October 8, 2011 - Just Joe's Birthday

  • Published in 2011

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

So, if you were tuned in this week, you know that I was ousted from the show early. Somehow I ended up by the road with a For Free sign tied around my neck... Good thing Bill was passing by at around that time, 'cuz who the Hell knows where I may have ended up otherwise? Thanks a bunch, guys, I won't forget this one...

Anyhoo, I probably deserved it, considering I'd consumed some Zatarain's Red Beans and Rice before the show, and the results were a little worse than normal... (Worse meaning that Jeffie ended up comparing the smell to dead Sea Monkeys...25-year-dead Sea Monkeys, to be precise...) Okay, I'm kind of a gassy guy, and yeah, everybody's right, it doesn't seem to matter what I eat! Maybe I should just starve myself? Either that , or just accept things for what they are and just go for broke every week. Maybe I'll have a whole bunch of broccoli and taco dip before the next show! Mmmmm... (No worries, I'm not actually a big fan of broccoli...)

Anyway, from a music perspective, there was a bit of a mixed bag for some of us. I mean, Joe played "Mad Dog" by Anvil, a song I hadn't heard since the 80's. Seriously, the last time I'd heard that song was on Bob Appel's old show, The Rock Shop. The good old days... So, yeah, that was pretty awesome. However, Joe decided that we deserved to hear that Metallica/Lou Reed song again. Now, this collaboration has officially been dubbed LuLu...although, as much as I love Metallica (and I really do, don't get me wrong...), the majority of us on the Onslaught seem to think that the name should be changed to PuPu... Okay, the music itself really isn't terrible. It's mostly Lou Reed's involvement that turns this into a huge pile of shit, at least in my book. And face it, Lars' drumming in recent years hasn't been so great. Can't put my finger on it, but there is definitely something missing from his old sound...

Now, as if that weren't bad enough, he also tossed in some more Bulletboys from their recent cover album, as well as some Michael Schenker with Robin McCauley (a little lame, I'm sad to say, and I seem to remember that line-up of MSG actually being pretty good...), Five Finger Death Punch (hate 'em, just don't care for this band, never have...), and a truly awful track from Maylene and The Sons Of Disaster, a band that Joe actually liked an album or so ago. Oddly enough, the best song that came out of that Set Of Pain (as I have dubbed it...) was the Bulletboys track, a cover of Scorpions "Falling In Love". In fact, we all agreed that Bulletboys actually IMPROVED on the original. (Honestly, not that big of a feat, if you ask me, and I'm actually a fan of the Scorps...) Redemption for this set came a little later, as Joe played some Charred Walls Of The Damned, which features former Judas Priest vocalist Tim "Ripper" Owens, and was pretty freakin' good! He also backed that up with some classic Priest in the form of "Desert Plains", so the night really wasn't a complete bust!


June 18, 2011 - Joe's Birthday

  • Published in 2011

Joes BirthdayRecap by The Metal Wulf;
So, after the out of control insanity of last week, I figured we'd be hard pressed to follow that goofiness up for a second straight week. I was wrong, so terribly, terribly wrong... The Demon Azkath, Just Joe, and Foul Mouth Girl from The Last Exit For The Lost showed up to honor the birthday of our long-suffering host, Joe Wyatt. We celebrated by doing a variation of a Russian Roulette show. If you're familiar with The Last Exit, you know what I'm talking about. For those new to this concept, allow me to explain: In a traditional Russian Roulette show, "bullets" are chosen at random from a bag, but only when certain songs are played. These songs usually fall into the category of cheesy, overplayed stuff. Each "bullet" is actually a small slip of paper with a special action or activity printed on it. For example, if Joe had chosen the slip that said Just Joe Hugs Everybody, that's what would happen. And, as I recall, that did transpire. One of the more tolerable bullets, to be honest. Believe me, they can get pretty brutal... So, in this variation, Joe the birthday boy got to pick a random bullet during each talk break, and got to choose who got to perform the action written on that particular bullet. Much to Joe's dismay, one of the first bullets to be pulled said that Joe had to play Alice Cooper's "He's Back (The Man Behind The Mask)". Not one of Alice's most popular tracks on our show. Personally, I really don't mind it so much, but Joe can't stand it, so you can only imagine how that went over... But, in the end, the song was played, and Joe complained that his birthday was starting to suck. And things weren't about to get any better... The next bullet said "Randy Dances". Now, this was kind of tough, because anything with a danceable rhythm is kind of scarce on our show. However, I had a little brainstorm. There's an old classic rock song called "Black Betty" that never fails to get me moving, and thankfully Azkath had a version of it handy. Yes, that is what I danced to, and I'm thinking from here on in, that song's got to be my official dancing music. During my performance, it was suggested that I give out lap dances. Joe didn't seem very receptive, though, so I moved on to Will, Lindsey, Kasey, and Josh. Can't really say that what I was doing could best be described as a lap dance, though. More like random humping motions, in rhythm, of course. Overall, my efforts really weren't appreciated that much. Amd Joe's compaints continued... Things picked up on the next bullet. Funny thing is, Josh jumped at the chance to take one more the team when this bullet, which was called "Through The Board", was drawn. A large, and moderately thin, board was placed on the floor, held up by two cinder blocks. It was then debated as to who was going to go through the board, and how they were going to go through. After much deliberation it was decided that Azkath would actually be the one to go through. Further deliberation ensued as to HOW he would go through... Approximately five minutes later, it was finally decided that Rick and I would do a double chokeslam on Azkath. It went pretty well, all told. I mean, Azkath was able to still talk and walk about afterward, so I guess he must have been okay. Will was the subject of the next bullet, entitled "Hammer Smashed Face". Will had to lie on the floor, holding a Mac Book in front of his face. Azkath then took a VERY large hammer (and when I say large, imagine Viking weaponry...), and proceeded to smash the Mac Book over Will's face. Eventually the book was just left on the floor to be abused as we passed the hammer from person to person. I honestly thought we were going to lose Josh to a full-blown Viking Berserker Rage, and even I started to enjoy swinging that thing just a little too much. Let's face it, Azkath's got some REEEEAAAALLLLY cool toys at his disposal! Joe's birthday present from Azkath was finally revealed, much to the dismay of all. Yes, I regret to inform the Metallic Onslaught listening community that a brand new Jeffie has been created and unleashed on our show. It was all good though, because the newest Jeffie made the perfect subject for the next bullet, which was entitled "DVD Player To The Head". Now, it was around this time that an old guest of ours decided to pop in unexpectedly. UWF wrestler, Jay Flyer, showed up with his security staff, and it was actually Jay's head of security who got to swing the DVD player at Jeffie's skull. It didn't take long for the real carnage to happen. We ended up with a full-on Onslaught/Security staff brawl, and once the smoke cleared, I found myself holding that monstrous hammer, and wearing that goofy viking helmet that keeps popping up in my vicinity. Oh, have I mentioned that it seems this new "personality" is called Olaf? Go figure... Next bullet: Hugs! Yes, Just Joe made his rounds, accompanied by Jeffie, hugging everybody in their paths. To be honest, this was kind of a breath of fresh air, following everything else. Speaking of fresh, Josh got the opportunity to freshen up Just Joe, because the next bullet requred that Just Joe be bathed. Not sure how that went for Josh. I mean, there IS a shower upstairs, and the two of them went up together, and Just Joe DID come back in his boxers, and with wet hair, so.... I'm guessing it was a success? Time flies when your having fun, as the saying goes, and the final bullet of the evening once again fell on Just Joe. This one was called "Basement Time", and it was with the promise of cake that Just Joe was lured inside the door behind the basement. He was promptly shut in and told to be careful of the spiders... I really can't blame Just Joe for screaming like a little red-haired girl with skinned knees. I don't particlularly care for spiders either, which probably explains my own screams when he came out of the basement and started hugging me, allowing the spiders to leave his body and crawl all over mine... EWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!! And so, it was on that note that Joe's birthday celebration for this year came to a close, meaning this will probably be the last time we experience the Russian Roulette fun for at least another, oh, seven weeks or so, when Bill's birthday rolls around!

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