July 1, 2016 - Weirdest Night Ever?

Randy and JeffieBefore I get down to the real business at hand, I’d like to mention that Joe is actually very pleased with the truck that Jeffie had given him the previous week as a birthday gift. Having ridden in it, I must say it is quite a ride! Yeah, I know, it’s amazing. Jeffie actually got something right. Just savor the moment and mark the calendar.
Anyway, on to the subject matter concerning one of the most bizarre evenings I’ve ever experienced on the Metallic Onslaught. Actually, scratch that. This was the weirdest night EVER...
We established early that something...or someone...seemed to be among the missing, although we couldn’t seem to put our finger on who this being was. Someone who referred to themselves as KnownAs...and from there we drew a blank. I mean, there seemed to be something in the back of our minds that suggested the sound of a train whistle...but nope...just could not grasp who...or what...it could be. Hell, we’d even guessed it must be Jeffie, but we really wouldn’t miss him if he were among the missing, so there was no way that it could have been him.
The black soul-sucking Void that Jeffie had created the week before was still occupying the space beyond the door that led to the back lawn. It was even more bizarre because I swore that I could hear the occasional chirping of birds from the Void, and even music. Joe and Rick insisted that they couldn’t hear anything, and that I needed to just forget about the Void, but something like that is really hard to put out of your mind.
Jeffie did eventually show up, and he could also hear the birds and the music, although he claimed that it really wasn’t music, and that we should just not aknowledge that anything was amiss. Once again...hard to do...
Jeffie actually attempted to pin the blame on me, as opposed to his dabbling with things that were outside the realm of his understanding. Yep, he said something about my gravity well being the cause of it, but we all know that his tampering with the laws of the universe are to blame. And, his solution to the problem seems to be moving the void to the other side of the universe...or moving us to the other side of the universe...one or the other...
Things started getting weirder when the Void started distorting sound in the studio. Jeffie decided he’d take one for the team, attempting to close the back door. Problem was, the door was nowhere to be seen, being concealed by the Void. As he approached the door, he said that something was moving around in the blackness...and then the idiot stepped out into the Void. It was kinda funny. We literally forgot who Jeffie was once he disappeared, but then he showed up again, much to our surprise. Something seemed very off about him, though. This Jeffie was nowhere near as animated, and spoke in a bleak, soulless monotone.
This Jeffie assured us that the Void was actually a park, and that I should come with him. He assured me that it was a nice park, with music, and that Josh (THAT’S who was missing!) was there, waiting for us. And he said that Jackyl would be performing...which, admittedly, did spark my interest. Hey, I kinda dig Jackyl, can’t help it. My mind changed quickly when he mentioned that Bon Jovi would be headlining. Honestly, Bon Jovi is one of those bands that I would chew my own leg off to escape...
He also mentioned that there was all the blood I could drink, which really didn’t do anything to motivate me. But then, he mentioned Jackyl again, and that Doro Pesch and Lita Ford were there...he really had me interested for a bit. So interested, in fact, that Joe found it necessary to tie me to my chair using bungee chord.
Joe wasn’t buying any of it, and soon demonstrated, in brutal fashion, that this Jeffie was actually a robot...or at the very least some kind of cybernetic being from beyond. Yep, Joe cut Jeffies’ hand off at the wrist, revealing circuits and wires. Pretty, hypnotically stimulating circuits and wires...
The final straw came when Jeffie offered to make me a throne of babies if I went to the park, which is probably one of the most disturbing things to be uttered in my time on this show. The idea was actually kind of maddening, I just could not wrap my mind around the idea of a throne composed entirely of babies...
Joe was so mortified at all of this that he actually physically dragged robot-cyborg Jeffie to the Void and threw him in. Joe also took a moment to shut the door that the real Jeffie had failed to close, finally shutting off access to that black, madness-inducing pit of nothingness. Granted, that pit was still there, but it was easier to ignore once the door was shut.
To our amazement, Jeffie returned again. This time he seemed like himself, but he was claiming to have been dreaming of the park, and he pretty much ended up repeating everything the robot had said. Joe was convinced that this was another robot, so he picked up a hammer and bashed the latest Jeffies’ head in. We thought Joe’s suspicions to be be confirmed when the hammer hit metal, putting a ringing in our ears, and a large hole in Jeffie’s head...a hole that revealed steel plating...
Yep, we were sure it was another robot, right up to the point where Jeffie’s “death music” started playing, which was the tell-tale sign that Joe had, indeed, killed a real Jeffie. And Azkath wasn’t too happy with it, as he’d come in to find Jeffie’s corpse lying on the floor. Apparently we’re only supposed to kill Jeffie’s outdoors. And, as it turns out, that metal plate was all part of Jeffie’s training regimen for our still-upcoming Death Match. Seems he’d been fortifying parts of his skeleton with steel.
In the end, I guess the evening wasn’t all bad. I mean, any night that ends with a genuine Jeffie death is a pretty good one!

- Recap by The Metal Wulf



Earth Ship - Castle Of Sorrow
Apothesary - 1976
Despised Icon - The Aftermath

Liquid Graveyard - All Bile All Vile
Myth Of A Life - Pull The Trigger
Netherlands - New Jocks
The Browning - Cryosleep
Every Time I Die - The Coin Has A Say

The Fifth - No Going Home
Kissin' Dynamite - Hashtag Your Life
Rival Sons - Fade Out
Gojira - Only Pain
Aftershok - Cities On Fire

Dramatica - Dark Pleasures
Spire (Australia) - Void
Grave Desecrator - Anathema Bloodlust
Despite - Square Zero
Witherscape - The Examiner

Save The Clock Tower - Breathing For Beasts
Be'lakor - Roots To Sever
The Black Explosion - Location 9
Wayfarer - The Dust Lakes
Denner/Shermann - Escape From Hell

Rage - War
Scorpion Child - Moon Tension
Unlocking The Truth - A Tide
Volbeat - The Devil's Bleeding Crown
Withem - The Pain I Collected

Whitechapel - Elitist Ones
Jorn - Stormbringer
Fox 45 - White Lightning
Fates Warning - Seven Stars
Million Miles From Broadway - Tug Of War

The Schoenberg Automaton - Don't Be Disputin' With Rasputin
Surtur - Demolisher
Paradox - Alien Godz
Burial Mound - Blood Bound
Gutter Instinct - Faith Junkies

Diluted - Sternenrotz
Hellyeah - Blood Plague
Nervosa - Devastation
hereAndNow - theHydra
Unparalled Height - Fortress Of Fire

Swano & Tagtgren - Country Girl
Milk Toast - Ball Of Hate
Edge Of Sanity - Invisible Sun
Coroner - Masked Jackal
Cro-Mags - We Gotta Know

Thrashit - Thrashing And Slaughter
The Grindmother - Age Of Destruction
Assassin - Frozen Before Impact
Dark Funeral - Unchain My Soul
Kvelertak - Nekrodamus

Vanhelgd - Rebellion Of The Iniquitous
Numenorean - Thirst

Randy and Jeffie

Randy and Jeffie


More in this category: « June 24, 2016 - Joe's Birthday