May 6, 2016 - No Pants Day!

  • Published in 2016

Dave and RandyJoe was actually impressed with the fact that I’d started the show fully clothed, considering this was our No Pants Day broadcast. It really didn’t take me long to remedy that, and before long I was in a t-shirt and my boxers.

Jeffie showed up not too much later, but refused to take part. It seems that I’ve completely ruined No Pants Day for him with some of my previous antics. In my defense, I should mention that I really don’t remember how most of that prior behavior came to pass. It’s not like I actually planned on becoming “Mandy”! But, yeah, Jeffie was taking a strong stance of protest this year.
That was okay, though, because we had a special guest drop by. David Gee is one of Azkath’s co-hosts on The Last Exit For The Lost, and hadn’t visited the Metallic Onslaught in quite some time. As a matter of fact, this was his first visit to our new digs, and he was fully prepared to celebrate No Pants Day! In fact, he may have been a little too ready, as he seemed pretty eager to try to duplicate what Nathan had pulled off a few months back. Dave’s attempt at combining My Crotch, Your Face with sit ups was pretty much an epic fail. Can’t say I’m disappointed...can’t really say I’m pleased really just sucks to be subjected to that whole thing...
Keeping to true No Pants Day tradition, I was actually wearing layers of underwear, so as the evening wore on the boxers came off, leaving me in my nice, comfy Batman boxer briefs. These were last seen back around Christmas when Nathan received his Pantsless Santa Dance.
I had to take a moment to be perfectly honest with the guys. Truth is, despite my earlier proclamation stating that I would be getting naked this year, I admitted that I never really planned on going through with it. You can only imagine my shock, then, when we came back for a talk break and found myself to be wearing only socks. Yep, somewhere during that prior music break I’d removed everything that mattered. It’s a good thing that my chair is nice and deep and cushiony, because otherwise that was probably the only thing that kept the rest of the guys from tearing their own eyes out in horror.
Jeffie must have seen more than the rest, though, because he felt that I desperately needed a trim. In fact, he was so firm in this belief that he decided to find a lawn care tool to take care of the problem. And this thing was no weed whacker, we’re talking heavy duty brush-trimming. I was quite frankly terrified when he fired that thing up, but was actually very impressed with the final results. Honestly, I hadn’t been that smooth since I was a grade schooler, and it still hasn’t started growing back! Of course, I took offense when Jeffie told me I owed him $50 for the trimming, considering everything that could have potentially gone very, VERY wrong.
I think the whole getting naked thing was a bit much for Dave. Well, it was a bit much for everybody, but Dave seemed to really take it personally, to the point where he actually walked out on us. Now, it could have been the nakedness, or it could have been the fact that I get a laugh out of telling Dave that I’m not really a wolf. Never fails to get a reaction. It’s not really that I enjoy seeing Dave, wait, some sick part of me really does, can’t help it. That’s mean. Dave is actually pretty awesome...but, damn, it’s so hilarious watching him break down when I tell him I’m not really a wolf!
But, yeah, Dave left, and wouldn’t come back until I got dressed again, so the clothes went back on. Honestly, it had been getting chilly, anyway, so I really didn’t have an issue with that. I did, however, have a really big issue with Jeffie super-gluing my clothes to me, just to make sure they’d stay on...
As the evening was coming to a close, Jeffie ended up offering Dave a Peegasm Pill. At first I was a little hesitant about letting Dave take one, because with Jeffie there’s never really a guarantee that you’re getting what he’s offering, and I really didn’t want to see Dave go through the aftermath of a Pee-like-razors Pill. Luckily for Dave, Jeffie delivered. Judging from the sounds coming from the back lawn, Dave was enjoying himself immensely. In fact, he seemed to be a bit dehydrated after the fact. I’d mentioned to Jeffie that perhaps Dave would enjoy a nice, fresh Fapuccino. I believe Jeffie had mentioned that it may take him awhile to prepare it, so I took it upon myself to provide Dave with my own personal brew. Bottoms up, buddy!


May 4, 2013 - No Pants Day!

  • Published in 2013
Listen to the Show
** Slayer Tribute **
Captor Of Sin
Die By The Sword
Hell Awaits
Raining Blood
War Ensemble
South Of Heaven
Silent Scream
War Zone
Hate Worldwide
Agressive Perfector
Angel Of Death
Masters Of Metal - Chameleon
The Resistance - To The Death
Pamela Moore - Paranoia
F.K.U. - Scream Bloody Mosher
M:Pire Of Evil - Blackened Are The Priests
Atrocity - Death By Metal
Ark Of The Covenant - Transgressors
Vicious Rumors - Electric Punishment
Orchid - Mountains Of Steel
Black Water Rising - Show No Mercy
Death Dealer - Hammer Down
Gary Clark Jr. - When My Train Pulls In
Amorphis - Enchanted By The Moon
Iron Glove - Heaven Hellbound
Suidakra - Let Me Put My Love Into You
Trail Of Tears - Path Of Destruction
The Monolith Deathcult - Drugs, Thugs & Machetes
Starkill - New Infernal Rebirth
Killswitch Engage - Time Will Not Remain
Potential Threat - Written In Blood
Horseface - Succubus (I Warned You!)
Ghost B.C. - Depth Of Satan's Eyes
Arsis - Choking On Sand
Anciients - Faith And Oath
Kings Destroy - The Toe
Kadaver - Rythm For Endless Minds
Sodom - Tracing The Victim
We As Human - Dead Man
Skid Row - Get Up
Ugly Kid Joe - No One Survives
Pamela Moore - Melt Into You
Avantasia - Dweller In A Dream
Pushmen - The Year Of Hands & Neck
Stygian - Bloodlines
Blood Ceremony - Witchwood
Kobra And The Lotus - No Rest For The Wicked
Recap by The Metal Wulf...

So, as per tradition, the night of the 3rd was our annual No Pants Day celebration (being the first Friday of the month). And, in all honesty, the first couple of hours were pretty uneventful in the sense that there was no uncomfortable silly occurrences, of the type we are all too well known for on this particular evening.
In fact, Joe attempted a save by suggesting that No Pants Day was over by the time the rest of the crew arrived (Jeffie, JustJoe, and Arydaea), mentioning how it was officially Saturday, and therefore May 4th, which is apparently now Official Star Wars Day (May The Fourth Be With You...)
But, Jeffie and JustJoe proclaimed it to be No Pants Day Weekend, so there was no avoiding it...
Before I get into any more detail regarding the horrors that befell later in the evening, I should mention that we devoted the first hour of the show to paying tribute to Slayer's Jeff Hanneman, who had sadly passed the day before. 
Those familiar with Hanneman's story know that he'd taken ill a couple year's ago, contracting necrotizing fasciitis, possibly from a spider bite. The official cause of death, as of recently, seems to be pointing to cirrhosis of the liver, however.
No matter, you can't prepare yourself for anything like this. I mean, come on, Hannaman was part of a major movement in heavy metal history, being part of the early thrash scene and helping to pave the way for a completely new genre of heavy music. His contributions to Slayer are practically limitless, including both music and lyrics, especially in the early years. He will be deeply and sorely missed...
So, moving along to the horrors of No Pants Day...
Okay, I confess, even I found myself to be highly creepy in the aftermath of the whole thing, when photos and video were being shared on Facebook. I mean, I even kept my shorts on this year, literally NO boxers and NO man-kini! 
Can't say the same for the shirt, though. 
So, yeah, in a nutshell, I put rainbow stickers around my nipples to act as Pasties, strapped on an inflatable unicorn horn, painted a mop head in rainbow hues (a HORRIBLE paint job, by the way...), and wore Jeffie's blonde wig (my head's been itchy every since...) in the interest of putting forth my ultimate personification of what a Brony would be. And I'm kinda ashamed of myself...
Of course, shame doesn't make it okay that at the end of the evening Jeffie and JustJoe beat me down and violated me with my own unicorn horn...and I'm pretty sure there was some sincere attempts at tea-bagging me at the very end...
And let's not forget Arydaea's assurances to the three of us that not only was there a No Pants Day bus outside waiting for us, but there was also a Brony bus, specifically for me.
We looked...long and hard...far and wide...there were no buses...

May 7, 2011 - No Pants Day!!!

  • Published in 2011

The HorrorRecap by Randy, aka Wulfie, who is really, REEEEAAAALLLLLY sorry... 
(Truly, you have no idea...)

Seeing as how this edition was our annual celebration of No Pants Day, I'm going to break this recap into two parts. Serious  (yeah, believe it or not, amidst the chaos there was time for such a thing!) and Seriously Fucked Up...

Part 1. Serious

So, an early discussion centered around an upcoming release from King Kobra, their first new music in many years. This next disc is going to feature Paul Shortino (formerly of Rough Cutt) on vocals, replacing Mark Free, known these days as Marcie Free, after undergoing a sex change. (No disrespect meant, just statin' the facts.) Actually, there's an amusing parallel between both bands. Both had very strong releases for their debut albums (King Kobra had "Ready To Strike" while Rough Cutt's was self-titled), and both had really, REEEEAAAALLLY disappointing follow-up albums ("Rough Cutt Wants You" and King Kobra's "Thrill Of A Lifetime"). Now, Mark Free sounded damned good on "Ready To Strike", and their single, "Hunger", has been a personal favorite of mine for many years, but I got to see Rough Cutt when they opened for Dio back in 1985, and I can personally assure you that Paul Shortino has got some of the best pipes in the business, live or otherwise. Yet Joe seemed to be implying that he preferred Mark Free, and that's quite alright. I quite enjoyed that little bit of banter, and wish we had time for more discussions along those lines. So, later on, somewhere in the random chaos that is No Pants Day, we had time to have a few words with Joe Lupia, who had last joined us in the studio while he was a member of Amelia Is Dead, sadly a now-defunct outfit. Still, Joe remains busy and was more than happy to share some news about his current project, God Astray, and we were more than happy to play some tracks! Of course, there was also the discussion of whether or not Jeffie would show. Azkath had flatly refused to show up on No Pants Day, and really, who can blame the guy? So, yeah, the debate was on, and sure enough, Jeffie showed up, bringing us to...

Part 2: Seriously Fucked Up

Yes, believe it or not, Jeffie had arrived, defying all logic. I mean, the guy is supposed to be dead as a doornail, after all, killed by my hand, torn asunder, shredded into bloody chunks of flesh and grosser things... But, it seems this is a DIFFERENT Jeffie... Okay, since when is there more than one Jeffie active at a given time? After I killed what I thought was the last Jeffie, Azkath INSISTED that he wouldn't make any more, so where in the Nine Frickin' Hells did this one come from? I mean, apparently it's been traveling through time, but did it exist before or after I killed what I thought was the final Jeffie? So many questions, and no real answers forthcoming. And of course, he'll be back... Dammit... Just Joe and Foul Mouth Girl were both on hand. Wouldn't be No Pants Day without either of them, and we hadn't had FMG in studio in a few weeks. We miss her when she's not there. Just Joe was sporting layers of underwear, sort of a throwback to FMG last year, and far less alluring, I must say. Hey, for my part I was sporting a pair of black cut-offs, perfectly within the domain of No Pants Day reason. Bill was in his boxers AND a bath robe, Will (Shades) was in a pair of tuxedo boxers, and Lindsey was in a little black nightie, very cute, and perfectly acceptable. Of course, carnage ensued very quickly. Befiore I knew it, and at Joe's suggestion, I was subjected to the indignity of a Bronco Buster from Just Joe, with a little help from Jeffie. I wasn't overly thrilled by the prospect of having somebody's (ANYBODY'S...) package that close to my face, so it was a mentally painful moment. At some point, Jeffie and Just Joe thought I should give our long-suffering host, Joe Wyatt, a Rikishi-style Stink Face to make up for him suggesting the Bronco Buster. So, I stripped down to my my AC/DC boxers. As it turned out, it was Jeffie and Just Joe on the receiving end of their own respective Stink Faces, and I've gotta tell ya, THAT WAS FUN!!! I made sure they got a good idea of what I'd had for dinner the night before, you'd best believe it! I'll bet their still gargling! So, from there, Jeffie carried out this big suitcase that was full of women's underwear. FMG seemed to think some of it looked pretty familiar, and one pair in particular I recognized from last year. These were all going on Jeffie's head, much to FMG's dismay. As a matter of fact, she showed Jeffie just how dismayed she was when she proceeded to beat the piss out of him. We, of course, cheered her on. Things got a little hazy for me following this. I remember Jeffie attacking me with wooden boards, resulting in more head trauma. Next thing I knew, I was wearing a viking helmet, as well as carrying a plastic sword and shield. Apparently some very bad things had happened up until that point, but I couldn't remember a damned thing. There was a lot of in and out of coherence from there, and each time I came back to myself, I either had the helmet on, or the sword and shieid, or some combination thereof. Chaos doesn't even describe it, to be honest... It wasn't until the evening was over and I'd gotten home that I discovered the truly nasty nature of the evenings most disturbing event. Upon watching what was saved to YouTube via the web cam, I saw myself run around in nothing but a pair of bikini briefs, wearing the helmet, carrying the sword and shiield, and attacking both Jeffie and Just Joe as I screamed like a maniac... Sincerely, my apologies to all who may have (let's face it, PROBABLY) suffered any undue mental distress as a result of viewing any of that. Look on the bright side, I really don't see how next year's No Pants Day celebration could be worse...

Pentagram - 8
Midnattsol - Spellbound
CypherSeer - From The Womb

Anvil - New Orleans Voo Doo
Cavalera Conspiracy - Blunt Force Trauma
Black 'N Blue - Candy
The Rods - Rebels Highway
Saviour - Killing Fields

Within Temptation - In The Middle Of The Night
Leaves' Eyes - Spirit's Masquerade
The Gates Of Slumber - Wretch
Here Comes The Kraken - Beverly Hell
Motherboar - Croctosquatch

Septic Flesh - Five-Pointed Star
Gates Of Slumber - Bastards Born
Red Fang - The Undertow
Kaapora - Existence And Sickness
Hope For The Dying - Perpetual Ruin

God Astray - Dark Grey
Tyr - Take Your Tyrant
Infant Sorrow - Furry Walls
Alestorm - Miget Saw
Nine Round - Lost In The Fold

The May 4th Massacre - Flag Of Separation
I.N.C. - Swallowed
Before The Dawn - Winter Within
While Heaven Wept - Saturn And Sacrifice
Deceased - Kindred Assembly
Combat - The Mutant Inside

Orange Barrel Acid - Useless
Arkona - Skal
Villian - Kamikaze
Pestilence - Malignant
Ana Kefr - Parasites
Tokyo Blade - Night Of The Blade
Diamond Head - Helpless

God Astray - Sex Poison
Hate Eternal - Hatesworn
Lowkey - Passion
Venom - Black Metal
Grave Decent - Morbid Extraction
OTEP - Fists Fall

Genitortures - Sin City
New Lows - Last Of The Rats
The Exalted PileDriver - Witch Hunt
Here Comes The Kraken - Nu Beginning
Cause For Revelation - Another Failure
Becoming The Archetype - The Magnetic Sky

The Rods - The Code
Thinning The Herd - Chill In The Air
Septic Flesh - The Undead Keep Dreaming


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