2014

December 26, 2014 - Part 1 of the Best of 2014

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Recap by The Metal Wulf;

this was the first of two installments focusing on our top albums of 2014. This is what happens when we decide to switch from Top 10's to Top 20's, as there is way too much good music to just get tucked by the wayside with no mention. Generally a quiet evening, but there was mention of some recent exploits from The Last Exit For The Lost that will have lasting repercussions for both shows. I had been in the studio for the Last Exit's semi-annual We Love Satan show, and somehow I got to be the poor schmoe that got to channel El Diablo himself. After being duct-taped to a chair...you know, for everybody's protection..., Azkath summoned Satan, who promptly entered my body. And wow, was he PISSED! And can you blame him? I'm sure it's not every day that he's duped so easily, and then to be subjected to tickling...I mean, who the hell actually TICKLES the Devil?The crew from The Last Exit For The Lost, that's who... Anyhoo, that's when things went really, REALLY wrong for me. Satan was so put off by being tickled that my head ended up exploding.

Meaning, of course, that I have been cloned for a second time. Crazy process, actually. I mean, I remember most of the important things that happened to previous...versions...of me, but, it's really a sketchy process at first. Seriously, I have no idea what the coming weeks are going to be like as I get a feel for this...again...

Playlist

Apostle Of Solitude - Die Vicar Die
Bog Oak - The Resurrection Of Animals
Exodus - Honor Killings
Fu Manchu - No Warning
Hanzel und Gretyl - Burning Witches For Satan

Ire Clad - Feeds On Them
Northern Crown - A Perfectly Realized Torment
Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide
Septic Flesh - Order Of Dracul
Throwdown - Suffer, Conquer

December 19, 2014 - Eric from Ire Clad Visits...

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Poor Randy

Recap by The Metal Wulf;

Eric Rodriguez, bassist for Ithaca, NY's Ire Clad, has the distinct honor of being our first guest on the show since all the changes late last summer. Of course, some may consider that a dubious honor for us, as Eric is a...well...UNIQUE individual. I mean, only Eric would show regret over me losing my scalp and not being album to lick my skull. I believe he even went so far as to describe it as cranialingus...

Gotta say, the holidays had been taking a bit of a toll on me by the time this show came along. Anybody who's ever worked any type of retail job around Christmas knows what I'm talking about. Something about this kinda work that just sucks the holdiay spirit right out of you. And I'd literally only been home from work mere minutes before having to head out with the guys to do that show.

So, being dead tired with no time to recharge the batteries, I fell asleep during a talk break...until Seriah Azkath assured that I'd stay wide awake by dumping handfuls of snow down my back. Yes, it sucked, and yes, I stayed awake the rest of the night!

We were a bit put out with Josh toward the end of that show, as it's pretty much his fault that we got a visit from Jeffie to ruin our holiday. To make matters worse, Jeffie continued a relatively new Metallic Onslaught tradition by performing the Pantsless Santa dance. This actually led to a disturbing segment of the show that not only saw me getting a lap dance from Jeffie, as well as getting violated by Eric...and a power vac. Then Eric violated Gary, our resident stuffy. It was...painful...to watch...to say the least...

Poor, poor Gary...

Playlist
King Diamond - No Presents For Christmas
Fight - Christmas Ride
Venom - Black Xmas

Anacrusis - Twisted Cross
Morbid Angel - Maze Of Torment
Seducer - No Contract
Heathen - Mercy Is No Virtue
Marduk - Sex With Satan (Piledriver cover)

December 12, 2014 - Fun with Super Glue

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Recap by The Metal Wulf;
On our most recent show, we discussed last Saturday nights' Metallic Onslaught Fest, which was a blast, with some awesome performances from some incredible local bands. Had a pretty good turnout, with some really good energy! Lookin' forward to working with the Montage crew again in the future!

Of course, the guys just couldn't let me get away without a good deal of ribbing regarding the prior week's wine-tasting debacle. Is it unusual to still be hungover after a week? I mean, really?

I also somehow ended up getting super-glued to my chair as the night went on. Not only was I glued to the chair, but my feet were also glued to the floor. I'm not completely sure how this occurred, I must have dozed off for a bit, and of course if one of the other guys is actually responsible, they'll NEVER admit to it. In fact, Azkath took advantage of my compromised mobility by kicking me repeatedly in the...well, you know...all the while asking me why I wasn't blocking his kicks...

Of course, things got really bad when I dozed off again and awoke to find my hands glued to my head. Bit confusing, really, because I also think I realized that my hands really weren't glued to my head, and I should have just been able to remove my hands from my head. Crazy as it sounds, though, it wasn't that easy a task, and as the evening wore down...I ended up pulling my scalp directly off of my skull.

Have you ever actually FELT your own skull? Yeah, it's pretty friggin' creepy...

If that wasn't bad enough, to make matters worse, the guys left me that way as they departed the premises. With WHAM's "Last Christmas" closing out that particular show...I blocked the horrendous holiday music out the best as I could, knowing I'd have to somehow untie my boots, not an easy task as chunks of my head were stuck to the palms of my hand...and my fingers...Ya know those tales of animals who chew their own legs off to get out of traps? Well, I had to gnaw chunks of my own forehead from my fingers in order to untie my boots. And if that's not metal, I don't know what the fuck is...

Of course, in the meantime, I just handled the whole situation like I handled it the last time somebody glued me to a chair...almost a year ago, in fact. As some may recall, I simple went home and changed my skin. No biggie, easiest thing in the world. Frankly, I'm amazed that more people can't seem to do it.

Playlist

Pantera - Cowboys From Hell
Pantera - Mouth For War
Pantera - I'm Broken

Pantera - Becoming
Pantera - Drag The Waters
Fight - Christmas Ride
Obduktion - Demonic Methods
AC/DC - Dogs Of War

December 5, 2014 - Wine Tasting

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Recap by The Metal Wulf (Randy)...

I was a little worried as the show started, because Joe was claiming to be Batman right out of the starting gate. Coming just a handful of weeks after he claimed to be King Diamond, I'd say I had a bit of room to be worried. And to top it off, Josh claimed to be "The Doctor". Josh is, of course, a huge fan of Doctor Who, so go figure...

Any worries were set aside pretty quickly, however, as Joe seemed to be merely joking around. Still, ya can't be too sure...

We dabbled in a bit of wine tasting that night, which proved to be interesting, especially in light of the fact that Josh doesn't drink, AT ALL, and Rick quit drinking a little over a year ago. This left Joe and I to sample the multitude of varieties that were at our disposal.

It didn't help, as the night went on, that I had offered to drink Rick's share for him. As a matter of fact, in retrospect, that was a very, very bad idea. What also didn't help was Josh contributing to the problem by handing me full bottles of wine instead of a small sampling from each bottle.

Truth of the matter is, I'm really not a drinker. Hell, even in my younger "wild" days I was never a huge drinker. Don't get me wrong, I could tie one on with the best of them if the mood struck me, but it was never honestly that big of a deal. With that being said, I really do love a nice glass of wine on occasion, with a particular fondness for Red Cat. And, thanks to Josh, I started pounding the Red Cat down bottle by bottle as the night went on.The repercussions were...unpleasant...and I should take a moment to apologize to Azkath for puking on the floor...

Speaking of Azkath, he seems unusually interested in my job. I mean, it is what it is, I've been stuck in retail Hell for quite some time. But, even with all the weird changes, Ames is still a pretty decent place to work. Still, I can't seem to shake the feeling that Ames is no longer around...but that can't be true, 'cuz I've been steadily working there for...well...hmmmmm...

Hurts the ol' brain, just thinking about it. Screw this...

Playlist

Order Of The Dead - Crimson Tide
Gutted Alive - Cadaver Haver
Ire Clad - Sinnerstone

Blue Snaggletooth - Gawkers
Carcass - A Wraith In The Apparatus
The Skull - Send Judas Down
Lord Dying - A Wound Outside Of Time
Canedy - Cult Of The Poisoned Mind

November 28, 2014 - Reverend Horace

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Recap by The Metal Wulf aka Randy...

This was one of those nights where I just flat-out had no idea what was going on.

For one thing, I was bleeding like a stuck pig from a big gash directly in the middle of my forehead. Don't ask me WHY I was bleeding, because I have no earthly idea.

I know one thing, though, I can't say I was overly thrilled when Jeffie decided to play a game of "My Crotch, Your Gash"...

And the guys may as well have been talking in a foreign language for all the sense they were making. I just don't get it, I honestly think some of them are losing their minds, especially Azkath.

I mean, first of all, he seemed to think that I had worked Black Friday at Ames, but that store has been closed for going on twenty years! And, honestly, I didn't work Black Friday at all. It was actually quite relaxing this year, as my brother and I didn't do our traditional trip to the mall of our choice to observe the insanity.

On top of that, Jeffie was using a taser on me...yeah, you read that right, a FREAKIN' TASER!!!! Apparently he was trying to shock me back to reality, because I had supposedly been claiming to be an evangelical minister by the name of Reverend Horace.

Reverend HORACE? They've gotta be busting my balls, right?

C'mon, I don't buy into that Hellfire and Brimstone b.s., never have! I mean, to each their own, but I've been pretty comfortable in my existence as a pagan-leaning agnostic over the past several years.

And on top of all of that, they even said I'd referred to Gary (our resident stuffy) as a demon from Hell! C'mon, Gary may be cute as hell, but FROM Hell? I think not...

I don't know, it's starting to look like I may be the only sane person left on the show, as scary as that may sound to some!

But, hey, at least Joe has gone two weeks without thinking he's King Diamond!

Playlist

Megadeth - Good Mourning/Black Friday
Order Of The Dead - Sucking The Marrow
Ire Clad - Death In Disguise

Gutted Alive - Endless Amounts Of Corpses
Downfall Of Gaia - Whispers Of Aeon
Skalmold - Med jotnum
The Skull - Till The Sun Turns Black
Riot - Bring The Hammer Down

Blue Snaggletooth - Nameless Cults
Combat - Devastation
Evil Spirit - Let The Dragon Be My Guide
Rise Of The Northstar - Dressed All In Black
Canedy - Ride Free Or Die

November 21, 2014 - The Return of Ames

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Recap by The Metal Wulf aka Randy...
I don't know about Rick, Josh, and Azkath, but my main concern on this night was Joe's mental state. And to be honest, the guys seemed to think that maybe we shouldn't really dwell on it too much. And maybe they're right.

When it's all said and done, he didn't seem to think he was King Diamond anymore, so I'm guessing that's a good thing!

To be honest, Azkath seemed more concerned about how things were going with me and my day job. It's weird, actually...I mean, Ames sure has changed. For some reason I'm now stuck in the produce department, and I don't even remember them putting in a produce department! Or even carrying actual groceries, for that matter!

Azkath seems to think that Ames closed long ago, though, and for some reason that's got me questioning my reality. In fact, I think I may be starting to suffer a bit of a breakdown...things really do seem a bit funny, and I can't quite put my finger on why...and I can't quite shake the feeling that maybe he's onto something.

Hmmmmmmm...

Kinda vague on some of the other occurrences of the evening, although there WAS a bit of a disturbing discussion that had to do with my hairy loofah...and it's probably for the best that I don't remember that full discussion...we'll just leave it at that!

Playlist

Broughton's Rules "Gothic"
Krokodil "Dead Man's Path"
Hanzel Und Gretyl "Burning Wheels of Satan"

Hellcannon "Wasteland Remains"
Ire Clad "Prey for Thee, God of War"
Mia Klose "Living for Love"
These are They "Steeple of Blood"
Manilla Road "Black Cauldron"

Primordial "The Seed of Tyrants"
SSS "Crushed by Drudgery"
Carcass "Intensive Battery Brooding"
Blue Snaggletooth "Transmutation"
Downfall of Gaia "Darkness Inflames These Saphire Eyes"

November 14, 2014 - Randy Goes Through a Table

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Recap by The Metal Wulf

Strange things were happening on this night, and for once I wasn't responsible for the majority of it.

Truth of the matter is, I'm not even sure if I should mention some of this in the recap, not knowing how much damage it could do to our long-suffering host.

Awwww, screw it...

Fact is, Joe thought he was King Diamond for most of the night. It all started when we played a track from the new 2-disc "best of" collection. It was really puzzling, because we honestly thought Joe was horsing around at first, but it soon became apparent that the guy wasn't fuckin' around.

He REALLY thought he was King Diamond...and even went so far as to mention a time when he was supposed to have been interviewed by Joe many years ago, but backed out on him!

How can I best put this into perspective?

Let's put it this way, even Azkath was completely perplexed, and you know it's gotta be pretty serious when he's scratching his head over something.

He was so frustrated by the whole thing that he actually had to step out for a bit!

The fact that Josh thought it was real didn't help matters at all. He honestly believed that Joe was King Diamond!

As a matter of fact, Joe kept referring to Josh as one of his "Black Horsemen". Even an intervention from Jeffie didn't make a difference! Any attempts that Jeffie made at knocking some sense into Joe failed, as Josh seemed to be absorbing all of the damage dealt to Joe.

Even from the other side of the room!

EVEN AFTER JEFFIE DUCT-TAPED JOSH TO A CHAIR!!!!!

Madness, I tell you! Pure madness!

There was ONE talk break where Joe briefly came back to us, and that was when Azkath said it was time to put me through the table.

Yeah, that was real by the way, I promise that wasn't just some clever editing work using some cool, crunching sound effects. The video is very much available for your visual consumption, and has even been shared on Facebook on more than a couple of pages. Pretty easy to find, if you'd like to see it!

Yep, I begged, I pleaded, I tried to convince them that it was totally unneccessary to "reward" me in that manner for quitting smoking.(Fact: It was my punishment for picking up the habit again in the first place! I think the "reward" was not using fire, thumbtacks, flourescent light tubes, or barbed wire in conjunction with the table...)

But, I took the damage, and also got a bit of a bonus beatdown as I lay amongst the ruined table.

The important part is, I'm fine now and looking forward to NOT EVER having to do that again!

Playlist

Kiss "I Stole Your Love"
Riot "Thundersteel (live)"
King Diamond "Black Horseman"

Ire Clad "Feeds on Them"
The Skull "Sends Judas Down"
Blue Snaggletooth "Nameless Cults"
Arcane "Enshrouded Crypt"
Downfall of Gaia "Of Stillness and Solitude"

November 7, 2014 - Randy and Ames

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On this night, we capitalized on Randy's obsession with Ames, the department store he worked at in the 90's. Azkath eventually hypnotized him to think he was STILL working at Ames. I'm sure that won't cause problems in the future.

From Randy. "There's also been a bit of fascination with my time working at Ames. Josh is so obsessed with it that he was actually looking up old training videos on YouTube to help me relive some of my glory days. Okay, admittedly, working in the Ames electronics department is the best job I've ever had! Nothing beats New Release Day, I'm tellin' you! That sense of satisfaction when you open the box of new release music and movies, pretty much having first dibs on all of it....aaaaah...it's a GREAT feeling!"