July 9, 2011 - Joe Marro

Recap by The Metal Wulf;
263443 10150231758212551 105968057550 7637331 2224033 nSince we pretty much parted ways with almost anything remotely serious this week, I'll start the recap off with the lone moment of sanity from the evening: So, Will Polson (who is a friend of Rick) and Lindsey Boykin (a friend of mine and Bill's) met on the show on the 29th of October, last year. They started dating shortly thereafter, and last night they had a little announcement to make. They are officially expecting a child, so I'm proud to announce that the Metallic Onslaught is looking forward to it's first offspring, as such... Okay, so it's not actually the SHOW'S offspring, but... Oh, never mind... Congrats, Will and Lindsey! This is where the Serious Boat drifts off and never comes back to shore...

Joe Marro returned for a couple of hours last night, and he brought his guitar! Which was awesome, outside of some interference problems, which we attributed to cell phone usage. May have to tone that down in the future, hmmmmm... Of course, it didn't exactly help that Jeffie wanted to contribute to the music that Joe was playing. I mean, we were actually having fun as Joe just let his guitar do the talking for him. To be honest, I'd have to say it was at least moderately entertaining as Jeffie exchanged banter with Joe's guitar. Made me tjhink of Steve Vai for some reason... But, then Jeffie had to ruin something that was actually humorous by wanting to sing a song while Joe played, and it turned into this goofy, surreal mess... Speaking of surreal, Jeffie got on the subject of Joe Marro being made of Smarties. Or was it Skittles? Damn... Thankfully this was after Joe had departed for the evening, so there was no way for him to fully suibstantiate that claim. Although I do believe he mentioned pieces of Joe being left behind, and suggesting that they tasted like Skittles... or Smarties... SweetTarts, maybe? Shit...

Have I mentioned yet that this Jeffie seems to be among the stupidest yet? Unfortunately, I've only known one other Jeffie in my two years on the show, so I've really got no basis for comparison. I mean, I've seen a lot of the older videos, and each Jeffie pretty much seems to be damned stupid. Still, I guess Joe and Rick would be able to tell when one seems to be surpassing the others. Looks like we've got a doozie this time! So, let's look at a few moments from last night to show just how pathetic this one is... Still going on about balloon-zippers for storage. Keeps goin' on and on about it, I swear it's the most ridiculous thing ever. Then somehow whales got brought into the equation (as in Beluga-zippers...), with the suggestion being made that whales are bigger and can hold more. Personally, I just don't want to see Jeffie trying to inflate a whale... Then there are things he mentioned throughout the evening that really didn't need to be shared with us, such as:     -His love of Suzi Q's and the white cream inside them...     -Passing a message to me from Azkath. Something about eight owls, which triggered an Olaf appearance. Apparently Olaf ranted and raved about seeing eight olws in his tree, and that it was an omen, a sign from Odin that me must go and hunt a vicious wolf. You realize that this will probably end badly...      -Rockin' Josh's bottom. Didn't need that image in my head, thank you...     -His hot, salted pre-buttered corn...     -Defintiely could have done without the exposure of his penii, as he put it. Penii, of course, suggesting he has more than one. I wouldn't know. As hard as he tried to make me look, I kept my eyes closed. Of course, that didn't stop him from sticking it into my belly button... ewwwwwww...     -Then there was something about Jeffie's belly button lint, which Josh seemed to think was somehow connected to a Jeffie virus? Not sure where that line of thought came from, but consider the source. I mean, Josh still thinks that there's another Jeffie out there somewhere, and that he's traveling through time! Josh, Josh, Josh... You see, of course, what we're currently dealing with here. Not only is this Jeffie exceptionally stupid, but he could potentially be spreading it all throughout the show. Might be a dangerous combination...

Speaking of danger, there was a bit of a menacing air throughout the evening. A little edge of hostility that seemed to be aimed at yours truly. I could have sworn that at one point I heard Joe saying something like, "Kill, kill, kill...Randy, Randy, Randy...Kill, kill, kill...Randy, Randy, Randy...', over and over, in a low voice. And Bill didn't look very happy with me, but that probably had to do with my deleiting his YouTube videos. Still, I'm bringing them all back, bit by bit, so he shouldn't be TOO angry... Of course, there was that, and also the fact that I'd had a cigarette. I mean, it was just ONE. In two weeks! No reason to want to do me bodily harm, really? Tell that to Azkath, who called Jeffie and said I should be punished not only for smoking, but also for the YouTube debacle. The plan was for Jeffie and Bill to pick me up and bodyslam me through the floor, which they did! Y'know, I didn't think they could do it, but I'll give 'em credit. I went right through, among a clatter of pipes and insulation, and wood splinters...and an abrupt stop in the basement, on a concrete floor, with spiders...crawling all over me...as I spit up a great deal of blood...and...Jeffie adding insult to injury as he body splashed me from the upper floor...I think Josh may have slipped on blood and fallen on top of me... Strange. I must have dreamed all of that, because if it had really happened, well, Hell, I'd be lucky to be alive! I mean, I'm in one piece, typing the recap, feeling pretty damned good to be honest. In fact, I almost feel like I've been reborn, and can take on the whole world! Yup, must've been a dream!


Megadeth - The Conjuring
Metallica - Mercyful Fate
Black Country Communion - Crossfire
George Lynch - Brand New Day
Twisted Sister - Come Out And Play
Gentlemans Pistols - Into The Haze
Headcat - The Eagle Flies On Friday
Seven Witches - Harlot Of Troy
Symphony X - Heretic
Ozzy Osbourne - Crazy Train
Jungle Rot - Bloodties
Sepultura - Embrace The Storm
Hands - The Helix
Absolution Project - Playing God
August Burns Red - 40 Nights
Fugazi - Repeater
Morbid Angel - 10 More Dead
Chthonic - Southern Cross
Lock Up - Anvil Of Flesh
Decapitated - United
Demonical - Ravenous
Illnath - Scarecrow
The Greenery - Drag Beneath
Skalmold - Hefnd
Svartsot - Kunsten At Do
Anthrax - Fight 'Em 'Till You Can't
Channel Zero - Guns Of Navarone
Spellcaster - Power Rising
Jeff The Brotherhood - Ripper
Zeroking - Black Friday
Zombie Shaker Box - Industry Witch
George Lynch - Man On Fire
Gentlemans Pistols - Your Majesty
Fleshburn - Victims
Thorr-Axe - Hall Under The Mountain
Draconian - Dead World Assembly
Warlock - I Rule The Ruins
Pestilence - Doctrine
Exhumed - I Rot Within
Icon In Me - Un-Slaved
Denial Fiend - Horror Holocaust
Dream Theater - On The Backs Of Angels
Voodoo Highway - Gasoline Woman
Othin - False Revelations
Who Cares - Out Of My Mind
Orodruin - Letter Of Life's Regret
Amplifier - Fractal