January 11, 2019 - The Good News about Bigfoot...

MO

Recap by Randy: So, this week saw some surprises...not all of them good.

    Serra, Keeper Of The Nipple Nuts, was back on hand, and assured us that Nipple Nuts are not just edible, but they also regenerate. I’m still trying not to think too hard on what exactly a fucking Nipple Nut is…

    Tim had returned, and had some dude named Josh with him. Funny, I almost think we had a Josh on the show once upon a time...pretty sure he wandered into the Dog Park, though.

    And, much to our disappointment, Jeffie had returned from his voyage to Washington. Now, bear in mind, he had initially been summoned to Washington, D.C. by President Trump, and had mistakenly ended up in Washington state...on the exact opposite side of the country.
    Apparently Trump had made a request of Jeffie, since he was in the area, to investigate Bigfoot sightings. And, according to Jeffie, it seems that Bigfoot does well and truly exist. I guess it’s no coincidence that most photographic evidence of Bigfoot is blurry...it is apparently his natural state. Like, his very molecular structure is such that you can’t view him clearly.

    Jeffie also assured us that Bigfoot is amazingly well equipped, in his own words referring to ‘foot’s genitalia as “quite a piece of machinery”. He also claims that it also drags on the ground, so there’s usually a third trail that most people don’t talk about after a sighting occurs.Quite frankly, these claims just gives rise to more questions that I really don’t feel the need to know the answer to. Like, knowing some things might just drive me into a state of Lovecraftian madness. I’d like to avoid that if at all possible!

    I guess food came in the form of nuts, berries, and ‘shrooms, which just provided even more horrific mental imagery. I must say, though, we were somewhat interested to discover that Bigfoot isn’t really as out of touch with society as we may have guessed. According to Jeffie, Bigfoot is an internet user, and even speculated that the aforementioned genitalia may also work as a WiFi hot spot.
    Impressive piece of machinery, indeed!

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January 4, 2019 - First Show of the Year...

MO

The first show of 2019... A Little Bit Of Background…

Recap by Randy: Wow, been awhile, hasn’t it?
    So, in the interest of bringing folks somewhat up to speed, November of 2018 saw me get a hip replacement. This occurred following a slip on some ice when Jeffie sent me on a mission to find Joe, who he had fired the prior week. Seems Jeffie has some clout with our President, and had Trump’s blessing to fire anybody on the show. Something like that, anyway…

    Anyhow, sometime during my recovery, Joe returned, but referred to himself as Country Joe...no relation to “Country” Joe McDonald (or The Fish), for the record. Presumably Joe returned somewhat to normal in the consecutive weeks.

    We also somehow acquired a new co-host. Someone Azkath referred to as Sara…? Sarah? Serra? Oh, Hell, we’ll go with Serra until someone says otherwise…

    But, yeah, he's supposedly "The Keeper Of The Nipple Nuts", and now our new co-host. I must say, he fits right in with all the weirdness. So, moving right along…

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September 16, 2017 - Metallic Onslaught Retrospective

December 17, 2001

This show was hosted by Joe and Azkath, and they talked about the history of The Metallic Onslaught, when it started, with who, etc. They also played a LOT of early clips from the show, including the earliest recording of Jeffie, the first No Pants Day, and the first time Jeffie died. Also included below are some pictures from that time period, and if you want to watch some of the video, it can be found in the early Best of DVD's, available here

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July 1, 2016 - Weirdest Night Ever?

Randy and JeffieBefore I get down to the real business at hand, I’d like to mention that Joe is actually very pleased with the truck that Jeffie had given him the previous week as a birthday gift. Having ridden in it, I must say it is quite a ride! Yeah, I know, it’s amazing. Jeffie actually got something right. Just savor the moment and mark the calendar.
Anyway, on to the subject matter concerning one of the most bizarre evenings I’ve ever experienced on the Metallic Onslaught. Actually, scratch that. This was the weirdest night EVER...
We established early that something...or someone...seemed to be among the missing, although we couldn’t seem to put our finger on who this being was. Someone who referred to themselves as KnownAs...and from there we drew a blank. I mean, there seemed to be something in the back of our minds that suggested the sound of a train whistle...but nope...just could not grasp who...or what...it could be. Hell, we’d even guessed it must be Jeffie, but we really wouldn’t miss him if he were among the missing, so there was no way that it could have been him.
The black soul-sucking Void that Jeffie had created the week before was still occupying the space beyond the door that led to the back lawn. It was even more bizarre because I swore that I could hear the occasional chirping of birds from the Void, and even music. Joe and Rick insisted that they couldn’t hear anything, and that I needed to just forget about the Void, but something like that is really hard to put out of your mind.
Jeffie did eventually show up, and he could also hear the birds and the music, although he claimed that it really wasn’t music, and that we should just not aknowledge that anything was amiss. Once again...hard to do...
Jeffie actually attempted to pin the blame on me, as opposed to his dabbling with things that were outside the realm of his understanding. Yep, he said something about my gravity well being the cause of it, but we all know that his tampering with the laws of the universe are to blame. And, his solution to the problem seems to be moving the void to the other side of the universe...or moving us to the other side of the universe...one or the other...
Things started getting weirder when the Void started distorting sound in the studio. Jeffie decided he’d take one for the team, attempting to close the back door. Problem was, the door was nowhere to be seen, being concealed by the Void. As he approached the door, he said that something was moving around in the blackness...and then the idiot stepped out into the Void. It was kinda funny. We literally forgot who Jeffie was once he disappeared, but then he showed up again, much to our surprise. Something seemed very off about him, though. This Jeffie was nowhere near as animated, and spoke in a bleak, soulless monotone.
This Jeffie assured us that the Void was actually a park, and that I should come with him. He assured me that it was a nice park, with music, and that Josh (THAT’S who was missing!) was there, waiting for us. And he said that Jackyl would be performing...which, admittedly, did spark my interest. Hey, I kinda dig Jackyl, can’t help it. My mind changed quickly when he mentioned that Bon Jovi would be headlining. Honestly, Bon Jovi is one of those bands that I would chew my own leg off to escape...
He also mentioned that there was all the blood I could drink, which really didn’t do anything to motivate me. But then, he mentioned Jackyl again, and that Doro Pesch and Lita Ford were there...he really had me interested for a bit. So interested, in fact, that Joe found it necessary to tie me to my chair using bungee chord.
Joe wasn’t buying any of it, and soon demonstrated, in brutal fashion, that this Jeffie was actually a robot...or at the very least some kind of cybernetic being from beyond. Yep, Joe cut Jeffies’ hand off at the wrist, revealing circuits and wires. Pretty, hypnotically stimulating circuits and wires...
The final straw came when Jeffie offered to make me a throne of babies if I went to the park, which is probably one of the most disturbing things to be uttered in my time on this show. The idea was actually kind of maddening, I just could not wrap my mind around the idea of a throne composed entirely of babies...
Joe was so mortified at all of this that he actually physically dragged robot-cyborg Jeffie to the Void and threw him in. Joe also took a moment to shut the door that the real Jeffie had failed to close, finally shutting off access to that black, madness-inducing pit of nothingness. Granted, that pit was still there, but it was easier to ignore once the door was shut.
To our amazement, Jeffie returned again. This time he seemed like himself, but he was claiming to have been dreaming of the park, and he pretty much ended up repeating everything the robot had said. Joe was convinced that this was another robot, so he picked up a hammer and bashed the latest Jeffies’ head in. We thought Joe’s suspicions to be be confirmed when the hammer hit metal, putting a ringing in our ears, and a large hole in Jeffie’s head...a hole that revealed steel plating...
Yep, we were sure it was another robot, right up to the point where Jeffie’s “death music” started playing, which was the tell-tale sign that Joe had, indeed, killed a real Jeffie. And Azkath wasn’t too happy with it, as he’d come in to find Jeffie’s corpse lying on the floor. Apparently we’re only supposed to kill Jeffie’s outdoors. And, as it turns out, that metal plate was all part of Jeffie’s training regimen for our still-upcoming Death Match. Seems he’d been fortifying parts of his skeleton with steel.
In the end, I guess the evening wasn’t all bad. I mean, any night that ends with a genuine Jeffie death is a pretty good one!

- Recap by The Metal Wulf

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June 24, 2016 - Joe's Birthday

Joe gets a TruckSo, this episode was broadcast two days after I’d had my knee procedure done, which went pretty well, I’m happy to say. Definitely noticing a difference, and I’ll be returning to the ol’ day job pretty soon.
It was also the broadcast that fell around Joe’s birthday, meaning it was the evening that Jeffie and I were to have our Three Stages Of Hell Death Match. Obviously that didn’t happen, as the knee still needs a bit of time to heal.
Of course, the rest of the crew still were in denial about the whole knee thing. Joe had actually suggested that we could settle the Death Match with a round of Rock, Paper, Scissors. Leave it to Jeffie to completely misunderstand the meaning of that, as he immediately left to acquire a rock, some paper, and a pair of scissors to torment me with. In fact, I ended up getting a facial hair trimming for my trouble, as well as a rock to my...well, my rocks...
Jeffie was pretty damned insistent that I just let him win the match by default, which is absolutely not what I wanted at all. And Rick even offered to battle Jeffie in my place, but that wasn’t part of the plan, either. I’ll be darned if I’m going to just concede and let Jeffie have an empty victory. If he wants this, he’s gonna have to earn it. All in due time, when the knee is back up to snuff.

We’d been recording outside, but were forced back indoors thanks to some unforeseen circumstances. First of all, there’d been a loud bang from somewhere inside the usual digs. Now, you’d think an explosion from the inside would not have had us relocating into our normal recording area, but Jeffie insisted that we were actually safer there than where we’d previously been. In fact, he was pretty insistent about us not even looking outdoors. Of course, curiosity got the better of me, and what I saw was downright horrifying.
You see, Jeffie had been working on something he called a Paradox Machine, and his dabblings with the fabric of time/space forced a large void of nothingness to appear directly outside the back door of our studio. There was no way to tell how much of the back yard this void consumed, but luckily it only seemed to be hovering in that area. It was also emitting, as Jeffie put it, a very colorful smell.
So, yeah, I’d taken a moment to stare into that abyss...and it was staring back!

As we continued our attempts to ignore the void in the back yard, Jeffie decided it was time to give Joe his birthday present. Bear in mind that last year Jeffie thought a refrigerator was an awesome gift idea. Not to say we didn’t find it entertaining when Joe decided to use it to pummel the living hell out of Jeffie, but come on...a refrigerator?
Imagine our surprise when Jeffie had Joe peek out the front window, where we could see a brand new pickup truck parked in the driveway, followed by our utter astonishment as Jeffie handed Joe the keys to it.
There’s GOT to be a catch...there’s ALWAYS a catch...

- Recap by The Metal Wulf...

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April 29, 2016 - The Cursed Pig Head

Pig HeadSo, we kicked the show off by announcing that KnownAsJosh is officially engaged to his little lady, Stephanie. We’re actually very happy for them, and wish them the best. It also means that we may have to have a bachelor party broadcast sometime down the road here. Or not...fun idea, though!
We also announced that we will have new t-shirts available for sale at Finger Lakes Metal Fest. Been about three years since we had a new shirt design, and we’d like to thank Nikki Reese for her artwork contribution, ‘cuz it’s pretty bad-ass!
Let’s see, what else...
This week’s Racist Randy was slightly less of a waste of airtime than previous weeks, mainly because I got to spout off about how much I hate Jeffies. Yes, I actually admitted to being a Jeffie-ist, as did Joe and KnownAsJosh. This also led to a discussion involving our upcoming Three Stages Of Hell Death Match, where I’m going to destroy Jeffie twice, and hopefully talk Azkath into not making anymore. Joe mentioned that he’d like to see Leatherface get involved, but he was actually talking about a wrestler famous for his work in one of the Japanese promotions. Funny how things come back to wrestling on this show...kinda like Ames...
Jeffie had handed me a gift from Azkath, and I’ve gotta admit that I was really worried when he asked me to close my eyes and hold out my hand. Honestly, I had to confirm that he hadn’t been unzipping his pants when he made that request. You just never know with Jeffie...
But, as it turned out, this gift was a little ceramic pig, and there was a very strange story behind its’ origins. It seems that Azkath had burned a brush pile, and the next day the ceramic pig was sitting in the middle of the circle of ashes. It had NOT been there the prior day. Or so Jeffie says. I’m sure there’s a perfectly rational explanation. Jeffie doesn’t seem to believe so, though, even going so far as to suggest that it was actually a cursed object, gifted upon me by the Elder Things that reside in the back fields out behind Azkath’s place. Obviously I’m not buying any of this, and have actually taken the time to give the little fella a nice paint job.
Cursed object, what a crock...
We also mentioned that No Pants Day was only a week away. Rick actually expressed gratitude that he wouldn’t be in attendance for this, as he’ll be seeing Soulfly in Rochester that night.
For those unfamiliar with this tradition (which we totally stole, and improved upon!), the first Friday in May we celebrate this silly day. Pants are optional. Now, this doesn’t mean we have to run around in our underwear, but that is usually exactly what happens...that, or worse. I have actually, in recent years, been the guy who’s completely ruined No Pants Day for all involved. Don’t believe me? Go to our YouTube page and check out some of the fun. This will actually be the first celebration of No Pants Day in our new digs, as last year we took the festivities to The Last Exit For The Lost, much to the dismay of all in attendance that night.
Speaking of dismay, Jeffie had mentioned wanting to make sure he trimmed his pubes beforehand. Obviously this was a topic of discussion we didn’t care to pursue, especially when he took it a step further and suggested that maybe he’d plant his pubes to see if more Jeffies grew out of them. Yeah, how’s THAT for a visual...
In the long run, though, I had a far more disturbing visual for everybody, as I made the official announcement that, this year, on No Pants Day, I would be going Full Monty. Yep, you read that right, I am goin’ commando this year, because after everything I’ve done in previous years, there is no other way for me to possibly top myself. I apologize in advance, but this year, Wulfie’s gettin’ nekkid!
We ended the evening on a somewhat high note when Joe revealed that he’d paid a visit to Cyberdyne labs, where he was outfitted with a new metal arm and hand. The hand even shoots away from the arm, which he promptly demonstrated by zeroing in on Jeffie’s head...and my groin.
I’ve gotta get me one of those before the Death Match...

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May 6, 2016 - No Pants Day!

Dave and RandyJoe was actually impressed with the fact that I’d started the show fully clothed, considering this was our No Pants Day broadcast. It really didn’t take me long to remedy that, and before long I was in a t-shirt and my boxers.

Jeffie showed up not too much later, but refused to take part. It seems that I’ve completely ruined No Pants Day for him with some of my previous antics. In my defense, I should mention that I really don’t remember how most of that prior behavior came to pass. It’s not like I actually planned on becoming “Mandy”! But, yeah, Jeffie was taking a strong stance of protest this year.
That was okay, though, because we had a special guest drop by. David Gee is one of Azkath’s co-hosts on The Last Exit For The Lost, and hadn’t visited the Metallic Onslaught in quite some time. As a matter of fact, this was his first visit to our new digs, and he was fully prepared to celebrate No Pants Day! In fact, he may have been a little too ready, as he seemed pretty eager to try to duplicate what Nathan had pulled off a few months back. Dave’s attempt at combining My Crotch, Your Face with sit ups was pretty much an epic fail. Can’t say I’m disappointed...can’t really say I’m pleased either...it really just sucks to be subjected to that whole thing...
Keeping to true No Pants Day tradition, I was actually wearing layers of underwear, so as the evening wore on the boxers came off, leaving me in my nice, comfy Batman boxer briefs. These were last seen back around Christmas when Nathan received his Pantsless Santa Dance.
I had to take a moment to be perfectly honest with the guys. Truth is, despite my earlier proclamation stating that I would be getting naked this year, I admitted that I never really planned on going through with it. You can only imagine my shock, then, when we came back for a talk break and found myself to be wearing only socks. Yep, somewhere during that prior music break I’d removed everything that mattered. It’s a good thing that my chair is nice and deep and cushiony, because otherwise that was probably the only thing that kept the rest of the guys from tearing their own eyes out in horror.
Jeffie must have seen more than the rest, though, because he felt that I desperately needed a trim. In fact, he was so firm in this belief that he decided to find a lawn care tool to take care of the problem. And this thing was no weed whacker, we’re talking heavy duty brush-trimming. I was quite frankly terrified when he fired that thing up, but was actually very impressed with the final results. Honestly, I hadn’t been that smooth since I was a grade schooler, and it still hasn’t started growing back! Of course, I took offense when Jeffie told me I owed him $50 for the trimming, considering everything that could have potentially gone very, VERY wrong.
I think the whole getting naked thing was a bit much for Dave. Well, it was a bit much for everybody, but Dave seemed to really take it personally, to the point where he actually walked out on us. Now, it could have been the nakedness, or it could have been the fact that I get a laugh out of telling Dave that I’m not really a wolf. Never fails to get a reaction. It’s not really that I enjoy seeing Dave cry...no, wait, some sick part of me really does, can’t help it. That’s mean. Dave is actually pretty awesome...but, damn, it’s so hilarious watching him break down when I tell him I’m not really a wolf!
But, yeah, Dave left, and wouldn’t come back until I got dressed again, so the clothes went back on. Honestly, it had been getting chilly, anyway, so I really didn’t have an issue with that. I did, however, have a really big issue with Jeffie super-gluing my clothes to me, just to make sure they’d stay on...
As the evening was coming to a close, Jeffie ended up offering Dave a Peegasm Pill. At first I was a little hesitant about letting Dave take one, because with Jeffie there’s never really a guarantee that you’re getting what he’s offering, and I really didn’t want to see Dave go through the aftermath of a Pee-like-razors Pill. Luckily for Dave, Jeffie delivered. Judging from the sounds coming from the back lawn, Dave was enjoying himself immensely. In fact, he seemed to be a bit dehydrated after the fact. I’d mentioned to Jeffie that perhaps Dave would enjoy a nice, fresh Fapuccino. I believe Jeffie had mentioned that it may take him awhile to prepare it, so I took it upon myself to provide Dave with my own personal brew. Bottoms up, buddy!

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May 13, 2016 - Choo Choo Blocking Josh

Joe and Randy

Recap by Randy: Once again, Joe’s week was made because he got to kick the show off by playing his favorite Alice Cooper song! It was, after all, Friday the 13th! Can’t believe he keeps denying how much he hates the song, he’s really not fooling any of us.
We saw the return of Rick this week, as he’d missed out on No Pants Day by going to see Soulfly in Rochester that night. There were eleven bands on that bill, so I’m pretty sure he’d been camping out since at least Sunday night...possibly Saturday...
We had to take a moment to discuss a sad occurrence in our local music scene, as it had been announced that the Eagle Hotel in Lodi was closing it’s doors, possibly for good. Kristin Jennings had really set herself apart by hosting metal shows in that tiny little town, and we all appreciate the efforts made by her and her staff. Everybody who attended a show there were treated like family. The venue will be sorely missed, and we wish them all our very best.
Poor KnownAsJosh seemed to be completely at a loss, as I’d taken possession of the train whistle early in the evening, effectively “Choo-choo blocking” him. In fact, at one memorable moment of the show, he seemed to be reaching for the whistle, only to find Joe’s soda bottle. Hilariously, it looked like he was attempting to...well...”stroke” the bottle...
He finally decided he’d had enough and promptly retrieved the whistle from me, which seemed to be fine with everybody else, as I couldn’t seem to achieve the volume levels that he’s able to. I chalk it up to too many years of inhaling tobacco smoke...
Joe had mentioned reading about Tab being linked to some deaths, so it appears that he’s officially sworn off it. He did, however, suggest that Jeffie should start drinking it by the vat.
Speaking of Jeffie, it appears that whoever loses our Three Stages Of Hell Death Match will have to be the man-servant for the winner, for a period of one month. So, now I not only get to look forward to killing him twice, I also get to plot all the fun things I’m gonna do to humiliate him for an entire month!
Hell yeah, life is GOOD!

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May 20, 2016 - Fetishes...

Josh and RickRecap by Randy Metalwulf: We started things off by running down the details of Finger Lakes Metal fest 2016 one more time. As of this writing, the event has come and gone, but we’ll get to that at a later time, as I’m sure there will be plenty of discussion on the next show.
Jeffie read an article regarding something called Cowbell Hero, made by the creators of Guitar Hero for people who can’t seem to master the complex gameplay of the latter. We were all a bit suspicious of this as Jeffie started reading off the songs to be included on the game. I mean, correct me if I’m wrong, but Metallica’s “Master Of Puppets” did not have a single cowbell anywhere to be found. Same with any song by Slayer, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, or Led Zeppelin.
Okay, I stand corrected on Sabbath. “Megalomania” did feature cowbell...can’t say for sure regarding Zeppelin or AC/DC, my memory doesn’t quite serve me well enough. The point being, of course, that we were pretty sure this was a complete gag article, but Jeffie will pretty much believe anything he reads on the internet.
Jeffie keeps trying to pull off episodes of Racist Randy...
I’m a banana
Dammit...why does that keep happening?
Anyhow, I keep telling him that I’m not even remotely racist...
I’m a banana
FUCK!!!
Okay, this is weird. Anytime I even think the word racist...
I’m a banana
Can’t remember how we got on the subject, but Joe had mentioned that Jeffie had hurt his feelings. I decided to bust his balls a bit and told him to stop being so butthurt. Rick then called me out because I’d been offended the week before when he literally aimed his ass at my face before leaving, and farted in my direction. Now, contrary to what Rick suggested, I did not go home and eat Panda Paws ice cream while douching (basically his way of calling me a pussy...), but it did strike me as a bit rude. And, while my ass may occasionally be a sewage hole, as Jeffie has claimed, at no point have I ever intentionally aimed my ass at anybody on this show. Of course, it has also been said that it isn’t necessary for me to aim my ass in any direction.
Anyhow, the concept of my ass being a sewage hole brought up an entirely different discussion as Joe started making references to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. This went and triggered a further discussion about a recent porn parody I’d seen called Ten-Inch Mutant Ninja Turtles, much to the dismay of the other guys. Not that I went into graphic detail, mind you, but let’s face it, that flick probably ruined some childhoods...
Things got worse somehow when Jeffie asked me what other kind of porn I’m into, and to be honest, I don’t watch a great deal of it. Don’t have anything against it, mind you, just not the be-all end-all of my existence. I was honest about this. And I was also honest when Jeffie asked me what my fetishes were. Not like we’ve never discussed this on the show before, and I’ve really got nothing to hide. There is no shame in being a leg man. Some guys like boobs, I like legs and tush. And if those legs happen to be covered in nylon, be it in the form of pantyhose or stockings, so much the better. No shame, actually a pretty common thing, like it or not, so I’ve got nothing to apologize for.
Somehow things progressed to Jeffie asking what Josh’s fetishes were. Quite frankly, I’d be more worried about Josh, because it seem that he is really into tanks. And people say my fetish is weird. Jeffie even speculated as to whether or not Josh actually “went off” like a tank, and NOBODY wanted to think about that.
Joe’s fetish, it seems, is Jeffie death, which probably makes him some lower grade of necrophiliac, but who am I to judge?

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