath's suggestion that perhaps the pain was a figment of my imagination. He, in fact, went so far as to suggest that perhaps they were all figments of my imagination...which is just silly...

As for the barn, I swore up and down all night that there was going to be absolutely NO jumping off. I mean, not only is it one hell of a climb to the top of that damned thing, but there are also numerous coyotes roaming about Azkath's domain, and rumor has it that they've somehow been acquiring meth. Now, I don't know about you, but climbing to the top of a barn while meth coyotes are nipping at my heels is NOT my idea of a good time! And this is where I things get weird again...I have vague memories of being on top of the barn, but no idea how I got up there. Thankfully, I don't remember seeing any meth coyotes...yet, I do seem to remember falling and hitting some steps...and then...nothing...

Yet, here I am, typing this recap, so maybe it really was all a figment of my imagination!

- Metal Wulf


September 11, 2015 - Nathan Abuse

  • Published in 2015

MOWe had David Henninger join us this week for a bit of last-minute promoting for the End Of Summer Metal Meltdown show at Donselaar's in Clyde, NY. This show was actually considered to be a "part 2" to Finger Lakes Metal Fest, and featured a solid lineup of ten local bands. All said and done, it was a great way to cap the summer off!

I got my balls busted a bit for taking in a Salt N' Pepa performance while visiting the NY State Fair. As a matter of fact, Azkath suggested that I may have outdone myself, having seen a potentially worse show than Jackyl five years ago. Truth is, my girlfriend and I were enjoying a bit of lunch in the vicinity of Chevy Court (where the show took place), and we decided to check it out for a bit...and ended up watching the whole thing! Okay, so it ain't metal. Truth is, I'm not the only person on the Metallic Onslaught who's been to a hip-hop show, and Salt N' Pepa actually came from a time frame where I didn't really dislike that kind of music...at least, not as much as I do these days. But, in all honesty, Rick and Josh have been to hip-hop shows that could be considered to measure higher on the bad-ass scale, such as Snoop Dogg, Wu Tang Clan, Ice Cube, Public Enemy...and by comparison... I saw Salt N' Pepa... Okay, so maybe I deserved that ball-busting just a little...it was still a fun way to kill an hour at the fair!

Nathan returned once again. In the days following his previous visit, he'd actually posted a photo of him on his bathroom scales, with the weight showing 131 pounds. We all called shenanigans, of course, because those could have been anybodys feet showing in that pic. Besides, I'm still pretty convinced that Nathan might weigh about 57 pounds right before a good dump... Truth be told, we like Nathan. It's always good to have fresh blood on the show. As a matter of fact, we all took turns attempting to spill some of that blood throughout the evening! In all honesty, Nathan HAS stated that he'd like to be put through a table, so it's not like he's an unwilling participant! I can't remember specifically how it all began, but Joe decided that he really wanted to superkick Nathan out of his chair, which he did...TWICE! This led to a demonstration of Josh's mastery of Air-Fu (it's a sight to see, lemme tell ya!), and I was able to get an Atomic Drop on the little guy in the early going. Good thing for Nathan there was a nice, cushiony leather couch set up near the barn for us to throw him into! Things got a little weird after a bit, though. As the abuse continued, I felt compelled to protect Nathan. Every time somebody went to take a shot at him, I'd have to intervene. This was an insane contradiction, as I genuinely wanted to take part in the abuse, but for some reason, I couldn't bring myself to lift a finger against him. I just wanted to continue stopping everybody else. And then things got stranger, because no matter how badly I wanted to protect Nathan, I couldn't interfere with anything Azkath was doing! My brain's hurting just thinking about the moral dilemmma. I mean, look at it this way. I WANTED to hurt Nathan...but I couldn't! I felt compelled to protect Nathan...but I couldn't, at least not from Azkath. Before the night was over, though, things seemed to balance themselves out once again, and I was able to body slam Nathan onto the couch and follow it up with a couple of splashes. We all got in on it, actually, with the worst possibly coming from Rick, who chokeslammed out little Brony onto the couch. Yes, I'd say that Nathan has been well and truly initiated into the fold.

- Metal Wulf


September 4, 2015 - Nathan Returns

  • Published in 2015

MOWe were visited once again by Nathan Bobbett, who shared some Brony-Con stories with us, probably the most amusing of which was how there was a noticeable lack of heavy metal music. This forced him to take breaks in his hotel room to get his fix of brutality. Nathan claimed, on this evening, to be approximately 134 pounds, but we weren't convinced. Azkath is pretty sure he's doing what some professional wrestlers do, exaggerating his weight to appear heavier than he really is...which is approximately 55 pounds soaking wet...give or take. He also got to finally meet Spanky, which is only fair as he was the one to...ummmm...father our centaur/unicorn...thing. Nathan was almost immediately scooped up by Spanky's horn, possibly getting his rectal cavity ruptured. Spanky tossed Nathan on his back before darting off for a run through the nearby woods. The sound of clopping hooves and agonzed screams filled the countryside.

I had some Jeffie sightings throughout the evening, usually when I stepped out among the trees to pee. Nobody else has seen him, and Azkath insists that there have been no signs of Jeffie being back among us. My argument to that, of course, is that if Jeffies' ghost is haunting me, there wouldn't be any physical evidence to be found. I was so afraid to urinate at one point that Azkath and Josh joined me, just for company's sake. Of course, they took that opportunity to taunt me, actually frightening me in the process...causing me to pee on myself. Never a fun time... I got so frightened that I actually ran deeper among the trees...and then lost track of things, waking up to find myself tied to a chair in the barn, where Azkath found me. And, now Azkath seems to think I did this to myself, and doesn't believe for a moment that Jeffie is actually haunting me, which is utterly ridiculous...but it's a bit hard to prove that I'm actually on the level. What can I say? Hopefully time will tell!

-Metal Wulf


June 26, 2015 - Joe's Birthday Present

  • Published in 2015

The FridgeNathan Bobbett joined us once again this evening, and Josh declared him a hair buddy. As a matter of fact, Josh even went so far as to say he was adopting Nathan. Nice to see Josh making new friends!

Jeffie had popped in another video mix to entertain us this week, this one from a site called Whore Church. Disturbing doesn't even begin to describe some of the content, which consisted of clips from an assortment of horror and porn films, plus some other twisted things. There were moments where I was asked to describe what we were watching on the screen, and in the interest of keeping things somewhat clean for the show, I could not even begin to describe them.
Yep, it was THAT bad...

As you may recall, the previous week ended with Jeffie and I giving Joe a birthday lap dance, which resulted in a substantial amount of carnage as the show was in its' closing moments. Well, that wasn't the end of the carnage, far from it in fact. More on that in a bit, though.
Jeffie has a special song that he plays every year in celebration of Joe's birthday, and every year he claims that he's improved on it and made it more and more awesome. This has been going on for a number of years, and to be honest, the best part of the song is the second half, where we hear Jeffie being whipped into submission.
Honestly, I just cannot hear enough of that.
This year, in addition to the latest version of Joe's birthday song, Jeffie brought a special present for Joe. A LARGE present...too large to fit inside the new digs, in fact.
The gift turned out to be an old, rusted refrigerator which Joe promptly put to good use when the beatings began. In truth, Jeffie was treated to what was likely one of the worst pummelings he'd endured since we had Mean Mike and "Bad Boy" Barry Hardy on the show a few years back. Unfortunately, Nathan got caught in the middle of the chaos. Considering Nathan may weigh a total forty pounds soaking wet, we were all pretty amazed that he wasn't snapped in half like a twig before it was all over.
Sorry, Nathan, but those are the risks you're bound to take if ya wanna hang with this crowd!


June 13, 2015 - Nathan's Debut on The Onslaught

  • Published in 2015

MOJeffie made what I suppose was meant to be an ominous announcement early on in the evening, stating, "The Bigfeets are active."
There are NO Bigfeets...so I'm not worried...end of story.

We were also being attacked throughout the evening by what we first thought to be Mothra...but actually turned out to be a very large, annoying cicada...

We had a special guest with us this evening, as Nathan Bobbett joined us.
Nathan is one of Azkath's newest co-hosts on The Last Exit For The Lost. Nathan is a Brony...and also, weird as this may sound...the father of my...well, Mandy's...yeah, you get the picture...
Yes, Nathan was the unfortunate victim of Mandy's out of control hormones on No Pants Day and he is technically the baby daddy of this...thing...growing inside of me...and I really don't want to discuss this overly much. It's insane to think about, especially when Jeffie throws out little tidbits like, "How are you going to deliver the baby?", and "Are you going to have to turn back into Mandy when it's time to have the baby?"
Neither of those questions, of course, have any real answer...at least none that I care to speculate about. All I know is this kid is growin' unbelievably fast, and I have no clue as to how we're going to get it out. As a matter of fact, I think something may have been mentioned about a "Chainsaw C-Section"...which just makes me wanna find a cave to hide in for the next couple months...
Interesting side note: When Joe found out Nathan's last name was Bobbett, hilarity ensued as the "Lorena" jokes started spewing forth. Now, Nathan assured us that the spelling is different, but Joe's not buying it for a second.

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