Seriah Azkath

October 15, 2011 - Randy gets Hypnotized

Recap by The Metal Wulf 
Had a very strange night in some regards. Azkath from The Last Exit For The Lost had paid a brief visit, and for some reason I get a little fuzzy-headed when he's around. No worries, though... not like the guy can hypnotize me or anything... Still, it sure would be nice to know how in the Hell I was capable of sprouting a furry, claw-covered paw. Talk about messed up! Then the guys tried to convince me I was a werewolf, which is utterly ridiculous, of course. Those goofy fellas, I tell ya...
There was also some confusion regarding the return of the Plant From Hell. Honestly, wasn't sure if it was the same spiky-leafed monstrosity in a different planter, or if it was the terrible Spawn Of Plant From Hell. Whatever the case, I wasn't getting too close. I've still got the scars on my butt cheeks to remind me not to fool around with that thing in the room... Talked about last weeks Primus show at the Main Street Armory in Rochester. Great show, and as predicted most of us spent the week with Les Claypool bass-lines playing in our heads. Some folks may have been a little disappointed with the setlst, which was kind of sparse on hits, but everything was played to perfection. That, and we got two full sets of music, as the entire new album (Green Naugauhyde) was played front to back. Overall, no complaints!

One of the funnier moments in the show last night came during a discussion of Thanksgiving. This was a prime example of just how far off the beaten path we can get, and end up spiralling downward until we crash and burn. Honestly, I dont' remember how we got to discussing Thanksgiving, but from there I mentioned something about Turducken. If you've never heard of it, Turducken is a multi-bird roast, and is a pretty hot item among Cajun-style foods. Literally, it's a de-boned chicken, stuffed into a de-boned duck, stuffed into a de-boned turkey, also stuffed with a breadcrumb mixture or sometimes sausage. Just for those who have no clue as to what the Hell I'm talking about, mind you... So, we went from discussing that (which, let's face it, was already going off the beaten path), and less than two minutes later we're discussing John Madden and former WWE Women's Champion, Chyna, doing a porno flick together. For the life of me, I don't know how we made that jump. Logically, there was nothing there to sensibly connect Thanksgiving to John Madden getting freaky with Chyna. It made no sense... But damn it was funny! Seriously, it was such a diversion from the original topic that Joe felt it was necessary to play that new LuLu song (Metallica/Lou Reed collaboration, god-awful, in case you were wondering...) for added ambience. Much to our dismay, of course, because the song blows. Yet, Joe keeps insisting that we love it, so he keeps playing it... But yeah, sometimes it really doesn't take much to throw us off the beaten path and straight down the side of a big ol' hard rockin' cliff... Crash and burn!

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October 8, 2011 - Just Joe's Birthday

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

So, if you were tuned in this week, you know that I was ousted from the show early. Somehow I ended up by the road with a For Free sign tied around my neck... Good thing Bill was passing by at around that time, 'cuz who the Hell knows where I may have ended up otherwise? Thanks a bunch, guys, I won't forget this one...

Anyhoo, I probably deserved it, considering I'd consumed some Zatarain's Red Beans and Rice before the show, and the results were a little worse than normal... (Worse meaning that Jeffie ended up comparing the smell to dead Sea Monkeys...25-year-dead Sea Monkeys, to be precise...) Okay, I'm kind of a gassy guy, and yeah, everybody's right, it doesn't seem to matter what I eat! Maybe I should just starve myself? Either that , or just accept things for what they are and just go for broke every week. Maybe I'll have a whole bunch of broccoli and taco dip before the next show! Mmmmm... (No worries, I'm not actually a big fan of broccoli...)

Anyway, from a music perspective, there was a bit of a mixed bag for some of us. I mean, Joe played "Mad Dog" by Anvil, a song I hadn't heard since the 80's. Seriously, the last time I'd heard that song was on Bob Appel's old show, The Rock Shop. The good old days... So, yeah, that was pretty awesome. However, Joe decided that we deserved to hear that Metallica/Lou Reed song again. Now, this collaboration has officially been dubbed LuLu...although, as much as I love Metallica (and I really do, don't get me wrong...), the majority of us on the Onslaught seem to think that the name should be changed to PuPu... Okay, the music itself really isn't terrible. It's mostly Lou Reed's involvement that turns this into a huge pile of shit, at least in my book. And face it, Lars' drumming in recent years hasn't been so great. Can't put my finger on it, but there is definitely something missing from his old sound...

Now, as if that weren't bad enough, he also tossed in some more Bulletboys from their recent cover album, as well as some Michael Schenker with Robin McCauley (a little lame, I'm sad to say, and I seem to remember that line-up of MSG actually being pretty good...), Five Finger Death Punch (hate 'em, just don't care for this band, never have...), and a truly awful track from Maylene and The Sons Of Disaster, a band that Joe actually liked an album or so ago. Oddly enough, the best song that came out of that Set Of Pain (as I have dubbed it...) was the Bulletboys track, a cover of Scorpions "Falling In Love". In fact, we all agreed that Bulletboys actually IMPROVED on the original. (Honestly, not that big of a feat, if you ask me, and I'm actually a fan of the Scorps...) Redemption for this set came a little later, as Joe played some Charred Walls Of The Damned, which features former Judas Priest vocalist Tim "Ripper" Owens, and was pretty freakin' good! He also backed that up with some classic Priest in the form of "Desert Plains", so the night really wasn't a complete bust!

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October 1, 2011 - Jeffie Gets Naked

Recap by The Metal Wulf;
Lots and lots of new music, as anticipated. It's a busy time o' year, that's for damned sure! Not that I'm complaining, 'cuz some of this stuff is pretty kick-ass! Case in point: Worship Music by Anthrax!! Such a great disc, it's a shame I've gotta settle for a burned copy for the time being. I'll have the real thing in my hands before too long. If you're a fan, you need to purchase it, NOW!!! One of the best of the year, mark my words! We played some tracks from Wayne Static's "Pighammer"  disc, really good stuff to be honest, but then I always thought Static-X were cool as hell, anyway. Some of this new stuff  is almost danceable, but I'll let you be the judge of whether or not that's a good thing. Me, well, I fully admit to movin' a bit, here and there... The new Machine Head is incredible, at least what I've heard from it so far. Another case of, if you're a fan, it's fully worty of your collection. I'm definitely looking forward to hearing  more. Folks seem a little on the fence about the new Opeth release (Heritage), both production-wise and vocally. Personally, the clean vocals don't bother me in the least, but I'm more of an old-school fan, anyway. Back when I started listening to this stuff, there was no such thing as growling in metal! And now I'm starting to sound old... Shit... Anyhoo, I've no complaints about anything I've heard off of Heritage. Once again, be your own judge, don't be swayed by the rantings of others. You've got a brain, so think for yerself, dammit! Of course, not everything that's coming is completely killer. Definitely wasn't overwhelmed by the Bulletboys cover of Accept's "Balls To The Wall". This track features a puzzling mega-phone-like effect during the main verses, completely unnecessary. Marq Torien is actually a damned good singer, and I just don't get it. He should have just gone...well...balls to the wall with it... And then Joe subjected us to a complete travesty.

Okay, I'm no big fan of Lou Reed, right out of the starting gate. Really, I just don't care about the guy. On the other hand, I really do love Metallica, especially the older stuff. I mean, say what you will about them now, but the first three albums are bona-fide classics. Whoever thought that combining the talents of both parties, though, should be systematically hung, drawn, quartered, and fed piece by piece to a pack of starving, rabid poodles. The track in question, called "The View", is utterly disappointing. I mean, I really wanted to give it an honest try, and I'm just not feelin' it. But hey, once again, that's just me, and if you think it's something you'd be interested in, by all means check it out.

We'd gotten into Joe's current sinus discomfort. He's not one to suffer from seasonal allergies or anything like that, but somehow he was just really congested. I'd mentioned how this is actually a rough time of year for me, telling how the goldenrod tends to kick my ass. That's goldenrod, the plant, NOT Golden Rod the sex toy as some would have suggested... Ahem...

Let's see... Jeffie received a phone call from Azkath during the show, and started to mention something about eight owls. Now, a few months ago, that would have sent everyone into mass panic. Actually, it almost did last night, but I had a thought. I told Jeffie to go ahead and pass the message along, which is, in case you've forgotten, is "There are eight owls in my tree".
Previously, this would have triggered full-on Viking-rage in me, and Olaf would have come out for a visit, but, strangely, that didn't happen. Which is completely fine by me, because that guy was completely out of his mind! Must be that the head trauma that spawned Olaf in the first place didn't apply after I'd been cloned! Fine by me!

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September 24, 2011 - Dave Returns!

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Recap by The Metal Wulf;

Well, it was pretty much back to the normal routine after skipping a show to take in a Last Exit For The Lost Presents event at The Haunt in Ithaca. That particular show featured Sanjuro Fields, Psyche Corporation, The Lobster Quadrille, and Zadoc...& The Nightmare, and kicked ass from beginning to end. Not a metal show as such, but a great evening of very different sounds and styles, and there's not a damned thing wrong with that! And that was just five days after Rick, Bill, Erica, and myself had taken in another incredible show at The Montage in Rochester. That one featured DevilDriver with Skeletonwitch, Chthonic, and locals Othin opening the whole thing. Gotta say this: Chthonic are fucking INCREDIBLE, and if you missed their show this time, you need to make it a point to check them out if they come back through the area. You will NOT be disappointed!

Anyhoo, so much for playing catch-up... Our most recent show could best be described as special. And if you tuned in, you know just how "special" I mean... Dave hadn't joined us in studio in over two years. Bear in mind, that last visit was the night of the Super Dave Challenge, where Joe got screwed out of $10,000. I think Joe might still be a little pissed about that... Of course, pairing Dave up with Jeffie is never a good thing. I think the only thing that would have made the night lean more toward catastrophe would be if Just Joe were included in the mayhem, and I don't think any of us would survive that. Hmmmmm, maybe I need to stop tempting fate...

I've gotta say this: I LOVE taunting Dave about the whole wolf thing. After the whole hoax thing was revealed, it was always funny seeing Dave in Ithaca and telling him, "Hey, Dave, I'm not really a wolf!" Seriously, any other time watching a grown man/child cry would NOT be funny in the least, but with Dave, it's fucking HILARIOUS! Well, I made Dave's night during his visit when I told him that now I really AM a werewolf, thanks to Jeffie's genetic tamperings. Yep, Dave was pretty damned chirpy after telling him that! Unfortunately, it was the wrong time of the month to make the most of the "good" news. Good for Dave, anyway...

So, we'd asked Jeffie where he was the week before, as he had said he'd be at The Haunt. He claimed that he and Dave had gone to the wrong club. As in, the kind of club where dollars go into g-strings... GUY'S g-strings... Apparently Dave walked out with a lotta singles that night... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!

Didn't take long for things to degenerate into silliness, as what could only be defined as a tickly orgy ensued, getting almost everybody involved. If I had to judge, I'd almost have to say that Josh is probably the most ticklish of the Onslaught crew. I'm sure he'll appreciate my sharing that! (C'mon Josh, you know you're fine with the ladies knowing you're ticklish!)

The evening culminated with a wrestling match between Dave and Jeffie, that further degenerated into more tickling and just general pandemonium. Jeffie even called for some play by play, so I attempted to provide my best Jim Ross (WWE announcer) impersonation. Probably failed miserably, as well, but it's all cool.

And, yeah, that's pretty much the most pertinent of the evening's events. I mean, there was mention at some point in the latter part of the evening about my "Smurf-kini", but I'm sure folks would rather just not hear the gory details regarding that...

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