Recap by Randy: Once again, Joe’s week was made because he got to kick the show off by playing his favorite Alice Cooper song! It was, after all, Friday the 13th! Can’t believe he keeps denying how much he hates the song, he’s really not fooling any of us.
We saw the return of Rick this week, as he’d missed out on No Pants Day by going to see Soulfly in Rochester that night. There were eleven bands on that bill, so I’m pretty sure he’d been camping out since at least Sunday night...possibly Saturday...
We had to take a moment to discuss a sad occurrence in our local music scene, as it had been announced that the Eagle Hotel in Lodi was closing it’s doors, possibly for good. Kristin Jennings had really set herself apart by hosting metal shows in that tiny little town, and we all appreciate the efforts made by her and her staff. Everybody who attended a show there were treated like family. The venue will be sorely missed, and we wish them all our very best.
Poor KnownAsJosh seemed to be completely at a loss, as I’d taken possession of the train whistle early in the evening, effectively “Choo-choo blocking” him. In fact, at one memorable moment of the show, he seemed to be reaching for the whistle, only to find Joe’s soda bottle. Hilariously, it looked like he was attempting to...well...”stroke” the bottle...
He finally decided he’d had enough and promptly retrieved the whistle from me, which seemed to be fine with everybody else, as I couldn’t seem to achieve the volume levels that he’s able to. I chalk it up to too many years of inhaling tobacco smoke...
Joe had mentioned reading about Tab being linked to some deaths, so it appears that he’s officially sworn off it. He did, however, suggest that Jeffie should start drinking it by the vat.
Speaking of Jeffie, it appears that whoever loses our Three Stages Of Hell Death Match will have to be the man-servant for the winner, for a period of one month. So, now I not only get to look forward to killing him twice, I also get to plot all the fun things I’m gonna do to humiliate him for an entire month!
Hell yeah, life is GOOD!

Recap by Randy Metalwulf: We started things off by running down the details of Finger Lakes Metal fest 2016 one more time. As of this writing, the event has come and gone, but we’ll get to that at a later time, as I’m sure there will be plenty of discussion on the next show.
Jeffie read an article regarding something called Cowbell Hero, made by the creators of Guitar Hero for people who can’t seem to master the complex gameplay of the latter. We were all a bit suspicious of this as Jeffie started reading off the songs to be included on the game. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but Metallica’s “Master Of Puppets” did not have a single cowbell anywhere to be found. Same with any song by Slayer, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, or Led Zeppelin.
Okay, I stand corrected on Sabbath. “Megalomania” did feature cowbell...can’t say for sure regarding Zeppelin or AC/DC, my memory doesn’t quite serve me well enough. The point being, of course, that we were pretty sure this was a complete gag article, but Jeffie will pretty much believe anything he reads on the internet.
Jeffie keeps trying to pull off episodes of Racist Randy...
I’m a banana
Dammit...why does that keep happening?
Anyhow, I keep telling him that I’m not even remotely racist...
I’m a banana
FUCK!!!
Okay, this is weird. Anytime I even think the word racist...
I’m a banana
Can’t remember how we got on the subject, but Joe had mentioned that Jeffie had hurt his feelings. I decided to bust his balls a bit and told him to stop being so butthurt. Rick then called me out because I’d been offended the week before when he literally aimed his ass at my face before leaving, and farted in my direction. Now, contrary to what Rick suggested, I did not go home and eat Panda Paws ice cream while douching (basically his way of calling me a pussy...), but it did strike me as a bit rude. And, while my ass may occasionally be a sewage hole, as Jeffie has claimed, at no point have I ever intentionally aimed my ass at anybody on this show. Of course, it has also been said that it isn’t necessary for me to aim my ass in any direction.
Anyhow, the concept of my ass being a sewage hole brought up an entirely different discussion as Joe started making references to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This went and triggered a further discussion about a recent porn parody I’d seen called Ten-Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, much to the dismay of the other guys. Not that I went into graphic detail, mind you, but let’s face it, that flick probably ruined some childhoods...
Things got worse somehow when Jeffie asked me what other kind of porn I’m into, and to be honest, I don’t watch a great deal of it. Don’t have anything against it, mind you, just not the be-all end-all of my existence. I was honest about this. And I was also honest when Jeffie asked me what my fetishes were. Not like we’ve never discussed this on the show before, and I’ve really got nothing to hide. There is no shame in being a leg man. Some guys like boobs, I like legs and tush. And if those legs happen to be covered in nylon, be it in the form of pantyhose or stockings, so much the better. No shame, actually a pretty common thing, like it or not, so I’ve got nothing to apologize for.
Somehow things progressed to Jeffie asking what Josh’s fetishes were. Quite frankly, I’d be more worried about Josh, because it seem that he is really into tanks. And people say my fetish is weird. Jeffie even speculated as to whether or not Josh actually “went off” like a tank, and NOBODY wanted to think about that.
Joe’s fetish, it seems, is Jeffie death, which probably makes him some lower grade of necrophiliac, but who am I to judge?

Recap by Randy MetalWulf: And the denial continues!
Yep, nobody believes the issues with my knee are real, nobody believes I’m having surgery (less than a day away as of this writing), and everybody believes that I’m afraid to face Jeffie in that stupid death match! Oh, and apparently I’m officially the “Eeyore” of the Metallic Onslaught...
Look, the match is gonna happen! Just not now! If all goes well, we can do this long before summer is over! Joe even insisted that I was having crying jags when he came to train me, insisted that all I did was whine about being afraid of Jeffie, blah, blah, blah...hell, he even claimed to have a jar of my tears! LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!
And then Azkath comes along and says that he may not be able to clone me in between matches (this is best of three deaths, after all), although he has a huge storage facility with tons of back-up Jeffies. But, apparently it’s more difficult to clone me, and there may be difficulties doing so this time. So, I guess they’re going to have to go with necromancy to raise me from the dead, assuming Jeffie succeeds in killing me even once...
Speaking of Jeffie, he showed up to rub his supposed training regimen in my face, part of which has been lifting a towel with his...you know. Yeah, apparently he dangles weights from the towel. What he plans on doing with that thing when we have the actual match is anyone’s guess. I cringe just thinking about it...which made it worse when he confiscated my phone and took pics of the results.
Imagine a wart on a fettuccine noodle...
He also took the time to tell us about this new game he invented...pee pinball. Literally, you control the flippers with your urinary control. I’ll just leave that thought there for your brain to process, and perhaps you’ll understand why Jeffies have been routinely killed off over the years.
Joe felt the need to really get under my nerves with some stupid business regarding my thoughts on Richie Sambora not touring with Bon Jovi. I made it quite clear that I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything to do with that band, or it’s members, or the majority of their fan base, as far as that goes. As a matter of fact, I’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty to make it abundantly clear that I hate Bon Jovi almost more than any other 80’s artist. (Of them all...I hate only Britny Fox and Winger more...).
And yes, fine, it hasn’t always been that way. There was a time when I actually liked to listen to a bit of Bon Jovi. I was never a huge fan, but there was some decent music on the first two albums. It wasn’t until Slippery When Wet came out and got smeared all over the airwaves and MTV that I really began to despise them.
But, Joe insisted on getting my opinion, and I gave it...and made it necessary for Azkath to edit some bad words from the broadcast, despite making a strong effort to not curse.
I think that Bon Jovi conversation was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I got so fed up with Joe later in the evening that I made a confession. I mean, I’m all for having this death match after I’ve healed, but I admitted that I’m glad we won’t be able to do it for Joe’s birthday. After all, my victory was going to be a birthday gift for Joe, but if he’s going to be such a complete dick, I really don’t want to give him a birthday gift!
Yep, fuck that guy, I’m GLAD this has to wait!

Recap by Randy Metalwulf: We saw the return of Nathan this week, and I was pretty quick to remind him of something that happened when he last visited. As you’ll recall, Nathan concluded that show by performing sit-ups while straddling my head...
I made sure that he knew there’s some payback in the works for that, but first I’ve gotta make sure this knee has been properly tended to.
Speaking of the knee, the Denial Game continues, as these guys still think I’m attempting to ditch out on my death match with Jeffie. That is not the case at all, it’s going to happen. It just has to wait until a bit later down the line, hopefully before the summer is over.
Joe insists that I need to begin training immediately, even going so far as to suggest I lose about 240 pounds. Unfortunately, that would put me at approximately 90 pounds, a weight that even Nathan would be able to knock over just by breathing.
Then there was the suggestion that they just trim the excess off of me with a chainsaw, which is pretty obviously not an option. Also laughable was the idea that I should race Nathan, which would be ludicrous even if I didn’t have a bum knee.
Azkath was so insistent that I was okay that he decided to test my reflexes, proceeding to knock my good knee with a hammer, and then moving on to the bad knee. Pretty sure he did me no favors.
To top it all off, because Nathan is kinda like MacGyver in this respect, a lie detector test was constructed on the spot. Normally I’d say Nathan is fully capable of pulling off something like that. Seriously, this kid is an electronics whiz. But, in this instance, he was able to construct a completely malfunctional lie detector, because I got zapped every time I told the truth. Talk about your epic fails...
Speaking of fails, Joe related a story about how he’d been craving a banana split, and coming up short when his wife went to order one, only to learn that the shop was out of bananas. She was then asked if she still wanted the banana split, which was pretty pointless when it all boiled down.

Much to my chagrin, the evening once again ended with Nathan firmly planted on my head, with more sit-ups commencing from there.
He’ll get his...just give it time...