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June 17, 2016 - A New Form of Pinball

The Moon...Recap by Randy MetalWulf: And the denial continues!
Yep, nobody believes the issues with my knee are real, nobody believes I’m having surgery (less than a day away as of this writing), and everybody believes that I’m afraid to face Jeffie in that stupid death match! Oh, and apparently I’m officially the “Eeyore” of the Metallic Onslaught...
Look, the match is gonna happen! Just not now! If all goes well, we can do this long before summer is over! Joe even insisted that I was having crying jags when he came to train me, insisted that all I did was whine about being afraid of Jeffie, blah, blah, blah...hell, he even claimed to have a jar of my tears! LIES!!! ALL LIES!!!
And then Azkath comes along and says that he may not be able to clone me in between matches (this is best of three deaths, after all), although he has a huge storage facility with tons of back-up Jeffies. But, apparently it’s more difficult to clone me, and there may be difficulties doing so this time. So, I guess they’re going to have to go with necromancy to raise me from the dead, assuming Jeffie succeeds in killing me even once...
Speaking of Jeffie, he showed up to rub his supposed training regimen in my face, part of which has been lifting a towel with his...you know. Yeah, apparently he dangles weights from the towel. What he plans on doing with that thing when we have the actual match is anyone’s guess. I cringe just thinking about it...which made it worse when he confiscated my phone and took pics of the results.
Imagine a wart on a fettuccine noodle...
He also took the time to tell us about this new game he invented...pee pinball. Literally, you control the flippers with your urinary control. I’ll just leave that thought there for your brain to process, and perhaps you’ll understand why Jeffies have been routinely killed off over the years.
Joe felt the need to really get under my nerves with some stupid business regarding my thoughts on Richie Sambora not touring with Bon Jovi. I made it quite clear that I don’t give a rat’s ass about anything to do with that band, or it’s members, or the majority of their fan base, as far as that goes. As a matter of fact, I’ve gone above and beyond the call of duty to make it abundantly clear that I hate Bon Jovi almost more than any other 80’s artist. (Of them all...I hate only Britny Fox and Winger more...).
And yes, fine, it hasn’t always been that way. There was a time when I actually liked to listen to a bit of Bon Jovi. I was never a huge fan, but there was some decent music on the first two albums. It wasn’t until Slippery When Wet came out and got smeared all over the airwaves and MTV that I really began to despise them.
But, Joe insisted on getting my opinion, and I gave it...and made it necessary for Azkath to edit some bad words from the broadcast, despite making a strong effort to not curse.
I think that Bon Jovi conversation was the straw that broke the camel’s back, so to speak. I got so fed up with Joe later in the evening that I made a confession. I mean, I’m all for having this death match after I’ve healed, but I admitted that I’m glad we won’t be able to do it for Joe’s birthday. After all, my victory was going to be a birthday gift for Joe, but if he’s going to be such a complete dick, I really don’t want to give him a birthday gift!
Yep, fuck that guy, I’m GLAD this has to wait!

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June 10, 2016 - Nathan Returns for More Sit Ups!

NathanRecap by Randy Metalwulf: We saw the return of Nathan this week, and I was pretty quick to remind him of something that happened when he last visited. As you’ll recall, Nathan concluded that show by performing sit-ups while straddling my head...
I made sure that he knew there’s some payback in the works for that, but first I’ve gotta make sure this knee has been properly tended to.
Speaking of the knee, the Denial Game continues, as these guys still think I’m attempting to ditch out on my death match with Jeffie. That is not the case at all, it’s going to happen. It just has to wait until a bit later down the line, hopefully before the summer is over.
Joe insists that I need to begin training immediately, even going so far as to suggest I lose about 240 pounds. Unfortunately, that would put me at approximately 90 pounds, a weight that even Nathan would be able to knock over just by breathing.
Then there was the suggestion that they just trim the excess off of me with a chainsaw, which is pretty obviously not an option. Also laughable was the idea that I should race Nathan, which would be ludicrous even if I didn’t have a bum knee.
Azkath was so insistent that I was okay that he decided to test my reflexes, proceeding to knock my good knee with a hammer, and then moving on to the bad knee. Pretty sure he did me no favors.
To top it all off, because Nathan is kinda like MacGyver in this respect, a lie detector test was constructed on the spot. Normally I’d say Nathan is fully capable of pulling off something like that. Seriously, this kid is an electronics whiz. But, in this instance, he was able to construct a completely malfunctional lie detector, because I got zapped every time I told the truth. Talk about your epic fails...
Speaking of fails, Joe related a story about how he’d been craving a banana split, and coming up short when his wife went to order one, only to learn that the shop was out of bananas. She was then asked if she still wanted the banana split, which was pretty pointless when it all boiled down.

Much to my chagrin, the evening once again ended with Nathan firmly planted on my head, with more sit-ups commencing from there.
He’ll get his...just give it time...

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June 3, 2016 - Randy Fakes a Knee Injury...

Azkath and JoeRecap by Randy Metalwulf: So, early on in the broadcast Joe pointed out that I was wearing some form of bio-mechanical device. As much as I’d like to say it was something cool like that, it was really just a knee brace. Yep, been having some complications in recent weeks, and things came to a head when I got out of bed one morning and couldn’t stand up straight. As a matter of fact, the pain was so intense that I’m sure the neighbors heard me when I screamed...
As of this writing, I can confirm that it is a badly torn meniscus in conjunction with some floating debris in the knee joint that is most likely pieces of cartilage. Surgery is pending, and doesn’t sound like it’s going to be overly extensive or invasive. Keepin’ my fingers crossed!
Of course, Joe seemed to think that all of this was a result of Azkath beating me for smoking at Metal Fest, but my knees weren’t subject to any of that.
Speaking of Azkath, he has his own theories as to what’s wrong with my knee...as in, nothing is wrong with my knee. Yep, he seems to think that I’m making this all up to avoid my Three Stages Of Hell Death Match with Jeffie, which was originally planned to coincide with Joe’s birthday. This isn’t even remotely true, of course, but I can’t seem to get that through his head. In fact, Jeffie is convinced that I’m chickening out, which is completely laughable. I’m not afraid of that goof at all! In fact, I’ve been concocting all kinds of fun things for him to endure when he has to become my man-servant for a month. All of that is just going to have to wait until I’ve healed, that’s all there is to it. That death match is a go...just at a later date.
We confirmed that Josh is still a fainting goat when it comes to getting tickled, although he seems to have become a bit more resilient over the past couple years. In fact, I’m pretty sure this time he was able to stay seated, where before he’d just stiffen up and topple to the ground.
Joe had asked what happened to Nathan, who we hadn’t seen since Metal Fest, where he was running the sound board for the show. He even suggested that we take a road trip to kidnap him, but Nathan lives in Moravia, which is a tiny bit of a stretch from where we record. It was, however, suggested that if Joe wanted to make the trip, I should ride along and record it for posterity. I honestly didn’t think it was too terrible an idea, I’m sure it would have been worth more than a few laughs. Part road-trip buddy-flick, part docu-comedy, part...oh, who the hell knows how it would pan out. Truth is, Joe didn’t like the idea at all, so it didn’t happen.
The evening began coming to a close as Azkath shared a recent Tab story. Basically, it was Memorial Day weekend, and he couldn’t find Tab anywhere, literally having to make a trip to Canandaigua to pick up the last few cases they had in stock.
I shouldn’t have to describe where the night went from there, but I will...
Joe mysteriously disappeared after discovering that Azkath had Tab on the premises. He wasn’t gone long, only about five minutes, but something was kinda fishy. Our suspicions were confirmed when Azkath stated that Joe’s truck was full of empty Tab cans. Now, you may ask yourself how much Tab can a person possibly drink in five minutes. In Joe’s case, the answer would be approximately four cases. And, if you think back to late last fall, you’ll remember that Joe got ridiculously ill from chugging just two 2-liter bottles of Tab, swearing that he only got sick because it was leftover from 1978 or so. I mean, Joe puked EVERYWHERE that night, it was nightmarish.
Now...imagine what it would have been like when Joe started projectile vomiting four cases of Tab. And then imagine being the only target who can’t move out of the way fast enough because his knee sucks...

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May 27, 2016 - Beating the Stupid Out of Randy

Randy in Barbed WireStarted the night on a sad note, as we kicked the show off with three Megadeth tracks in honor of the late Nick Menza. Nick suffered a heart attack in L.A. while performing with his current band, Ohm, effectively checking out while doing what he loved. Menza played drums on four Megadeth albums, starting with 1990’s Rust In Peace and continuing on through Countdown To Extinction, Youthanasia, and Cryptic Writings. The Mustaine / Ellefson / Menza / Friedman era is widely considered the best Megadeth lineup, not that the band has ever suffered from a lack of talent. Nick was incredibly talented, and will be sorely missed.

This week was the first where the weather was suitable for setting up and recording outside. Honestly, we’d gotten off easy this past winter, but spring seemed to be dragging it’s feet a bit. Now, I’m happy to say that spring has absolutely sprung, and right now it feels more like mid-July than late May. No complaints!

Should probably take a moment to mention The Grindmother. This album surprised the hell out of us not only because it’s grindcore being performed by a sixty-seven year old grandmother (yes, you read that correctly), but it’s also just that good of an album. Worth looking into!

We spent a good deal of time discussing Finger lakes Metal Fest 2016, which was a blast, as always! This show just gets bigger and bigger every year. In fact, the estimated head count for 2016 was between 650-800 people. Bear in mind that within the past four years, we would see perhaps half that. Word has definitely traveled, and it’s always good to see new faces coming out to enjoy the vibe! The real highlight of the weekend, of course, is the bands. Solid sets from each and every one of them. Gotta say, one moment that particularly stood out for me was the intensity of the mosh pit during Thirteen South. This was their final show, and I’d promised R.J. (their vocalist) that I would do something crazy for them. I mean, being a full moon and all, it only seemed natural that Wulfie should jump into the pit for a bit! MetalFest did have it’s repercussions, though. It’s not uncommon to feel like you’ve been hit by a truck after it’s all over. And, for me, it only got worse.

Yes, I’d been stupid. After five months without a cigarette, I bought a pack of smokes for Metal Fest weekend. And Azkath found out. And bad, bad things happened to me.
Like having styrofoam broken open over my head...with a barbed-wire baseball bat.
Like being thrown into a barbed-wire net.
Like having particle board unsuccessfully broken over my head. I mean, it broke a little...especially after Rick took a swing at my dome. Apparently my eyes rolled up into the back of my head after his shot. Rick knows no restraint...
Like having my “bells” rung. Meaning that Azkath held a ten-pound barbell weight to my crotch while hitting it with a hammer. I think everybody suffered from that, as the ringing pierced the ears rather painfully.
Smoking sucks...

- Randy MetalWulf

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May 20, 2016 - Fetishes...

Josh and RickRecap by Randy Metalwulf: We started things off by running down the details of Finger Lakes Metal fest 2016 one more time. As of this writing, the event has come and gone, but we’ll get to that at a later time, as I’m sure there will be plenty of discussion on the next show.
Jeffie read an article regarding something called Cowbell Hero, made by the creators of Guitar Hero for people who can’t seem to master the complex gameplay of the latter. We were all a bit suspicious of this as Jeffie started reading off the songs to be included on the game. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but Metallica’s “Master Of Puppets” did not have a single cowbell anywhere to be found. Same with any song by Slayer, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, or Led Zeppelin.
Okay, I stand corrected on Sabbath. “Megalomania” did feature cowbell...can’t say for sure regarding Zeppelin or AC/DC, my memory doesn’t quite serve me well enough. The point being, of course, that we were pretty sure this was a complete gag article, but Jeffie will pretty much believe anything he reads on the internet.
Jeffie keeps trying to pull off episodes of Racist Randy...
I’m a banana
Dammit...why does that keep happening?
Anyhow, I keep telling him that I’m not even remotely racist...
I’m a banana
FUCK!!!
Okay, this is weird. Anytime I even think the word racist...
I’m a banana
Can’t remember how we got on the subject, but Joe had mentioned that Jeffie had hurt his feelings. I decided to bust his balls a bit and told him to stop being so butthurt. Rick then called me out because I’d been offended the week before when he literally aimed his ass at my face before leaving, and farted in my direction. Now, contrary to what Rick suggested, I did not go home and eat Panda Paws ice cream while douching (basically his way of calling me a pussy...), but it did strike me as a bit rude. And, while my ass may occasionally be a sewage hole, as Jeffie has claimed, at no point have I ever intentionally aimed my ass at anybody on this show. Of course, it has also been said that it isn’t necessary for me to aim my ass in any direction.
Anyhow, the concept of my ass being a sewage hole brought up an entirely different discussion as Joe started making references to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This went and triggered a further discussion about a recent porn parody I’d seen called Ten-Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, much to the dismay of the other guys. Not that I went into graphic detail, mind you, but let’s face it, that flick probably ruined some childhoods...
Things got worse somehow when Jeffie asked me what other kind of porn I’m into, and to be honest, I don’t watch a great deal of it. Don’t have anything against it, mind you, just not the be-all end-all of my existence. I was honest about this. And I was also honest when Jeffie asked me what my fetishes were. Not like we’ve never discussed this on the show before, and I’ve really got nothing to hide. There is no shame in being a leg man. Some guys like boobs, I like legs and tush. And if those legs happen to be covered in nylon, be it in the form of pantyhose or stockings, so much the better. No shame, actually a pretty common thing, like it or not, so I’ve got nothing to apologize for.
Somehow things progressed to Jeffie asking what Josh’s fetishes were. Quite frankly, I’d be more worried about Josh, because it seem that he is really into tanks. And people say my fetish is weird. Jeffie even speculated as to whether or not Josh actually “went off” like a tank, and NOBODY wanted to think about that.
Joe’s fetish, it seems, is Jeffie death, which probably makes him some lower grade of necrophiliac, but who am I to judge?

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May 13, 2016 - Choo Choo Blocking Josh

Joe and Randy

Recap by Randy: Once again, Joe’s week was made because he got to kick the show off by playing his favorite Alice Cooper song! It was, after all, Friday the 13th! Can’t believe he keeps denying how much he hates the song, he’s really not fooling any of us.
We saw the return of Rick this week, as he’d missed out on No Pants Day by going to see Soulfly in Rochester that night. There were eleven bands on that bill, so I’m pretty sure he’d been camping out since at least Sunday night...possibly Saturday...
We had to take a moment to discuss a sad occurrence in our local music scene, as it had been announced that the Eagle Hotel in Lodi was closing it’s doors, possibly for good. Kristin Jennings had really set herself apart by hosting metal shows in that tiny little town, and we all appreciate the efforts made by her and her staff. Everybody who attended a show there were treated like family. The venue will be sorely missed, and we wish them all our very best.
Poor KnownAsJosh seemed to be completely at a loss, as I’d taken possession of the train whistle early in the evening, effectively “Choo-choo blocking” him. In fact, at one memorable moment of the show, he seemed to be reaching for the whistle, only to find Joe’s soda bottle. Hilariously, it looked like he was attempting to...well...”stroke” the bottle...
He finally decided he’d had enough and promptly retrieved the whistle from me, which seemed to be fine with everybody else, as I couldn’t seem to achieve the volume levels that he’s able to. I chalk it up to too many years of inhaling tobacco smoke...
Joe had mentioned reading about Tab being linked to some deaths, so it appears that he’s officially sworn off it. He did, however, suggest that Jeffie should start drinking it by the vat.
Speaking of Jeffie, it appears that whoever loses our Three Stages Of Hell Death Match will have to be the man-servant for the winner, for a period of one month. So, now I not only get to look forward to killing him twice, I also get to plot all the fun things I’m gonna do to humiliate him for an entire month!
Hell yeah, life is GOOD!

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May 6, 2016 - No Pants Day!

Dave and RandyJoe was actually impressed with the fact that I’d started the show fully clothed, considering this was our No Pants Day broadcast. It really didn’t take me long to remedy that, and before long I was in a t-shirt and my boxers.

Jeffie showed up not too much later, but refused to take part. It seems that I’ve completely ruined No Pants Day for him with some of my previous antics. In my defense, I should mention that I really don’t remember how most of that prior behavior came to pass. It’s not like I actually planned on becoming “Mandy”! But, yeah, Jeffie was taking a strong stance of protest this year.
That was okay, though, because we had a special guest drop by. David Gee is one of Azkath’s co-hosts on The Last Exit For The Lost, and hadn’t visited the Metallic Onslaught in quite some time. As a matter of fact, this was his first visit to our new digs, and he was fully prepared to celebrate No Pants Day! In fact, he may have been a little too ready, as he seemed pretty eager to try to duplicate what Nathan had pulled off a few months back. Dave’s attempt at combining My Crotch, Your Face with sit ups was pretty much an epic fail. Can’t say I’m disappointed...can’t really say I’m pleased either...it really just sucks to be subjected to that whole thing...
Keeping to true No Pants Day tradition, I was actually wearing layers of underwear, so as the evening wore on the boxers came off, leaving me in my nice, comfy Batman boxer briefs. These were last seen back around Christmas when Nathan received his Pantsless Santa Dance.
I had to take a moment to be perfectly honest with the guys. Truth is, despite my earlier proclamation stating that I would be getting naked this year, I admitted that I never really planned on going through with it. You can only imagine my shock, then, when we came back for a talk break and found myself to be wearing only socks. Yep, somewhere during that prior music break I’d removed everything that mattered. It’s a good thing that my chair is nice and deep and cushiony, because otherwise that was probably the only thing that kept the rest of the guys from tearing their own eyes out in horror.
Jeffie must have seen more than the rest, though, because he felt that I desperately needed a trim. In fact, he was so firm in this belief that he decided to find a lawn care tool to take care of the problem. And this thing was no weed whacker, we’re talking heavy duty brush-trimming. I was quite frankly terrified when he fired that thing up, but was actually very impressed with the final results. Honestly, I hadn’t been that smooth since I was a grade schooler, and it still hasn’t started growing back! Of course, I took offense when Jeffie told me I owed him $50 for the trimming, considering everything that could have potentially gone very, VERY wrong.
I think the whole getting naked thing was a bit much for Dave. Well, it was a bit much for everybody, but Dave seemed to really take it personally, to the point where he actually walked out on us. Now, it could have been the nakedness, or it could have been the fact that I get a laugh out of telling Dave that I’m not really a wolf. Never fails to get a reaction. It’s not really that I enjoy seeing Dave cry...no, wait, some sick part of me really does, can’t help it. That’s mean. Dave is actually pretty awesome...but, damn, it’s so hilarious watching him break down when I tell him I’m not really a wolf!
But, yeah, Dave left, and wouldn’t come back until I got dressed again, so the clothes went back on. Honestly, it had been getting chilly, anyway, so I really didn’t have an issue with that. I did, however, have a really big issue with Jeffie super-gluing my clothes to me, just to make sure they’d stay on...
As the evening was coming to a close, Jeffie ended up offering Dave a Peegasm Pill. At first I was a little hesitant about letting Dave take one, because with Jeffie there’s never really a guarantee that you’re getting what he’s offering, and I really didn’t want to see Dave go through the aftermath of a Pee-like-razors Pill. Luckily for Dave, Jeffie delivered. Judging from the sounds coming from the back lawn, Dave was enjoying himself immensely. In fact, he seemed to be a bit dehydrated after the fact. I’d mentioned to Jeffie that perhaps Dave would enjoy a nice, fresh Fapuccino. I believe Jeffie had mentioned that it may take him awhile to prepare it, so I took it upon myself to provide Dave with my own personal brew. Bottoms up, buddy!

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April 29, 2016 - The Cursed Pig Head

Pig HeadSo, we kicked the show off by announcing that KnownAsJosh is officially engaged to his little lady, Stephanie. We’re actually very happy for them, and wish them the best. It also means that we may have to have a bachelor party broadcast sometime down the road here. Or not...fun idea, though!
We also announced that we will have new t-shirts available for sale at Finger Lakes Metal Fest. Been about three years since we had a new shirt design, and we’d like to thank Nikki Reese for her artwork contribution, ‘cuz it’s pretty bad-ass!
Let’s see, what else...
This week’s Racist Randy was slightly less of a waste of airtime than previous weeks, mainly because I got to spout off about how much I hate Jeffies. Yes, I actually admitted to being a Jeffie-ist, as did Joe and KnownAsJosh. This also led to a discussion involving our upcoming Three Stages Of Hell Death Match, where I’m going to destroy Jeffie twice, and hopefully talk Azkath into not making anymore. Joe mentioned that he’d like to see Leatherface get involved, but he was actually talking about a wrestler famous for his work in one of the Japanese promotions. Funny how things come back to wrestling on this show...kinda like Ames...
Jeffie had handed me a gift from Azkath, and I’ve gotta admit that I was really worried when he asked me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. Honestly, I had to confirm that he hadn’t been unzipping his pants when he made that request. You just never know with Jeffie...
But, as it turned out, this gift was a little ceramic pig, and there was a very strange story behind its’ origins. It seems that Azkath had burned a brush pile, and the next day the ceramic pig was sitting in the middle of the circle of ashes. It had NOT been there the prior day. Or so Jeffie says. I’m sure there’s a perfectly rational explanation. Jeffie doesn’t seem to believe so, though, even going so far as to suggest that it was actually a cursed object, gifted upon me by the Elder Things that reside in the back fields out behind Azkath’s place. Obviously I’m not buying any of this, and have actually taken the time to give the little fella a nice paint job.
Cursed object, what a crock...
We also mentioned that No Pants Day was only a week away. Rick actually expressed gratitude that he wouldn’t be in attendance for this, as he’ll be seeing Soulfly in Rochester that night.
For those unfamiliar with this tradition (which we totally stole, and improved upon!), the first Friday in May we celebrate this silly day. Pants are optional. Now, this doesn’t mean we have to run around in our underwear, but that is usually exactly what happens...that, or worse. I have actually, in recent years, been the guy who’s completely ruined No Pants Day for all involved. Don’t believe me? Go to our YouTube page and check out some of the fun. This will actually be the first celebration of No Pants Day in our new digs, as last year we took the festivities to The Last Exit For The Lost, much to the dismay of all in attendance that night.
Speaking of dismay, Jeffie had mentioned wanting to make sure he trimmed his pubes beforehand. Obviously this was a topic of discussion we didn’t care to pursue, especially when he took it a step further and suggested that maybe he’d plant his pubes to see if more Jeffies grew out of them. Yeah, how’s THAT for a visual...
In the long run, though, I had a far more disturbing visual for everybody, as I made the official announcement that, this year, on No Pants Day, I would be going Full Monty. Yep, you read that right, I am goin’ commando this year, because after everything I’ve done in previous years, there is no other way for me to possibly top myself. I apologize in advance, but this year, Wulfie’s gettin’ nekkid!
We ended the evening on a somewhat high note when Joe revealed that he’d paid a visit to Cyberdyne labs, where he was outfitted with a new metal arm and hand. The hand even shoots away from the arm, which he promptly demonstrated by zeroing in on Jeffie’s head...and my groin.
I’ve gotta get me one of those before the Death Match...

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October 30, 2015 - Halloween

Jeffie and RandyThis particular week wasn’t just special due to the fact that it was our Halloween show, but we also featured an interview with Chastain vocalist, Leather Leone. Gotta say, the new Chastain album is pretty incredible! But, yes, this was our Halloween show, and Jeffie had completely ruined the holiday for me. Honestly, my favorite day of the year. The one holiday I truly embrace whole-heartedly. And that goofy son of a bitch totally fucked it up for me. In previous weeks, the plant growth that was slowly spreading over my body was staying pretty well hidden beneath my clothing, but not this week. My face and hands were partially covered in what looked like mulch, along with some leaves. And, to top it off, a big yellow flower was growing out of my forehead... And, to make matters worse, I’d addressed the issue of the “twig and berries” literally turning into...a twig and berries... And let’s not forget the indignity of lactating maple syrup! Oh, yeah, that’s loads of fun! I may as well cover my nipples in velcro, the effect is pretty much the same! And based on Jeffie’s negative experiences when trying to eat pieces of me, I’m pretty sure Randy-syrup is not likely to get marketed by Aunt Jemima any time soon... Jeffie took a moment during the Leather Leone interview to put on his Halloween costume, and you can imagine my dismay as he came out with his goofy dinosaur hat, which had been adorned with Spanky’s horn. And he was also wearing part of Spanky’s hide over his back. Aside from those things, that is ALL Jeffie was wearing... And, of course, he just had to take it all one step further by mocking me in Spanky’s voice, suggesting that it was my fault that Spanky was dead, which I obviously know is not true, but still, that was pretty fucked up! Have I mentioned that Jeffie’s got a LOT to answer for in the coming weeks? We finally got the full story of what happened to Joe that week he was missing, which you’ll remember was also the week that Jeffie returned and revealed that he had murdered Spanky. Anyhow, it seems that Jeffie and Joe went on a picnic. Now, I find it very hard to believe that Joe willingly took part in this venture. This is the guy who complained weekly about recording outdoors during the summer! Aside from the occasional softball game and perhaps mowing the lawn, Joe doesn’t do “outdoors”. But, Jeffie insists that they went into the woods, got lost, and had a picnic. He even went so far as to suggest that Joe was snuggling a raccoon, which I never would have believed, if not for the photos. Oh, yeah, Jeffie supplied photographic evidence of the “picnic”, and to say that the evidence provided was shocking would be an understatement. Let’s just say that Joe wasn’t precisely conscious for the festivities. It certainly appeared that Joe had been roofied...and that nuts and tossed salad were on the menu at this picnic! And I won’t even go into what that raccoon was doing...

All of this was pretty much the straw that broke the camel’s back as far as Joe was concerned. Earlier in the evening he had mentioned possibly splitting off with Josh in the interest of forming their own show. Jokingly we’d all referred to that particular union as “Joesh” forming what would become the “Joeshow”...or would that be “Joesh Show”....hmmmmm... Anyhoo, Joe and Josh made good on their threat, leaving the studio once things started getting really out of hand, and the truth about his absence had been revealed. Oddly enough, Josh returned shortly thereafter, without Joe. And it wasn’t long after that someone burst into the building wearing a Richard Nixon mask, and proceeded to beat Jeffie to a pulp, concluding our Halloween festivities for another year.

- Randy Metal Wulf

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October 23, 2015 - Undead Messengers

MOWell, getting right down to business here, I should mention that Nathan returned to visit us on this evening, and he wasn’t the only company we had that night. Tim and Olivia from UnDead Messengers joined us as well, and this was their first time visiting The Metallic Onslaught. Not that they’re strangers by any stretch of the imagination. We’ve gotten to know them from seeing their band perform, as well as hanging with them on The Last Exit For The Lost periodically. Olivia actually proved to be very helpful to our resident stuffy, Gary, who still hasn’t quite gotten over the mistreatment at the hands of Eric Rodriguez last Christmas. Gary really did need a good supportive ear, poor guy... Nathan claimed to have dropped about five pounds from pooping, which likely makes him roughly 47 pounds with clothes on. Joe mentioned that he could possibly weigh Nathan with a set of postal scales at this juncture... Gotta say, poor Nathan put up with an abundance of abuse on this evening, mainly because he’s just that easy to pick on. And I thought I made a good target! Anyhoo, pretty early on he ran out of the recording area, as Jeffie had put on another “Retard-O-Tron” collection for our...ummmmm...entertainment... I guess Nathan has a low tolerance for girls doing Donald Duck impersonations. Things got a little weird when Jeffie broke out the gargantuan rubber band that he’d wrapped around my head earlier in the year. He got it around Nathan’s head easily enough, but Nathan went one better by pulling the rubber down all the way down his bony frame, essentially passing his entire body through it. And to think I used to think it was impressive to see Dano Voodie pass himself through a coat hanger back when he was in Stool! Jeffie took a moment to put that damned rubber band on my head again, pretty much causing Nathan to go fetal in disgust. It IS pretty grotesque what that thing does to my dome. To make matters worse, Jeffie got it in his head that he may be able to get MY body through the rubber band. He didn’t get past my neck, making breathing just a mite difficult...

Somewhere along the line Nathan felt that it would be a good idea for him to attempt lifting the anvil...which he did, much to our amazement. As a matter of fact, that little shit actually got it up to his shoulders! Almost as impressive was the fact that he continued to carry it throughout the building, pretty much crab-walking it from room to room. We’d been tormenting Nathan with various implements of destruction throughout the evening, but it really got disturbing when one particular piece of wrongness made an appearance. Once upon a time, on The Last Exit For The Lost (actually it orginated on The Metallic Onslaught one night, then went to LE), there was a little bathroom plug on a chain, and the chain was connected to a little plastic penis. Last Exit co-host, EVD, had taken this item and duct-taped it to a Whiffle Bat at one point, essentially creating what came to be known as the “D-Bat”...that’s “D” for “dick”, of course... Well, the “D” made an appearance that night, and Nathan was suffering a bit of abuse from it. I don’t think he got violated too horrifically with it, but it’s kinda hard to gauge that kind of trauma. I mean, it certainly wasn’t nearly as bad as Spanky puncturing his starfish over the summer! Speaking of Spanky... Jeffie had offered me some Gummi Bears during the course of the evening as a peace offering, and having s bit of a sweet tooth, I didn’t turn them down. Although, I did spit them out pretty quickly when he’d mentioned that they’d been made using Spanky by-products (gummi’s have gelatin...gelatin can come from horse remains...) Needless to say, that just adds to the level of payback that Jeffie will have to eventually endure. I mean, as if the Gummi Bears weren’t bad enough, he turned around and left some gifts around my apartment...one of them being Spanky’s horn, which he left sitting in my toilet bowl! Have I mentioned that Jeffie is a total fucking tool? I should also mention that his spore powder is continuing to make life very difficult for me. Bastard was even pulling flowers outta my ears throughout the evening! Anyhow, I can’t remember what we were discussing as the night came to a close, but I’d said a particularly naughty word, which forces Azkath to have to edit. He doesn’t really like having to bleep things out, and our videographer, Arydaea Insanity, took a moment to cut my tongue out as a lesson. That was pretty painful and gross, but on the plus side, I think this plant DNA from Jeffie’s spore powder is actually helping me to heal even faster!

-Randy Metal Wulf

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