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January 11, 2019 - The Good News about Bigfoot...

MO

Recap by Randy: So, this week saw some surprises...not all of them good.

    Serra, Keeper Of The Nipple Nuts, was back on hand, and assured us that Nipple Nuts are not just edible, but they also regenerate. I’m still trying not to think too hard on what exactly a fucking Nipple Nut is…

    Tim had returned, and had some dude named Josh with him. Funny, I almost think we had a Josh on the show once upon a time...pretty sure he wandered into the Dog Park, though.

    And, much to our disappointment, Jeffie had returned from his voyage to Washington. Now, bear in mind, he had initially been summoned to Washington, D.C. by President Trump, and had mistakenly ended up in Washington state...on the exact opposite side of the country.
    Apparently Trump had made a request of Jeffie, since he was in the area, to investigate Bigfoot sightings. And, according to Jeffie, it seems that Bigfoot does well and truly exist. I guess it’s no coincidence that most photographic evidence of Bigfoot is blurry...it is apparently his natural state. Like, his very molecular structure is such that you can’t view him clearly.

    Jeffie also assured us that Bigfoot is amazingly well equipped, in his own words referring to ‘foot’s genitalia as “quite a piece of machinery”. He also claims that it also drags on the ground, so there’s usually a third trail that most people don’t talk about after a sighting occurs.Quite frankly, these claims just gives rise to more questions that I really don’t feel the need to know the answer to. Like, knowing some things might just drive me into a state of Lovecraftian madness. I’d like to avoid that if at all possible!

    I guess food came in the form of nuts, berries, and ‘shrooms, which just provided even more horrific mental imagery. I must say, though, we were somewhat interested to discover that Bigfoot isn’t really as out of touch with society as we may have guessed. According to Jeffie, Bigfoot is an internet user, and even speculated that the aforementioned genitalia may also work as a WiFi hot spot.
    Impressive piece of machinery, indeed!

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January 4, 2019 - First Show of the Year...

MO

The first show of 2019... A Little Bit Of Background…

Recap by Randy: Wow, been awhile, hasn’t it?
    So, in the interest of bringing folks somewhat up to speed, November of 2018 saw me get a hip replacement. This occurred following a slip on some ice when Jeffie sent me on a mission to find Joe, who he had fired the prior week. Seems Jeffie has some clout with our President, and had Trump’s blessing to fire anybody on the show. Something like that, anyway…

    Anyhow, sometime during my recovery, Joe returned, but referred to himself as Country Joe...no relation to “Country” Joe McDonald (or The Fish), for the record. Presumably Joe returned somewhat to normal in the consecutive weeks.

    We also somehow acquired a new co-host. Someone Azkath referred to as Sara…? Sarah? Serra? Oh, Hell, we’ll go with Serra until someone says otherwise…

    But, yeah, he's supposedly "The Keeper Of The Nipple Nuts", and now our new co-host. I must say, he fits right in with all the weirdness. So, moving right along…

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January 25, 2019 - Jeffie and the Snowmen...

Thanks to my tendency to forget things, I didn’t arrive to the show prepared to take part in the proposed Randy Death Match. In turn, the room was overflowing with gratitude.

In the wake of a massive snowstorm that had recently passed through, Jeffie told us how he had attempted to make a snowman and bring it to life, ala Frosty. Not surprisingly, it didn’t work. He had even tried using a wide variety of hats, but to absolutely no avail. In frustration, he set the hats on fire, thereby melting the snowman.

The unfortunate side, more than anything, was that he’d done this on the front lawn of a school, and had stolen all the hats from school children. And then paused to wonder why the police and teachers got so angry...

Josh and Tim arrived, and Jeffie had suggested an activity that I can only think of as the Jumping Frenchmen Challenge. Apparently French lumberjacks are very ticklish, and if you startle them with a tickle, they’ll do whatever you tell them...? Don’t look at me, I’m just repeating the nonsense that Jeffie was spewing out.

In the “I Should Have Just Kept My Mouth Shut” department, I’d lamented that nobody had remembered my birthday the previous week. This resulted in a series of lap dances from Jeffie, Tim, and Eric, which further resulted in about a week’s worth of mental trauma.

Better to just age gracefully AND quietly...

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January 18, 2019 - Jeffie's Naked Adventures

0108192141a.jpgJeffie spent a pretty good chunk of time throughout the show running down some of the places he’d visited during his road trip. The running theme seemed to be the best and worst places to fun around naked.

Case in point, it seems he got kicked out of Carhenge for exactly those reasons. As it turns out, he didn’t get kicked out of Yellowstone Park, but did end up doing significant damage to his unmentionables when he tried to run through a geyser like it was a lawn sprinkler. I got the strong impression that The Rockies weren’t a good place to run around naked, and he firmly claimed that there is absolutely no good time at all for that kind of behavior in Death Valley. I guess it’s too hot during the day and too cold at night.

I can’t believe we actually offered this as a solution, but perhaps we just need to establish a nice commune for Jeffie...JUST for Jeffie...where he can run around naked to his heart’s content. A bit of climate control and a reasonably nice place to sleep, toss in a bit of food for him from time to time...he’d be fine.
In more unclothed news, it was established that at some point in the future we were going to have a Randy Death Match. Specifically meaning that I would strip down to my man-kini while Jeffie and Eric (keeper of the NippleNuts) attempted to push each other into me.
The loser being whoever I successfully latched onto...

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September 16, 2017 - Metallic Onslaught Retrospective

December 17, 2001

This show was hosted by Joe and Azkath, and they talked about the history of The Metallic Onslaught, when it started, with who, etc. They also played a LOT of early clips from the show, including the earliest recording of Jeffie, the first No Pants Day, and the first time Jeffie died. Also included below are some pictures from that time period, and if you want to watch some of the video, it can be found in the early Best of DVD's, available here

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July 1, 2016 - Weirdest Night Ever?

Randy and JeffieBefore I get down to the real business at hand, I’d like to mention that Joe is actually very pleased with the truck that Jeffie had given him the previous week as a birthday gift. Having ridden in it, I must say it is quite a ride! Yeah, I know, it’s amazing. Jeffie actually got something right. Just savor the moment and mark the calendar.
Anyway, on to the subject matter concerning one of the most bizarre evenings I’ve ever experienced on the Metallic Onslaught. Actually, scratch that. This was the weirdest night EVER...
We established early that something...or someone...seemed to be among the missing, although we couldn’t seem to put our finger on who this being was. Someone who referred to themselves as KnownAs...and from there we drew a blank. I mean, there seemed to be something in the back of our minds that suggested the sound of a train whistle...but nope...just could not grasp who...or what...it could be. Hell, we’d even guessed it must be Jeffie, but we really wouldn’t miss him if he were among the missing, so there was no way that it could have been him.
The black soul-sucking Void that Jeffie had created the week before was still occupying the space beyond the door that led to the back lawn. It was even more bizarre because I swore that I could hear the occasional chirping of birds from the Void, and even music. Joe and Rick insisted that they couldn’t hear anything, and that I needed to just forget about the Void, but something like that is really hard to put out of your mind.
Jeffie did eventually show up, and he could also hear the birds and the music, although he claimed that it really wasn’t music, and that we should just not aknowledge that anything was amiss. Once again...hard to do...
Jeffie actually attempted to pin the blame on me, as opposed to his dabbling with things that were outside the realm of his understanding. Yep, he said something about my gravity well being the cause of it, but we all know that his tampering with the laws of the universe are to blame. And, his solution to the problem seems to be moving the void to the other side of the universe...or moving us to the other side of the universe...one or the other...
Things started getting weirder when the Void started distorting sound in the studio. Jeffie decided he’d take one for the team, attempting to close the back door. Problem was, the door was nowhere to be seen, being concealed by the Void. As he approached the door, he said that something was moving around in the blackness...and then the idiot stepped out into the Void. It was kinda funny. We literally forgot who Jeffie was once he disappeared, but then he showed up again, much to our surprise. Something seemed very off about him, though. This Jeffie was nowhere near as animated, and spoke in a bleak, soulless monotone.
This Jeffie assured us that the Void was actually a park, and that I should come with him. He assured me that it was a nice park, with music, and that Josh (THAT’S who was missing!) was there, waiting for us. And he said that Jackyl would be performing...which, admittedly, did spark my interest. Hey, I kinda dig Jackyl, can’t help it. My mind changed quickly when he mentioned that Bon Jovi would be headlining. Honestly, Bon Jovi is one of those bands that I would chew my own leg off to escape...
He also mentioned that there was all the blood I could drink, which really didn’t do anything to motivate me. But then, he mentioned Jackyl again, and that Doro Pesch and Lita Ford were there...he really had me interested for a bit. So interested, in fact, that Joe found it necessary to tie me to my chair using bungee chord.
Joe wasn’t buying any of it, and soon demonstrated, in brutal fashion, that this Jeffie was actually a robot...or at the very least some kind of cybernetic being from beyond. Yep, Joe cut Jeffies’ hand off at the wrist, revealing circuits and wires. Pretty, hypnotically stimulating circuits and wires...
The final straw came when Jeffie offered to make me a throne of babies if I went to the park, which is probably one of the most disturbing things to be uttered in my time on this show. The idea was actually kind of maddening, I just could not wrap my mind around the idea of a throne composed entirely of babies...
Joe was so mortified at all of this that he actually physically dragged robot-cyborg Jeffie to the Void and threw him in. Joe also took a moment to shut the door that the real Jeffie had failed to close, finally shutting off access to that black, madness-inducing pit of nothingness. Granted, that pit was still there, but it was easier to ignore once the door was shut.
To our amazement, Jeffie returned again. This time he seemed like himself, but he was claiming to have been dreaming of the park, and he pretty much ended up repeating everything the robot had said. Joe was convinced that this was another robot, so he picked up a hammer and bashed the latest Jeffies’ head in. We thought Joe’s suspicions to be be confirmed when the hammer hit metal, putting a ringing in our ears, and a large hole in Jeffie’s head...a hole that revealed steel plating...
Yep, we were sure it was another robot, right up to the point where Jeffie’s “death music” started playing, which was the tell-tale sign that Joe had, indeed, killed a real Jeffie. And Azkath wasn’t too happy with it, as he’d come in to find Jeffie’s corpse lying on the floor. Apparently we’re only supposed to kill Jeffie’s outdoors. And, as it turns out, that metal plate was all part of Jeffie’s training regimen for our still-upcoming Death Match. Seems he’d been fortifying parts of his skeleton with steel.
In the end, I guess the evening wasn’t all bad. I mean, any night that ends with a genuine Jeffie death is a pretty good one!

- Recap by The Metal Wulf

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