July 17, 2015 - Randy Returns...

The show started with Joe, Rick, and Jeffie. Josh had gone to see Deep Purple, although Jeffie would have you think he was actually checking out The Eagles. Knowing Josh is a huge fan of Deep Purple, I'm willing to give him the benefit of the doubt in this case. Joe was actually lamenting the fact that I was among the missing, which prompted Jeffie to activate the tracking chip he'd put inside me. He had also texted the Bigfeets...presumably to make sure that I was still actually alive. As it turned out, the Bigfeets had let me go a day earlier because apparently the smell was bothering them... Anyhow, it didn't take long for Jeffie to find me wandering about, dazed and confused, as well as scared shitless. But, on the other hand, I was wearing a fresh pair of clothes, so I guess I should be thankful for THAT much, at least... I didn't remember much, just being horribly afraid and deeply disturbed. I had good reason, as it turned out, as the Bigfeets had been sending Jeffie photo udates of my progress following the...ummmm...birth... So, yeah...about that...

I've seen some moderately recent pics...it's...bizarre...to say the least...so ugly it's somewhat cute...imagine a centaur unicorn colt...with encephalitis. Honestly, that's the closest description I can come up with. Jeffie actually described it as half-pony, half-Randy and half-Nathan. It actually resembles me the most, but has Bobbett's nose. Honestly, I just try to not think of it... I wish I could say that those are the worst of the photos, but when Jeffie started showing us pics of what the Bigfeets were doing with me following the birth and the healing process, we were all pretty mortified. Seems they're not only technologically advanced enough to use cell phones, but they've got some pretty sophisticated video recording equipment...which they were using to make some really twisted porn, with me as the main subject..Truth is, the photos that Jeffie was showing us were so disturbing that Joe went ahead and deleted almost every pic on the phone, keeping one photo of my...ummm...offspring... It also seemed that the Bigfeets had equipped me with a tracking chip of their own, presumably in the interests of finding me at a later time to do further unspeakable things to me. It was firmly attached to my ear, but being the fast healer that I am, I told Jeffie to just go ahead and cut the whole ear off. Which he did, but then the idiot turned around and fed me the ear, meaning that the Bigfeets could still track me. I promptly remedied the situation by downing an enormous amount of Ex-Lax.

It didn't take long for Joe to lament the fact that he had actually missed me, and before you knew it he was ready to send me back to the Bigfeets. He did claim to miss Josh, and he even went so far as to say that he missed my brother, Bill, (or BILL!!!), who he'd hung out with the previous weekend when Judas Priestess came to Seneca Falls to perform at our annual Women's Right 2 Rock festival. Truth is, Joe and the crew don't get to see Bill very often, as he's working nights these days. Makes it difficult for him to come out and chill with us when we record the show. Don't write him off, completely, though, we may yet get a visit from him some fine evening! As for Judas Priestess, Joe insists that I wasn't there because I'd been abducted by Bigfeets, but he knows damned well I was able to make it out to Seneca Falls, because I'm the guy who was holding the camera while we interviewed them after their show! Don't believe me? Head on over to the Randy MetalWulf channel on YouTube and see for yourself (Or Just Scroll Down)! One more thing I should mention is that it seemed like Jeffie had been gaining a great deal of weight. In recent weeks he's broken at least two chairs, very likely three. Joe thinks this is pretty hilarious, to be honest, but I get a little worried about some of the ramifications. Guess we just have to wait and see...oh joy...