October 23, 2015 - Undead Messengers

MOWell, getting right down to business here, I should mention that Nathan returned to visit us on this evening, and he wasn’t the only company we had that night. Tim and Olivia from UnDead Messengers joined us as well, and this was their first time visiting The Metallic Onslaught. Not that they’re strangers by any stretch of the imagination. We’ve gotten to know them from seeing their band perform, as well as hanging with them on The Last Exit For The Lost periodically. Olivia actually proved to be very helpful to our resident stuffy, Gary, who still hasn’t quite gotten over the mistreatment at the hands of Eric Rodriguez last Christmas. Gary really did need a good supportive ear, poor guy... Nathan claimed to have dropped about five pounds from pooping, which likely makes him roughly 47 pounds with clothes on. Joe mentioned that he could possibly weigh Nathan with a set of postal scales at this juncture... Gotta say, poor Nathan put up with an abundance of abuse on this evening, mainly because he’s just that easy to pick on. And I thought I made a good target! Anyhoo, pretty early on he ran out of the recording area, as Jeffie had put on another “Retard-O-Tron” collection for our...ummmmm...entertainment... I guess Nathan has a low tolerance for girls doing Donald Duck impersonations. Things got a little weird when Jeffie broke out the gargantuan rubber band that he’d wrapped around my head earlier in the year. He got it around Nathan’s head easily enough, but Nathan went one better by pulling the rubber down all the way down his bony frame, essentially passing his entire body through it. And to think I used to think it was impressive to see Dano Voodie pass himself through a coat hanger back when he was in Stool! Jeffie took a moment to put that damned rubber band on my head again, pretty much causing Nathan to go fetal in disgust. It IS pretty grotesque what that thing does to my dome. To make matters worse, Jeffie got it in his head that he may be able to get MY body through the rubber band. He didn’t get past my neck, making breathing just a mite difficult...

Somewhere along the line Nathan felt that it would be a good idea for him to attempt lifting the anvil...which he did, much to our amazement. As a matter of fact, that little shit actually got it up to his shoulders! Almost as impressive was the fact that he continued to carry it throughout the building, pretty much crab-walking it from room to room. We’d been tormenting Nathan with various implements of destruction throughout the evening, but it really got disturbing when one particular piece of wrongness made an appearance. Once upon a time, on The Last Exit For The Lost (actually it orginated on The Metallic Onslaught one night, then went to LE), there was a little bathroom plug on a chain, and the chain was connected to a little plastic penis. Last Exit co-host, EVD, had taken this item and duct-taped it to a Whiffle Bat at one point, essentially creating what came to be known as the “D-Bat”...that’s “D” for “dick”, of course... Well, the “D” made an appearance that night, and Nathan was suffering a bit of abuse from it. I don’t think he got violated too horrifically with it, but it’s kinda hard to gauge that kind of trauma. I mean, it certainly wasn’t nearly as bad as Spanky puncturing his starfish over the summer! Speaking of Spanky... Jeffie had offered me some Gummi Bears during the course of the evening as a peace offering, and having s bit of a sweet tooth, I didn’t turn them down. Although, I did spit them out pretty quickly when he’d mentioned that they’d been made using Spanky by-products (gummi’s have gelatin...gelatin can come from horse remains...) Needless to say, that just adds to the level of payback that Jeffie will have to eventually endure. I mean, as if the Gummi Bears weren’t bad enough, he turned around and left some gifts around my apartment...one of them being Spanky’s horn, which he left sitting in my toilet bowl! Have I mentioned that Jeffie is a total fucking tool? I should also mention that his spore powder is continuing to make life very difficult for me. Bastard was even pulling flowers outta my ears throughout the evening! Anyhow, I can’t remember what we were discussing as the night came to a close, but I’d said a particularly naughty word, which forces Azkath to have to edit. He doesn’t really like having to bleep things out, and our videographer, Arydaea Insanity, took a moment to cut my tongue out as a lesson. That was pretty painful and gross, but on the plus side, I think this plant DNA from Jeffie’s spore powder is actually helping me to heal even faster!

-Randy Metal Wulf


Amberian Dawn - Rise Of The Evil
Chastain - All Hail The King
Grave Digger - Enola Gay - Drop The Bomb

Psyche Corporation - Lady Perilous
Flight - Nightrider
Circle II Circle - Victim Of The Night
Stryper - Fallen
Swallow The Sun - 10 Silver Bullets

Ascending From Ashes - Thundergun
Abhorrent Deformity - Boundless Suffering
Fall Of Humanity - Hulk Blood
Grave Ritual - Invoker Of Heathen Gnosis
Nuclear - Left For Dead

Draconian - Stellar Tombs
Avatarium - Run Killer Run
Age Of Shadows - Hollow
Broken Teeth - Lightning Strikes
Gentlemans Pistols - Devil's Advocate On Call

Devil You Know - The Way We Die
Intronaut - Digital Gerrymandering
Madame Mayhem - Monster
RAM - The Usurper
Megadeth - Fatal Illusion

Magnus Karlsson's free For All - Out Of The Dark
Marius Danielsen's Legend Of Valley Doom - The Prophecy Of The Warrior King
Saxon - Destroyer
Metal Allegiance - We Rock
The Winery Dogs - Hot Streak

Vingulmork - It Will Suffice
Under The Church - Walpurgis Night
Separations - King Of Woe
Whitechapel - The Saw Is The Law (Live)
So Hideous - The True Pierce

1000 Homo DJs - Supernaut
Agent Steel - Hole In The Sky
Acid Drinkers - N.I.B.
Anthrax - Sabbath Bloody Sabbath
Mortifer - Digital Bitch

Annihilator - The One You Serve
Abigail Williams - The Cold Lines
Clutch - Behold The Colossus
Deafheaven - Brought To The Water
W.A.S.P. - Eyes Of My Maker

Revival - To The Wolves
Slayer - Cast The First Stone
With The Dead - Crown Of Burning Stars
Eye Of The Destroyer - Burned In The Trunk
Counting Days - Fire From The Sky

Killing Joke - Dawn Of The Hive
Walking Corpse Syndrome - Disciple